


Who Wants To Live Forever...

by Beatlegirl1968



Series: Maylor - A Love Story [3]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 1980s Era Queen (Band), AIDS, Album: A Kind Of Magic (Queen), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Arguments, Cheating, Children of Characters, Coming Out, Depression, Drug Use, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Extramarital Affairs, F/M, Family, Family Secrets, Friendship/Love, Gay, Hidden Relationship, Hot Space Era, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Innuendo Era, Internalized Homophobia, Live Aid Era, Long-Term Relationship(s), Loyalty, M/M, Marriage, Maylor - Freeform, Partying, Period-Typical Homophobia, Physical Abuse, Press and Tabloids, Protectiveness, Rock and Roll, Romance, Same-Sex Marriage, Scandal, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Terminal Illnesses, The Miracle era, The Works era, Touring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:28:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 86,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26806618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beatlegirl1968/pseuds/Beatlegirl1968
Summary: If you have found this story and not read the first installment or the second, please do so.  The existing plot points, characters and establishment of their lives will matter.  We are entering a time in Queen's history that contains many triumphs but will soon lead to a road of tragedy and loss.  The band is at the top of their game as they begin recording their next album.  But the strain of 10 years together is starting to show.  Creative tension and the need to keep up with the pace of a rock & roll lifestyle will begin to create problems.  A new darkness is emerging in the world that will have an enormous impact on all their lives.  It will threaten everything that matters and cause each of them to react in ways they could never imagine.  Will the group survive all the turmoil?  Will Brian and Roger survive the stresses placed on their relationship?  And - what will be the final thing that makes Brian and Roger willing to reveal their most sacred secret to the world?  I hope you will join me for a dramatic journey through the 80's...one filled with love, laughter, tears, mistakes, forgiveness and remembering what matters most...friends will be friends...right til the end.
Relationships: Brian May/Roger Taylor
Series: Maylor - A Love Story [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1865680
Comments: 85
Kudos: 45





	1. Today The Headlines...Tomorrow Hard Times - Part 1

October 1989

London

Roger's POV

For the first time in a while I wished I had a cigarette. My hands went directly to fidget with the buttons on my jacket. I was nervous alright. More nervous than I had ever been in my entire life. Okay. I am frightened. Scared to death actually! But I am using it as my energy to get through this. I tried to avoid looking at anyone and just focused on what has to be done. My stomach in knots and my head swimming with everything that is going to come from this. Just fucking ignore it! Get on with it!

I swallowed down my anxiety and heard someone come in the room. It was the makeup crew. A young woman approached me carrying her makeup case. 

"Morning Mr. Taylor..." she remarked in a friendly voice as she set the case down on the counter and looked right at me. I glanced in the makeup mirror at Brian. Another woman was standing next to him. Greeting him as well. Both of these women were talking to us like it is any ordinary day. Well maybe it is for them. Not for us. Brian caught me looking at him and we shared a determined look. Seeing him helped. I looked up at the makeup tech.

"Good morning..." I said in an even voice and tried to give her my usual casual grin. 

"Let's see what shade I need for you today...your hair is pretty light..." she commented as she began rifling through the bottom of her case. I shifted in my chair and gripped the armrests. Trying to stay still for her despite feeling like I should maybe collapse or just make a run for it. But neither could happen. I steeled myself by clenching at the seat as she held up a wipe to clean my face. I let her run it over my skin and then she grabbed a small container of foundation as my cheeks and forehead dried. My face felt a little tight. Like my stomach right now. The girl placed a paper guard over my shirt and jacket collars and tucked it in.

"Alright then..." she remarked as she turned towards me with a sponge in one hand and her foundation in the other. "Chin up please..." she commanded. I lifted my chin up so she could lightly dot my face with the substance. She gently dabbed at me as she worked. Blending the liquid into my skin. She was soon finished and looked me over and then picked up a brush. She dunked it in a container of loose powder and ran it lightly over my face. The feeling of it almost tickled my nose. After completing the dusting she stood back and eyed me again. I tried to look calm and relaxed despite a volcano building inside my gut. She frowned a bit.

"You feel okay?" she asked me and I suddenly felt like she could see through my thinly veiled facade this morning. I found the best smile I could manage for her.

"I'm good..." I replied but felt like I might start sweating if she decides to ask me any more questions. She shrugged and then placed her brush on top of her case. 

"You're all set...have a good interview..." she said in a friendly tone. 

"Thanks..." I replied and watched her put away her things and then walk out of the room. I turned to see the other makeup girl had left as well. So I sat facing my husband and we both eyed each other nervously. I stood up from my chair and walked over to him as he took a quick drink from a cup of water. Crushing the paper cup in his fist as he finished it. I went to say something to him but the door to the room burst open and a young man leaned in halfway and looked at us.

"Makeup?" he questioned as he looked us over. He grinned. "Excellent!" he remarked as he saw we had been attended to. "Gentleman...you've got about 8 minutes and then I will come to collect you...alright?" he announced. We both nodded silently at him and he gave us a lazy smile. "Need anything while you wait?" I shook my head and so did Brian. The man's smile widened. "Okay...see you in 8..." he replied and disappeared as he closed the door.

I looked at Brian and we said nothing to each other. Just taking this moment for contemplation of what is to come. There is no point in talking about it. Our decision has been made and we are prepared for it. Our family is secure at home and waiting our return. The children know what is happening and our parents are prepared. We didn't have time to warn everyone we know but it cannot be helped. A car is waiting outside this studio to take us directly home once we are finished.

I leaned against the wall. Too fidgety to sit any longer and considered everything that has brought us to this moment. My eyes wandered over to Brian. He seemed to be deep in thought and I noticed one of his hands had gone up to rifle in his hair. I couldn't help but remember all the times over the years I had seen him do this. Moments of stress or him just getting lost in his own head. I pulled myself from the wall and walked over to him. I gently placed my hand over his and extracted it from his curls.

"You'll mess your hair up..." I remarked as he looked up at me in response to my intervention. He smiled a little as he realized what he had been doing. He huffed out a nervous laugh as he placed his hands in his lap.

"That is the least of my concerns right now..." he replied. I guess it is. I smiled at him.

"If it helps...I wish I had a cigarette right now..." I said to lighten the mood. Brian's face showed amusement as I re-fluffed his curls for him.

"I think we could both use a stiff drink actually..." he suggested. I laughed at his comment. It was 10 am in the morning. Not society's idea of cocktail hour.

"That's all we need is people thinking we have a drinking problem..." I told him and Brian chuckled.

"I think people judging us for drinking is the least of our problems.." he remarked back. "At least after this interview is over..." he added to emphasize the point. We both just smiled but were silent as the weight of our situation sunk in. We could try and laugh and make light of it, but our lives were getting ready to fundamentally change forever. I couldn't take the silence anymore as I watched Brian's face slowly register the fear I felt inside myself.

"I know you're scared..." I said and Brian's mouth quivered at hearing my words. His hands gripped onto the the armrests with tension. "I'm scared too..." I acknowledged. Brian simply nodded agreement to me and pursed his lips. 

There was a brief knock on the door and the show host, Melanie Evans, stepped inside and closed the door behind her. She leaned against the door with her hands behind her.

"Hi!" she told us both and then blew out a heavy sigh. "You're here so I guess you're going through with it!" she announced. She moved from the door and walked over to us and I accepted a hug from her. Brian stood up from his chair and joined in our hug. 

"We are going through with it...just as planned..." I responded. She held us both tightly and sighed again. We pulled away from the hug and she looked at us both with admiration in her eyes.

"You're braver than I ever could be...that's for certain..." she told us with a smile. "I mean...you're risking your career here today....and that's something I'm not sure I could ever..." she didn't finish her sentence. She suddenly looked pained a bit and shook her head. "Sorry.." she told us and seemed to be trying to contain some emotion. She brought her hand up to her mouth and was silent for a moment. Collecting herself and blinking several times. Seeing her get emotional made me a bit so myself. I clenched my fists to keep from letting it take me over.

"We know what's at stake..." Brian told her in a calm and confident tone. It was good to see he was being strong right now as Melanie faltered a bit and I wavered on the edge of some tears. Melanie sniffed her nose and reached for a tissue in her blazer pocket. She dabbed at her eyes and then her nose. 

"I just feel like you're handing me the biggest scoop of my career as a talk show host...as you are hanging yourselves in the process..." she confessed and wiped at her eyes with her hand.

"Hey..." I said to her and reached for her hand. "You are helping us out...we trust you to let us do things on our terms....our way...no one else on tv can do this for us...you're the one doing us a favor..." I assured her. She nodded as she got hold of herself and tucked her tissue back in her blazer. There was a knock on the door and the producer looked in.

"Melanie...it's time..." he told her quietly. She nodded to him and then returned to look at us again. 

"I'll see you out there in a few minutes..." she told us with a caring smile. I squeezed her hand before she let go and walked over to the mirror to check her makeup. She turned to wave to us as she stepped out with her producer. The door closed again and I faced Brian as we took each others hands and tried to give each other a reassuring look.

"We are doing this...right?" I asked him to be sure. He smiled at me.

"Yes...no turning back..." he replied. We knew the producer could knock at any moment. I leaned in for an earnest kiss. It strengthened my resolve when I felt connected to him. Sure enough there was a knock on the door and we parted as the door slowly opened.

"Gentleman...we're ready for you..." he announced. I quickly checked my appearance as Brian did the same and we stepped out to follow the producer down the hallway. A woman with a clipboard standing in the hallway winked at me as we went by. I wanted to laugh out loud as after today I could actually tell any of these people who flirted with me that I was happily taken. By the man walking right behind me. 

We reached the set and saw Melanie already seated in her chair as she did her show introduction into the nearby camera. An assistant walked up to me wearing a smile as she reached towards me.

"Do you mind?" she asked in a whisper and I realized she was removing the paper collar from my neck. She took care of Brian's as well. "There's water in your coffee cups..." she informed us as she guided us to the waiting area near the set. Melanie finished her introduction and they were doing a quick news break on the network. She stood up as we walked over to take a seat. The sound man came over and quickly got us microphoned as we got settled together on the sofa.

"You've got 30 seconds..." the producer announced as we both looked at Melanie and she let out a deep breath. Preparing herself for the camera to roll again. She crossed her legs and formed a warm smile as Brian and I placed our hands on the sofa cushion in between us and could feel the tips of our others fingers brush together. My heart rate went up as I realized this was it. The camera would go green and we would be at the point of no return. I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm. Melanie placed her notes in her lap as she looked at the main camera. A man holding up some cue cards was standing to the side of the camera. The light went green.

"Welcome back....today my guests for the entire segment are legends in the world of popular music..." Melanie announced in a clear confident voice. "Queen has been in the spotlight since their first top ten hit in 1974...with a long record of hit singles and albums and epic world tours, this group has secured its place in rock and roll history...and today I am thrilled to welcome to the program Mr. Roger Taylor, the drummer and Mr. Brian May, guitarist for Queen. Good morning!" 

"Good morning..." we both responded and tried to smile. Melanie remained relaxed which helped. "You're here to talk about your new single from the album, The Miracle....but we'd like to take some time and talk about the story of your group...and in particular some items of interest regarding the two of you..." she explained.

"That's right..." I agreed and glanced at the camera as I responded to her. Feeling the eyes of the entire country looking back at me. 

"Many people may not know but the two of you were actually in a group together before Queen..." Melanie began. We both nodded and smiled. 

"Yes..." Brian answered. "I had formed a musical partnership with a friend during my days at Imperial College...and we advertised for a drummer..." Brian explained. "I played guitar and my friend, Tim Staffell, was the bassist...and we needed a drummer to fill out our trio..." I smiled as I listened and tried to act like this trip down memory lane was just something to fill up her program time. I crossed my legs as I focused on Brian speaking. "So we placed an advert for a drummer and Roger here responded..." Brian finished and I knew he wanted me to take over.

"I did...." I chimed in wearing a smug grin. "I had an audition and of course I got the job!" I explained. Brian and Melanie both chuckled at my response. 

"So we were in a group for a few years called Smile..." Brian clarified. 

"And when did Queen come about?" she asked us next.

"Around 1970...." I answered. "Tim decided to do other things and we joined up with Freddie to start a new group...we found John Deacon, our bass player, in 1971 and then Queen was complete..." Melanie listed to me and glanced down at her notes. She began going over the history of our group and highlighted some of our greater hits and points of interest. We provided our input and memories of certain events. It flowed nicely and helped us relax. I knew we were heading into the portion of the interview where things would switch gears. As Melanie spoke I glanced over at her production team. She had not told them what would transpire today. Not wanting any problems with someone wanting to stop our announcement or worse, someone knowing in advance and leaking it to the press. They looked completely unaware.

"Many of our viewers might know your songs and seen you perform...and may have even read about you in the papers..." Melanie stated as she began to steer us towards our end goal. "Queen has had its share of stories in the tabloid press...some even appearing in more legitimate newspapers of late..."

"Yes....we've seen our fair share of scandal and speculation..." Brian replied and his expression showed the weariness of dealing with it all these years. 

"Of course...some of the stories were based in fact....it is true that you both have children with women you never married..." Melanie pointed out. We both nodded. 

"Yes..." I confirmed. 

"There has been an awful lot in the press though regarding your lifestyles over the years..." she stated. "Particularly in regards to your front man...Freddie Mercury..." she added. 

"There has been a lot written about Freddie..." Brian responded. "But I believe it is his right to respond to any of those articles..." Brian informed her. "It is his private life and he should respond as he sees fit..." Melanie nodded agreement.

"That sounds fair..." she replied. "So lets talk about your treatment in the media over the years..." Melanie was moving us towards what we wanted to really say today and my heart rate picked up again. Beginning to feel the enormity of what we are doing. I wanted to take Brian's hand but it wasn't the right moment. I scrunched my fingers up into a loose fist to keep myself focused and calm. 

"Alright..." I told her. She glanced at her notes and then back up at us both.

"When we did some checking it appears that News of The World has taken an interest in the two of you going back some years..." Melanie commented. I nodded to her.

"That's right..." I agreed. "There were several stories printed about us regarding our living arrangement and also some rather private things about our children and family..." I pointed out. "None of which was anyone's business as far as I'm concerned..." I stated firmly. 

"You understand that with celebrity...there comes a certain amount of attention from the media...people take an interest in your lives....fans are curious about who you are..."

"Yes...our fans do have an interest in us...but what bothers us most is when stories are written without our participation or consent and based on often incorrect information..." Brian told her. "And things are twisted to make a situation seem more sordid than is the case..." 

"It seems like that has really been the case in recent years....for Freddie as well as yourselves...so can we talk about some of the things that have been speculated on and where the truths ends and the lies begin?" Melanie requested. "Are you okay with talking more openly about your personal lives to finally put to rest some of these rumors?" 

"Yes...we are..." I said for both of us. Melanie smiled at us both and turned to the camera.

"We'll take a moment for a station break and be right back to answer these very questions..." 

To be continued......


	2. Hot Space..Let's Go - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - The next parts of the 1st chapter of this book will occur periodically throughout this story between other chapters. We are going back to see what happened between the end of My Bijou and the events in chapter 1 of this installment.

10th December 1981

Munich

Brian's POV

I had really hoped our time in the studio this go around would be better. I guess I was wrong. Well maybe I should clarify that it seemed to be going brilliantly for the others. Just not me. When we started this album I felt like we were on top of the world. We had completed a successful tour and had even gone to South America and broke attendance records. We then ventured to Venezuela and Mexico. Now we have released our Greatest Hits collection and it has enjoyed a seat at the top of the charts. It seemed like this year would end in a wonderful place for the band. But being back in the studio has shown that cracks were beginning to appear in our foundation. Maybe we have been at it for too long and need a significant break. A break sure helped Roger and I mend things between us. Time apart had put us in a much better place. 

Roger had finished his solo album, Fun In Space, and released it. He went on some promotional trips and I was completely supportive. Even when it didn't fare well in the charts. When he first played the album for me he had told me he really wished he could have dedicated it to me. I understood and appreciated him saying this. We certainly have a lot in our lives but we don't get everything we want. Still - him letting me finally hear his romantic song 'Future Management' was thrilling. I really loved the track 'Good Times Are Now.' But I was incredibly proud of all the material on the album. He had grown so much as a songwriter and musician. Even though it seemed he might have used up all of his available material with his solo effort, Roger was quite prolific these days. I used to be the one with my writing notebook always open. He is often found that way now. Eyeglasses on and a pen in his hand as he sat in bed or in his study and scribbled words and notes on the page.

When we arrived in Munich to get serious about our next record Roger had been full of ideas that seemed in sync with the music we were hearing on the radio. The new sounds were steeped in synthesizers and programmed beats. Every instrument now seemed to have a synthesized version available and we had computerized drums and bass now ensconced in the studio with us. Roger isn't always on board with the programmed drums but was trying to lend his talents on the synth to the others as they worked through their news material. My main issue was that we seemed to have moved away from guitar solos. I was playing lots of rhythm for backing tracks but the days of a standard solo for me in most every song had gone by the wayside. I felt a bit lost. That became apparent when we worked with David Bowie in Montreux. As we all tried to collaborate with him on a new song it became clear that it would be dominated by David and primarily Freddie. It had started out as a democratic venture. Sharing ideas and lines for lyrics. Shit - we each even had a go at singing part of the vocal with lines we had written. But in the end it was taken over by David and Freddie getting competitive and I just took a step back and watched from the sideline. Grateful I was allowed to play a bit of guitar. Grateful I wasn't as jealous of how well David and Roger seemed to get along as I might have been a while back.

My heavier sounding songs that I brought to the table didn't seem to fit into the mold that was forming with this record. Several of my offerings were vetoed by Freddie and Deacy. Even by Roger. I started to wonder if we were no longer a die hard rock and roll band. I tried to remind myself that this was just a new direction and our core foundation was steeped in our classic sound. Still - it is an adjustment for me. And I guess I don't always handle this amount of change well. Or maybe I'm struggling inside and it is getting harder to manage it. I don't know. All I know is that we all seem on edge with each other right now and trying to get things done in the studio has been trying at times. And then when things get too trying, we just all check out and disappear into the nightlife of Munich.

And that is where I found myself tonight. After an hour of arguing about how much guitar Deacy wanted on one of his tracks I grew tired of fighting about it. I had told him to play his own fucking guitar and walked out of the studio. It was a familiar path nowadays; walking out of the front door of the building and hailing a taxi. Knowing the right German words to get to my destination. To slump in the back seat as I rode to the Sugar Shack. I mindlessly paid for my ride and stumbled into the disco. Ready to forget my woes in a throng of hot sweaty bodies dancing the night away to a massively loud sound system as I found my favorite table and ordered the first of many drinks.

Roger's POV

"I think we're going to buy a house in L.A. ..." I told Crystal as we walked down the entrance stairs of Musicland studios together. "The accountants are on us again to buy some property to fend off some taxes..." I explained. "Besides...Brian really likes it there and we all enjoy the beach..." 

"Deacon is buying there too...isn't he? At least that's what Ratty told me..." Crystal asked. 

"Yeah...he mentioned looking there as well....of course Fred wants a flat in New York...he prefers it over L.A. ..." We both grinned at each other. Knowing exactly why Freddie prefers New York City over other spots in America. The club scene.

"Just make sure you've got a room for me..." Crystal said with a wink and we laughed as we headed down the stairs into the studio. It was quiet as we entered the breakroom. 

"About time you showed up!" I heard Freddie remark in an irked tone. He was walking in from the bathroom. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" I answered back with irritation. "I told you I had a phone meeting with my real estate agent and we brought the food you wanted..." I told him as I dropped the plastic bag of Indian food from his favorite takeaway in Munich. 

"It's not about that....it's about your husband..." Freddie responded. I immediately got worried that something happened to him but realized Freddie was annoyed, not scared. 

"What's wrong?" What happened?" I asked with growing concern. Freddie sighed as he picked up his packet of cigarettes and lit one. 

"He and Deacy argued...again...and Brian stormed out....again!" Freddie informed me as he crossed his arms and inhaled on his cigarette.

"What was it this time?" I asked as I began walking towards the control booth to talk to Deacy. 

"The usual..." Freddie responded. Shit! Crystal walked ahead of me and opened the control room door. I walked in to find Mack recording Deacy playing rhythm guitar in the recording booth. I stood at the back and waited for them to finish. Crystal and I shared a weary expression. For some reason Brian and Deacy just keep setting each other off in the studio. I wanted to hear what Deacy had to say about what happened this time before I went looking for Brian. I know where went if he left here angry. Sugar Shack. I had a feeling this was going to be a long night without much work getting done. Deacy finished a take and I went over as he and Mack spoke on the intercom. 

"Hey Deaks...I'm coming in..." I told him. I walked through the door and went up to him as he leaned against the wall and looked at me. His hair had grown since the beginning of the year and was proving quite curly at this length. 

"I didn't start it!" Deacy said to me; already on the defense. I didn't want to fight him. I just wanted to know what went on. 

"I'm not placing blame Deaks...I just need to know what happened before I go after him..." I explained. Deacy sighed and seemed relieved I wasn't going to berate him. 

"All I did was try to explain what I wanted to do on my track...for guitar..." Deacy began as he massaged the back of his neck with his hand. "I don't see my song having a guitar solo but Brian wouldn't accept my decision and wouldn't let it go...and things got heated..." he told me.

"Alright..." I responded and walked up and patted Deacy's arm. Feeling bad that things got so tense. "Go ahead and finish what you were doing...I'll head out to collect him and shore him up with a talk..." I advised him. Deacy nodded but looked glum as he pulled himself from the wall and went back to the stool to take a seat.

"I won't change my mind...so don't offer him something I'm not willing to give..." Deacy said firmly. This annoyed me a bit. He wanted to complain about Brian being stubborn but sometimes he was no better.

"You can't at least let him try and play you what idea he has and then decide?" I questioned and it came out sounding like pleading. Deacy glared at me and made a disgruntled sound. I shot him a look of annoyance and headed out of the room before I said something that started a whole new argument. I went straight through the door and saw Mack watching me as he took a drag from his cigarette. I noticed Paul Prenter was standing in the back of the room watching me as well. 

"You going to get him?" Paul asked as I reached the exit to the control room. 

"Of course..." I said back. He eyed me with a curious look on his face.

"Maybe you should just let him stew for once..." Paul suggested. "Every time he gets mad and leaves you run after him...like a mother hen..." Mack tapped his cigarette above his overfilled ashtray and listened to our conversation.. Some of the built up ash fell onto the mixing board. "Quit playing his game and make him come back to us when he decides he wants to calm down and cooperate..." Paul advised. "He's a grown man playing a childish game..." While I appreciated Paul's view on the matter I felt like he didn't know everything I know about my husband. 

"I know from the outside looking in it seems like he is just throwing some kind of tantrum and I am somehow pacifying him...but you don't everything about him..." I responded. I opened the door and walked out and heard Paul mutter something under his breath. 

'I know more about him than you think...' 

I ignored my urge to walk back and ask him what exactly he thinks he knows about Brian. I walked through the breakroom and saw Freddie and Crystal seated and serving themselves some Indian food from the cardboard containers.

"Need me to come along?" Crystal asked as I went by. 

"No...I've got it..." I assured him.

Brian's POV

"Thanks..." I told Rivka, the waitress, as she set down a fresh drink for me. I leaned over and set my empty glass on her tray and took the new one from the table. Smiling at her as I stirred the vodka tonic with the little plastic straw. "Danke.." I said to be more respectful. She leaned down and kissed my cheek.

"You are sad but sweet..." she told me in English in a thick accent. She walked off with her tray as I leaned back in my chair and worked on whatever drink number this was. I watched her head back towards the bar but she stopped at the deejay's booth and said something to him. I sipped my drink and felt myself falling back into that blurred state I have come to know during my visits to this place. I tapped my foot to the song playing on the sound system and knew it was one Roger really liked. As soon as I thought about Roger I did feel sad. I knew it was a matter of time before he showed up to drag me back to the studio. To give me some pep talk about being a team player and just letting go of everything that was bothering me. But that seemed to be much easier for him than me. I hated that he had to chase after me when I lost my temper. I felt like a petulant child and wondered if I should swallow my pride and just go back. It seemed like the mature thing to do. I emptied my drink in my mouth and fumbled for my coat laying over the chair next to mine. I pulled it on as Rivka walked by.

"Are you done Brian?" she asked me. I nodded as I fished out my wallet and dropped enough money for my tab and a generous tip on the table. 

"Good night..." I told her and she smiled at me as I turned to head for the exit. The air outside had got much colder since I arrived and there was a chilled wind that hit me in the face and instantly sobered me a little. The bouncer got me a taxi and I slid in to return to the Arabella. To Musicland. I just stared blankly out the taxi window on the short ride back and then paid the driver and went inside. I was walking towards the basement entrance when I felt a little queasy. The alcohol making me a bit ill. I wondered if I should just go to the toilets and turned to head for the men's room in the lobby. I was walking that way when I saw Paul Prenter coming out of the gift shop in the hotel. He was carrying a fresh packet of cigarettes and some throat lozenges.

"Brian!" Paul saw me and waved as he approached. His expression became worried as he came up to my side. "You look pale....are you okay?" he asked me with concern. 

"I just feel a bit queasy..." I told him. He took my arm and began guiding me towards the lift.

"Come up to my room to lay down for a bit..." he told me. I forgot that Freddie had rented out the entire top floor of the hotel for himself and his entourage. That of course meant Paul was ensconced in a room up there as well. Even though Paul worked for Queen as a group it seemed more and more he was Freddie's right hand man. Phoebe may see to his clothes and meals and personal effects but Paul was his calendar and coordinator. We got on the lift and Paul kept his arm around me. Being attentive and offering a sympathetic smile. "A wee too much of the drink tonight?" he asked me and laughed lightly. I nodded to him and then watched the lift floor indicator. We reached the top floor and began walking down the hallway. "My room is just over here..." Paul commented. For some reason I felt strangely uncomfortable with the thought of going in his room but I couldn't figure out why. I decided to make the excuse that I just needed some fresh air and would go back downstairs.

"You know what...I think a bit of fresh air is what I need..." I suggested. Paul stopped walking and gestured towards the end of the hall. 

"There's the door to the roof..." he told me and tugged at my arm to head that way. I wondered how he knew about the roof and how to get there.

"Are we allowed to go up there?" I questioned. Paul laughed again and opened the door when we reached it.

"It's fine...we've all gone up a few times to have a smoke before bed..." he answered. "Seen the sunrise a few times as well...it's really a nice view..." Paul began walking up the small set of stairs. I hesitated but he stopped and turned to look down at me. "Come on..." he insisted. I let out a breath, feeling uncertainty, but began walking up behind him.

"Won't it be too cold?" I asked as he got to the top and opened the metal door. 

"You'd be surprised how warm it can be..." he informed me as he held the door open and gestured for me to step out. I ducked my head at the low entrance and stepped onto the concrete area as Paul came up behind me and closed the door. The view was blocked by a large air conditioning unit on the roof. We walked to the left around it and came out to the wide span of rooftop. I had to admit the air wasn't as chilly as I had imagined. It had been colder down by the nightclub I had left earlier.

"Not so bad..." I commented as he guided me towards the far end of the roof. 

"Come over here...it's a better view..." he said. I came up behind him as he neared the building edge. It had a tall guard wall wrapping around the edge and Paul walked over like he was going to sit on it. It made me nervous just watching him. "Whoa!" I said as he went to sit on the concrete surface. He smiled at me and sat down anyway.

"It's fine Brian!" he told me in his light Irish lilt. "I've sat here before...it's perfectly safe..." he said as he waved me over his way. I took a few steps but kept my distance from the edge. Having no interest in sitting or peering over the guard wall. Paul got comfortable and opened his new pack of cigarettes. He lit one and looked out over the skyline. I admired the view of the tops of the nearby buildings. The lights from the structures is what helped me make out anything else around us. I was curious for a moment what you could see directly below but had no desire to lean over and look. We remained silent for a few minutes and just soaked in the night air.

"The air is nice up here...thanks..." I said to be polite to him. He smiled and took a drag of his cigarette as he eyed me. He blew the smoke out over the ledge. The breeze was gently lifting up the ends of his sandy colored hair.

"A fella in the hotel told me that the winds are sometimes warm because they blow in from the mountains..." he explained as he nursed his cigarette. I didn't understand exactly what the science was behind that but nodded understanding anyway. Paul leaned over and peered over the edge and then turned and looked at me again. "He said the winds have a name...the Foehn winds..." I wasn't familiar with the term.

"Never heard of it..." I replied. Paul shrugged and peered over again.

"Me neither..." he said and looked at me again. "The fella said that sometimes when those winds are blowing through it makes people do funny things..." he commented. 

"Funny things?" I questioned. Paul got a forlorn look on his face as he kept smoking.

"You know...people acting odd...crazy sometimes..." he explained. "The fella said that sometimes people even kill themselves during the time of the winds..." he smashed his cigarette out but kept his eyes on me as he spoke. "Can you imagine that?" he said with disbelief in his voice. My impulse was to say that, yes, I could imagine that. But my feelings on that topic were private and I was pretty sure Paul didn't know about my history.

"That's terrible..." I responded and Paul kept his eyes planted right on me. They were almost piercing and I felt like he could read my mind or something. It made me a little uneasy and I folded my arms in front of my chest and looked away for a moment. Feeling some semblance of protection from doing it. Paul lit another cigarette and then looked over the side of the building again. 

"The fella told me that quite a few of those crazy people actually jumped off this very building..." he revealed. He turned to look back at me and the expression on his face un-nerved me. I glanced back behind me and had a desire to leave and then turned to try and give him a smile. I don't think I managed one. 

"I'm feeling better...I think I'll head back down..." I told him. Paul nodded and remained seated as I turned and began walking to the door. Wanting to get off this roof as quickly as possible. Wanting to get away from him right now for reasons I couldn't really understand. I yanked open the door and immediately headed down the stairs. I felt a chill despite stepping inside the warmth of the building.

Roger's POV

I went through the club twice and didn't see him anywhere. I headed over to the bar to see if Petra, the barkeep, had seen him. As I approached I saw the waitress named Rivka and knew if Brian was here she would have seen him. We usually sat in her area. I rushed over and tapped her shoulder. She turned and smiled at me.

"Roger..." 

"Hey Rivka...have you seen Brian tonight?" I asked as she balanced her empty tray against her hip. 

"Yes...he left...." she replied. "Can I get you a drink?" she offered. I shook my head.

"No...thank you..." I told her and headed for the exit. Frustrated a bit that this was a fruitless journey.

I took a taxi back to our hotel and went to our suite to see if he had gone there. I opened the door and found the light on. The main room was empty but I heard a noise and went to the bathroom. I knocked on the door.

"Brian..." I said and waited.

"You can come in..." he told me. I opened the door to find only a dim light from the vanity glowing and discerned Brian was sitting in the bathtub in almost darkness. His clothes were strewn about the floor and he had a bottle of vodka perched on the edge of the tub. I walked in and closed the door behind me to keep the warm moist air inside the bathroom. I sat down on the covered toilet seat and crossed my legs as I looked over at him. His hair was damp and there was no bubble bath so I knew this wasn't a relaxing bath. It was something else.

"Want to talk about it?" I asked as he took a drink from the bottle in his hand. He set the bottle back on the tub edge and shrugged at me.

"What's there to say?" he questioned back. "I'm not wanted..." I did my best to avoid showing my annoyance in my face. He sounded like a child. A petulant one. A drunk one.

"That is not a true statement Brian...." I said to him calmly and reached over to take the vodka bottle from him. Partly to eliminate him drinking any more and partly because I wanted a drink if I had to attend his pity party. He let me take it and I took a large sip from it.

"Can I have my vodka back?" he asked as I rested the bottle on my thigh.

"I think you've had enough..." I responded. Brian made a disagreeable sound and proceeded to slide down further into the bathtub. His knees going up in the air as he tried to get his head under the water. I set the vodka bottle down on the tile and stood up and took hold of his arms and pulled on them to get him to resurface. I wasn't going to let him be anymore dramatic than he already was.

"Stop it!" he told me in an irritated tone. I held his arms and sat down on the edge of the tub to make sure he stayed above the water.

"I won't stop it!" I argued back. "Drinking and drowning aren't going to fix anything and you know it..." I reminded him. "Stop being so fucking dramatic and either take a bath like an adult or get out of the tub!" I demanded. He jerked his arms away from me and groaned.

"Fine!" he said harshly and pushed at my leg on the tub edge. "Move so I can get out!" he barked at me. I got up and took a step back and watched him carefully as he managed to stand in the tub. I got him a towel and he took it and ran it over his head; blotting his wet hair. He then proceeded to try and make a turban with it and got frustrated when it came loose and he almost dropped the towel in the tub. "Shit!" he muttered. I did my best to avoid laughing at this poor coordination. He had definitely had too much to drink tonight. I handed him another towel as he laid the damp one over his head. 

"Take my hand when you step out..." I told him. He looked annoyed at my request but obeyed me as I gripped his hand and he took an awkward step out of the tub and onto the bath mat. He stood there and dried off a bit with the dry towel. He looked over at me and then wrapped the towel around his waist. We both left the bathroom and I turned on a lamp as we came into the bedroom. Brian walked over and let himself slump over on the bed.

"What time is it?" he mumbled to me. I didn't even look. It didn't matter.

"Time for you to get some sleep..." I answered. "Have you been sleeping through the night?" I questioned as he laid like a lump on the mattress. He didn't answer. I walked over and sat on the bed next to him. "Bri....answer me..." I told him. 

"No..." he confessed in a low voice. His face was half buried in the duvet. I had suspected he was having insomnia again. I had seen him awake the few times I had woke in the middle of the night. It affected his mood and his temper. I reached over and ran my hand over his bare back and his skin was already cool and dry.

"Are you feeling down?" I questioned. "Are you blue again?" I asked. There was silence and then Brian shifted on the bed and rolled over a bit to look at me. The towel draped on his head had fallen off and his hair was a mess.

"Wouldn't you be down if you did nothing but fight with your bandmates and feel like they don't appreciate what you have to offer anymore?" he told me as he wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

"Brian...we fight all the time...it's kind of what we do..." I reminded him. He looked at me and blinked. "And as for not being appreciated...well I am pretty sure you are overthinking this one..." Brian lowered his eyes and moved his hands away from his shoulders. He proceeded to pick at one of his fingernails and seemed to be thinking.

"But they don't want me playing a solo..." Brian told me quietly as he kept looking at his fingers. I know he is disappointed in the direction Freddie and Deacy have taken their current work. I wasn't thrilled myself.

"So we are doing some different things on this record...." I stated. "Granted we both don't care for some of it...but it's not just our record now...is it?" I pointed out. "This album won't be as heavy Bri...just accept it...." I asked. "So just play the shit out of that rhythm part! Alright?" I told him. "Fucking own every note!" I said with encouragement. Brian actually smiled. I instantly felt better seeing it. I laid down next to him and my face was right by his. "We've just got 10 days and then we're headed home for Christmas...." I reached over and tried to move some of his hair away from his face.

"I miss the kids..." he confessed to me. I took hold of his hand and ran my other one through his tangled hair. 

"I do too babe..." I replied. "We'll be home for a few weeks and we won't do anything while we are there...just us and the kids..." I offered. Brian smiled and nodded agreement. I pulled him closer to me and hugged him. I know that some of what is going on is more than what is happening in the studio. He needed some real rest and I considered calling the doctor as we laid together on the bed.

"Sorry about tonight..." Brian mumbled against my shoulder. 

"I think the apology needs to be made to Deaks..." I said back. Brian pulled away from my hug and looked into my eyes. He did seem a bit more sober and he wasn't as cranky.

"I know...but you came after me..." he replied. "I know you had other things to do..." I ran my hand over his cheek and smiled at him.

"You're more important than a stupid house in L.A. ..." I pointed out. "It's not going anywhere..." I reminded him. He really smiled at me and then surprised me by pulling me in for a kiss. I returned it and enjoyed every second of it.

"I love you..." he told me as our lips parted. He was stroking my hair as he spoke. 

"I love you too....just get through the next week or so and you'll feel better...alright?" I suggested. He nodded in response and then I felt him shiver. 

"Cold..." he mumbled. 

"I'd be cold too if I was laying there naked on top of the covers..." I pointed out. I pulled myself up from the bed and got up and them got him up as well so we could get the bedclothes pulled back. "Get some pajamas or just get under the blanket..." I told him. Brian dropped his towels on the floor and just climbed into bed. Still a bit intoxicated. 

"I'm tired..." he told me. 

"You are..." I agreed. "Get some sleep and you can apologize to Deacy tomorrow and we can get on with it...alright?" I said with encouragement. He nodded again as he settled his head on the pillows and pulled the duvet up over his shoulder. I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his head.

"Night Rog..." he told me. I smiled and kissed him again.

"Night Bri...."


	3. Hot Space..Let's Go - Part 2

20th December 1981

Munich

Roger's POV

Things were a bit better in the studio but I observed Brian struggling. He and Deacy found a way to move forward and get on with recording. A strain remained between them but it was a manageable one. I knew I needed to make our holiday break from work a really good one. We flew home and began focusing on Christmas and I had no idea what to get him as a gift. I called Clare and we decided to go shopping together. She knows him so well and could help me out. I picked her up at her flat and we headed for some shops in Mayfair.

"Are you thinking of something unique? One of a kind?" Clare asked as walked from the car down the pavement towards a street of Antique shops. I shrugged. 

"I don't know...I'm really at a loss this year..." I confessed. Clare smiled and stopped me to peer into the window display of the first shop.

"You can't go wrong if you get him something stereoscopic..." Clare remarked as we both scanned the curiosities in the window. 

"Good idea...." I replied as we continued strolling the pavement. The weather was decent for walking at the moment but was going to turn colder with rain and possibly snow later on. I felt rushed to make a decision and find something. "I guess we need to make it quick...with the weather turning lousy..." I commented. Clare put her arm around mine as we walked and leaned into my side.

"Don't worry...we'll come up with something..." We chatted and went to a few stores and I found nothing that garnered my interest. I was beginning to feel a bit panicked as we stepped out of a book shop empty handed. I noticed the air had got colder and the sky was beginning to look a little threatening.

"I have a bad feeling I'm not going to find something before we have to seek shelter..." I told my sister. We kept walking as I tried to wrap my scarf a little tighter around my neck. The skies were getting darker. We both felt a few drops of cold rain and began to move faster as Clare pulled her umbrella out. "Shit!" I cried out as we both began running to the nearest building for shelter. I pulled open the door to the first business we found and stepped inside. Clare had not quite got her umbrella open so she closed it and tucked it inside her bag as we surveyed our sanctuary from the frigid rain. It was a travel agency. A few other people were standing around and looking over some travel brochures. 

"At least we have something nice to occupy us why we wait out the rain..." Clare remarked as she walked over to the wall and pulled a copy of a brochure for a tour of Italy. I joined her and watched as she flipped through the booklet. I glanced around at the other people and noticed the travel agents speaking to some customers. I couldn't complain about missing out on shopping at the moment. We were mostly dry and warm. "I'd love to visit Tuscany..." Clare commented as she pointed to a page in her brochure. I saw a photo of the Italian countryside and it did look inviting. We had not actually played any shows in Italy and hoped to make it there someday. I looked out the front windows of the shop and saw the rain was really coming down. I sighed and realized I wasn't going to find a present today. Clare heard my noise. "Sorry you're delayed in shopping..." Clare told me as she nudged my side with her elbow and returned the brochure to the wall. 

"It's alright...it's not like I knew what to get him anyway..." I said quietly. Clare leaned against a blank spot on the wall and looked at me. 

"Let's try and brainstorm while we wait...what does Brian want?" she asked me. Well - what Brian wanted right now was something I couldn't give him for Christmas.

"What he wants is for things to be different in the studio right now....and that's not something I can give him..." I replied. Clare gave me a sympathetic smile. "And as far as anything else he might want...he probably already has it...." I pointed out. "That's the downside of having lots of money...you tend to get what you want right when you want it...." I explained. "It ruins Christmas!" I said to be a bit dramatic and Clare chuckled at me.

"Oh you poor dears with all your riches...." Clare remarked sarcastically as she swatted my arm. I laughed in return. "So that is what Brian wants...what do you think he needs right now?" she questioned. I ran my hand up into my overcoat and rubbed at my shoulder. My undershirt and fitted jumper made it hard to actually reach my skin. I knew what he really needed was some kind of mental boost. A panacea to his blue state. 

"To be honest he needs a lift...some type of emotional boost..." I confessed. "He's been low Clare...and I have to admit it bothers me...it reminds me of how he was when he got so depressed..." I said in a low voice so no one else could hear me. Clare's face showed concern hearing this. She wrapped her arm around me.

"Rog...I didn't realize it was that bad..." she replied with worry in her tone. "You have to do something..." she told me and we shared a knowing look between us. I knew she was remembering what happened last time Brian had a depression spell. "Has he spoken to or seen Mack?" she questioned. I shook my head. He had not called his therapist.

"No...he tried to play down his mood and told me if he got worse he would phone him...since we've not been home he can't see him...and I can't force him to go..." I explained. Clare rubbed my arm and then I saw her face brighten. I wondered if she had an idea.

"Rog...I think I know what you can get him as a present and it will help him feel better..." she declared. She raised her hand and pointed to a wall on the far side of the shop. I couldn't see it though as my glasses were in my coat pocket. 

"What is it?" I asked I fumbled for my glass case. I got them out and slid them on and looked over at the wall. I smiled widely as I saw a travel poster for Tenerife.  
\-------------------------

25th December 1981

Brian's POV 

I watched Roger open his present and was thrilled by the look on his face when he pulled back the tissue paper and saw the new writing notebook I got him. Like the original one I bought him all those years back, it was the same honey colored leather. His name was embossed in the corner just like before. Roger immediately undid the clasp on it and opened it up. Just like the first notebook I bought, I had written a note inside.

25 December 1981

Dearest Roger -

Twelve years ago we talked about your ambition to be a song writer. To mark our first year together I bought you a notebook just like this one and encouraged you to fill it with words, stories and music. I said to fill in the same way you had filled my heart.

Today I give you a new book to fill and I am so proud of how prolific you've become. How gifted and remarkable you are as a craftsman of song. I cannot wait to hear what beauty comes from these pages; though it will never be as beautiful as the love you have given me all these years. 

I love you

Brian 

"Oh Brian..." Roger said in a tender voice. "I love it!" he told me. He leaned over and we shared a quick kiss. Everyone else was watching us except the kids. They were engrossed in their large haul of toys, books and games. 

"That's just like your first notebook..." Clare remarked as Roger handed it to her. Mia leaned over and they both checked it out. Of course Clare read the sentiment inside and made a cooing sound. "That is so sweet..." Clare announced. I felt a little embarrassed but Roger pulled me into a hug as Clare passed the notebook over to my mother so she could see it. 

"Anyone have any presents left to open?" Clare asked. I looked around and saw one last package. It had a note attached indicating I had to open it last. It was from Roger. 

"I've got one left..." I said as the others checked and found they had opened all their gifts. Roger kept his arm around me as I went to open my package. I felt a bit excited as I tore the paper. I noticed everyone watching as I opened the plain box inside. I pulled back the tissue paper to see it was two new swimsuits. I was happy as my other suits had seen better days. Since we swim so much when staying in hotels, and now have a pool at home, I wore my suits out quickly. "Thanks Rog...I need these..." I told him. I held up one of the suits and I saw everyone looking at bit eager as I showed them a pair of light blue trunks with a yellow stripe down the side. They seemed overly excited for just some swim clothes. 

"Look under the tissue paper..." Roger told me. I moved the paper aside and saw an envelope in the bottom of the box. I was instantly curious what it might be and picked it up. "Open it..." he said. I unflapped the envelope and found several pages tucked inside. I noticed the paper looked a little old and my curiosity was peaked as I pulled them out. "You just said the swimsuits were something you needed....well this is something else I think you need as well.." he informed me. I unfolded the pages and opened them and then realized they were letters written by my own hand. I then recognized they were the letters I had sent Roger when I was away in Tenerife so many years ago. My heart rate sped up and I had excitement building inside me as I considered what he was trying to tell me. He was using the same trick on me that I had played on him.

"Is this what I think it is?" I asked him as he slipped his arm from around my shoulder and I turned to look at him. Roger was smiling widely and had a gleam in his eye.

"It's exactly what you think it is!" he replied. I remembered all those years back when I surprised Roger with a trip to Tenerife for Christmas. We had just started to make some real money and I had splurged on a holiday for us that represented an overdue honeymoon. I had surprised him by keeping the holiday a secret and telling him we would go somewhere after the first of the year. He opened a box on Christmas day with a new swimsuit in it and I had placed my letters from Tenerife in the box as well. I wrote him a note explaining what it all meant. The next big surprise was that we were leaving that very night on a flight out to the island. My stomach erupted in butterflies.

"Wait! Are we going now?" I questioned as I glanced at my watch. It was just around 11 in the morning. Roger laughed as I pulled him into my arms. So delighted by this wonderful surprise.

"I think we'll have a nice Christmas dinner with our parents first and you need to pack..." he explained. "We're actually leaving tomorrow morning..." he informed me. The thought of getting to return to Tenerife after all this time thrilled me to bits. I then realized if we were going that we wouldn't have as much time with the kids as I had hoped. I really missed them so much being away from home. I guess Roger could sense what I was thinking. He spoke before I could say anything. "And before you worry about time away from the kids...they are coming with us!" 

\------------------------------

I found out Roger had gone first class with the entire trip as we enjoyed the holiday meal with our family. Not only had he rented a private beach house in the southern part of the island, he had also arranged for a private plane to take us there. The kids were going along with Mia and Clare was coming. She had not been on a holiday recently and had never been to Tenerife. We all excitedly chatted about the trip after our dinner and my parents left for home and Winnie and Trevor announced they were leaving the next morning. It turned out everyone was packed for the trip but me. The kids did not know about the trip so they wouldn't accidently tell me before Christmas day. I packed my suitcase and felt real excitement about getting away somewhere sunny and bright. Munich had been so dismal for me and the rotten weather at home hadn't helped. It had been great being back home with the kids but the rush to get ready for Christmas was stressful. I wasn't stressed as I packed and was soon settled in bed to try and sleep before we flew out in the morning.

26th December 1981

The alarm went off to get us up in time for our flight. As I opened my eyes and reached for the alarm I felt Roger shift on the bed and he was planting himself on top of me. Straddling my waist and his upper body leaning down towards me. He wore that beautiful smile that always makes me feel warm inside. 

"It's been 12 years today...happy anniversary..." Roger told me and leaned down for a slow sensual kiss. It felt lovely and I brought my arms up to wrap around him. Holding him and savoring his mouth as mine opened up to accept a deeper kiss. Despite having alone time in Munich, we had not been intimate in a while. My dour mood had quelled any amorous activity between us. But right now I was feeling up again. And that feeling spread all the way to my crotch as Roger ran his hands over my shoulders and up into my hair. His body starting to move against me and I felt evidence of his own reaction to our snogging. 

I wanted to be closer to him and moved my own hands down his back and took hold of his bottom. I then realized Roger was already naked. I smiled against his neck where I had moved my mouth to kiss and suck at the warm tender skin. 

"Someone's already naked..." I said teasingly to him and Roger chuckled as he pulled up from my torso and looked down at me adoringly. He ran his hands over my chest.

"I planned for this just like I planned our trip..." he informed me as he gave me his cheeky smile. "I think you'll find I have taken care of all the preliminaries..." he said as he leaned forward again and kissed me fervently. I had an inkling of what he had implied and ran my hand over his bottom and felt between his cheeks to find a plug already in place. My husband had planned for everything. I laughed with joy as I grabbed hold of him and rolled us over in the bed. Getting on top of him. Roger kept making that carefree sound of laughter he makes when extremely happy. We kissed passionately as I managed to get out of my pajamas and briefs. I was soon kissing my way down his body and took him in my mouth as Roger played with my hair and murmured to me. I got him close to the edge and then worked to extract his plug as I got the lube from the nightstand. Roger spread his legs out as I got between his thighs and was soon pushing into him. We looked into each other eyes and savored this special connection as we slowly made love. 

\------------------------------------

"I've got a car arranged..." Roger told me as we stood on the concrete strip by the runway where our plane landed. A porter came up and was helping the pilot extract our luggage. Mia had hold of Tiger Lily's hand and Jimi was on Clare's hip. Our luggage was placed on a large cart and we followed the porter to the customs area for the airport. I got out everyone's passports and we were quickly processed and on our way. Roger got the Land Rover from the car rental and we loaded up and were off to the private house the travel agent had secured for us. It was on the beach in Los Cristianos. The drive there was just beautiful and the warm sun poured through the windows of the car. It was a short trip to the house. We pulled in to find a beautiful two story villa. There were palm trees and a pool and path to a small private beach and it was sunny and bright.

"Is this where we are staying?" Tiger Lily asked as she looked around in complete wonder. 

"Yes princess...." Roger told her as we both carried in suitcases and looked around the house.

"It's so warm..." Jimi remarked as we walked out to the back patio where the pool was. Mia walked up and grabbed Jimi's hand as we got near the pool edge. 

"Don't come near the pool unless an adult is out here with you..." Mia told him and Tiger Lily firmly. 

"Listen to Mia..." Roger told them both. Our kids were good swimmers but we both liked Mia's cautious nature. She was as fun as could be but had an instinct about certain things. We trusted her judgement. I stood and let the sun bathe me in warmth and felt like this trip was going to do me a world of good. I felt a pair of small hands wrap around my thighs. Tiger Lily leaned into my side as I looked down at her.

"Do you like it?" I asked her and she smiled and nodded. 

"It's so sunny..." she remarked. "Why is it so cold at home but warm and sunny here?" she asked.

"That's because we flew south on the airplane..." I explained. "We left London and flew out towards Africa...but we are on an island that is near the northern part of Africa..." I remembered seeing a globe in the living area. I took her hand. "Come here..." I said and walked back inside. I found the globe and showed her where England was and then ran my finger from our home island down to the one we are on now. "The further south you go this time of year...the warmer it is..." I said in general terms. She smiled at me and spun the globe on its axis. 

"You've been all over the globe...haven't you?" she asked as we watched it go round. 

"I guess I have..." I agreed. "There are some places I haven't been... some I'm keen to visit..." Tigs looked at me as I spoke and her eyes were so blue in the bright light filtering into the room. Just like Roger's. 

"You said you and Papa came here before..." she commented. I nodded as I smiled and recalled the wonderful trip we had here. Our belated honeymoon.

"We did..." I confirmed. 

"Did you stay in this house?" she questioned. 

"No...we stayed in hotels...like we do when we are on tour..." I explained. "We came here in 1974...we didn't have as much money then...but we sure had a great time..." Tigs looked like she was thinking and I was curious what was going through her mind.

"I was born in 74..." she reminded me. "Why didn't I come with you?" she asked. 

"You were born in 74...but you were just a tiny baby and you were living with your Mother then..." I reminded her. She looked at me intently.

"When did I come to live with you?" she asked. I realized she was getting older and questions about her past were going to become a regular thing. I wished Roger was here for this conversation. I didn't want to assume everything he might want to say to her. Despite us both being her parents I still tried to respect the fact that he was her real father and was the one tied to Kim. I took Tiger Lily's hand and walked her over to the sofa. I sat us down and smiled at her. 

"Are you curious about when you came to live with us?" I asked her directly. She nodded. 

"We can talk about it but I'd really like Papa to be here with us...okay?" I said back. 

"Okay..." she agreed. Jimi came running into the room and launched himself onto the sofa. Tiger Lily giggled and proceeded to tickle him. She quickly forgot her questions as they began to wrestle on the couch and were soon tackling me and attempting to tickle me as well. I laughed and playfully tried to fend them off. I knew the time had come to try and tell Tigs more about her past and we would talk about what we wanted to say before we answered her questions. 

Tickling was soon abandoned as we headed upstairs and found which bedrooms we would occupy. There were four rooms and Roger and I took the largest room. The children shared a room that had two twin beds and Clare and Mia each had a room to themselves. We sorted out the luggage and everyone changed into beachwear before we took a walk down to the private beach and then Clare and Roger volunteered to go shopping for some basic food and drinks. They were keen on some sibling time so I went for a swim with the kids and Mia relaxed in a lounge chair by the pool and read a book.

Roger's POV

"We should have brought Brian with us..." I remarked as we tried to speak to a shopkeeper in the market. I forget that most people here speak Spanish and Brian is our language expert. Another man came up to us and kindly offered to translate. We were soon guided to what we were looking for and finished up the shopping. I got the boxes of groceries placed in the back of the Land Rover and Clare and I took off for the house.

"I'm delighted you wanted to come on the trip..." I told Clare as I tried to remember the way back to our house. 

"I really needed to get away..." she answered. "I didn't tell you but I recently broke up with someone..." she revealed.

"Sorry Bear..." I told her and reached over to touch her arm. She gave me a halfhearted smile.

"Thanks Rog...it's tough out there..." she remarked in a tight voice as she looked out the car window. Clare has not always been so open with me about her dating life. I think since she dated that arsehole Terry before she moved from Truro she has been private. I respected her decision and was surprised she was telling me now. 

"I know you don't tell me much about your dating life...and I respect your right to privacy...but I'm happy to listen if you need to unload..." I told her sincerely. "You certainly listen to me talk enough about my life..." I reminded her. She waved her hand dismissively at me.

"It's fine Rog...I have Alli to talk to about that stuff..." she pointed out. Alli was still her best friend and had remained in Truro. She was divorced now with a young child. 

"The offer is open..." I countered and she smiled warmly at me.

"I know..." she said and turned back to look out the window. 

We got back home and unloaded the groceries. To celebrate our first night there we went to a nearby restaurant to taste some local flavors. Brian ordered grilled fish and the local potato dish along with some grilled vegetables. The children were having the island version of fish and chips. Mia and Clare both opted for a tapas dish and I scanned the menu and found a photo of something quite delicious looking. The waiter appeared and spoke English. The others ordered and it was my turn.

"What is this?" I asked as I pointed to the picture. The waiter smiled at me.

"It's rabbit..." the waiter answered. 

"And how it is prepared?" I asked. Before the waiter could respond Tiger Lily interrupted us.

"You're going to eat a rabbit?" she questioned in disbelief. 

"I might be..." I answered. She made a sound of disenchantment. I ignored her and turned to the waiter. He continued.

"It's cooked in a red wine sauce with garlic, onions, and peppers and served with the local potatoes..." he explained. It sounded delicious and I decided to give it a try.

"I'll take it..." I told him. The waiter left the table and I saw Tiger Lily glaring at me. "What?" I questioned to her and she shook her head. 

"You're going to eat a rabbit..." she said with distaste. "We have rabbits living at home...in the garden..." she reminded me. 

"And there are cows in the pastures near our home and you often eat that..." I said back in the same judgmental tone. I saw the others watching us and knew Brian probably had an opinion but he held his tongue and only smirked at me. I picked up my glass of wine and ignored them all. 

"I suppose you'll probably want to eat Squeaky for dinner when we get back home..." Tiger Lily remarked snidely and Brian practically spurt out his drink of wine.

\--------------------------------------

It was lovely to see how much Brian was enjoying the trip over the next few days. He spent most of his time outdoors. He swam in the pool and loved to go walking on the beach. We had a particularly hot day and we all decided to go for a swim in the ocean. The water wasn't too bad and the kids preferred to play in the sand over fighting the waves.

Brian soon joined them on the beach where they began to build a sandcastle. I soon joined them as well and Mia and Clare went for a walk down the shoreline. We sat and helped form the shapes for the castle using a plastic bucket and tools Brian bought the children at a nearby tourist shop. Brian had his camera with him and we shared duties in capturing some lovely moments us the four of us together. We were soon back at the house and after a light lunch a nap was in order for everyone. Brian and I got the kids settled in their room and I pulled off my t-shirt as I spread out on our bed. Brian came out of the bathroom and walked over to lay next to me. He sat down as I rolled over to look at him. He was already sporting a light tan along with a slight beard and he looked rested and relaxed. He looked so much better than when we left Munich.

"This place looks good on you..." I remarked as he got settled. He smiled at me and reached over and stroked my side.

"I am so glad you did this...for me....for us..." he replied. I leaned closer and we shared a kiss. "I didn't know how badly I needed some sunshine and a change of scenery...and having the kids here is the best part..." he added. "Next to you of course..." I grinned at him and we had another kiss.

"It's been a while since we went anywhere with Clare..." I commented. I rolled over on my back and put my arm behind my head. "I didn't realize how much I miss having her around..." 

"I miss her too..." Brian replied. "Can I ask if you've noticed that she seems a little off...not quite herself..." Brian observed. I turned to look at him.

"She told me she broke up with someone right before the holidays...so she might still be down about that..." I revealed. Brian nodded understanding and shifted on the bed so he could rest his hand on my chest.

"That probably explains it..." Brian commented. He closed his eyes and I watched him slip easily off to sleep. I was so glad to see him getting some real rest and looking blissful. I soon drifted off myself.

31st December 1981

I woke up early and feeling quite rested decided to get around and try and figure out some breakfast. I don't normally cook but could manage a few things and wanted to give the others a break from preparing every meal. I knew the kids would be up soon so I cut up some fresh fruit and laid that out with some goat cheese Brian had bought at the nearby market. I found the eggs and decided to scramble some once the kids were up. I got the coffee started and felt quite domestic as I headed upstairs quietly to see if the kids had woke up.

As I walked to their room I heard a sound from the bathroom at the end of the hall. I realized that someone was sick and walked over and tapped gently on the door. I wasn't sure if it was Mia or Clare or one of the kids.

"Everything okay in there?" I said quietly. The person wretched again and then I heard them say something.

"I'm okay...give me a minute..." I recognized Clare's voice and hoped she was okay. She hadn't said she felt ill the night before and I hoped she didn't get sick off of the food we had last night. I stood and waited and heard the toilet flush and the sink run. The door finally opened and Clare gave me a strained smile as she set a hand towel on the counter.

"You okay?" I questioned. She nodded to me and took my arm as she began walking us towards the stairs. I followed her down and she walked to the kitchen and got herself a glass of water. I stood and waited for her to speak. She took a few sips and set the glass on the counter. "Are you sick? Was it something you ate last night?" I asked. Clare sighed and wiped at her forehead as she looked away from me for a moment and then returned her eyes to mine. She looked so serious. For some reason I felt a little panicked. Was she seriously ill? 

"Rog...I'm pregnant!"


	4. Hot Space...Let's Go - Part 3

31st December 1981

Tenerife

Roger's POV

"You're pregnant?" I asked in disbelief. Clare nodded and looked at me with something akin to fear in her eyes. I had to grab the counter to lean against it as I tried to absorb the news. She had told me she broke up with the guy she was dating before the holidays. Did she know she was pregnant when they broke up? Did he break up with her because she's pregnant? What is she going to do?

"And before you ask, the father and I broke up a few weeks before Christmas..." she confirmed. "And I did tell him I was pregnant..." I was immediately mad that he knew she was pregnant and broke up with her. I was assuming of course, he is the one who left. 

"So he knew you were pregnant and broke up with you?" I questioned. I could already tell by her face that this was the case. That piece of shit!

"I told him I was pregnant and the first thing he did was question if he was the father and tried to accuse me of cheating and trying to entrap him..." Clare explained. "When I first met him he seemed like a such a nice guy...but he turned out to be a giant prick...like a lot of the men I've met..." she told me with disdain in her voice. I immediately pulled her in for a hug and felt terrible about how she had been treated.

"Bear...I am so sorry..." I told her and pressed her head against my shoulder and kissed her. Feeling like I hadn't done my job as her older brother. The more I thought about this guy the angrier I got. An idea formed in my head. "Tell me who he is and I can get some of the road crew to rough him up..." I told her. Clare pulled back and looked at me with horror.

"Yes Rog...because violence fixes everything..." she scolded. "You sound like our father..." she remarked and I immediately looked at her with surprise. I hated any comparison to that man.

"Don't even say that..." I responded sharply and she looked quite stern.

"Then don't act like him..." she retorted. We both stood silent for a moment and tried to calm down. I let go of my idea to have the guy beat up and she took a deep breath. 

"So he broke up with you?" I asked and she sighed again and nodded to me.

"He called me a few days later and said he would consider reconciling if I had an abortion..." she stated with a real sense of disgust. I wanted to murder the guy but held back saying it. I clenched my fists and tried to keep calm for her sake.

"Do you want the baby?" I questioned. I wasn't sure where she stood on this and needed to know. She looked uncertain.

"I'm not sure..." she answered. "But either way...I know I don't want to get back with him..." she clarified. I was glad to hear it. I didn't want her feeling obligated to go back to him just because she's pregnant. 

"Do you know how far along you are?" I asked her. She shook her head. 

"No...I only know I'm pregnant...I took one of those home tests and I know I am because I feel just like I did when I was pregnant with Jimi..." Clare explained to me. "I got an appointment scheduled with my doctor for when we get back home..." 

"Alright..." I responded. "Does Mum know?" I asked and she immediately shook her head.

"I don't see the need to tell her unless I keep it..." she answered. That made sense. I suddenly wondered what she was going to do. If she kept the baby it might prove problematic for her job. She would be a single mother. 

"So...if you decide to keep it...what are you going to do?" I questioned. "You know...with your job? With raising it on your own?" I asked. Clare took a sip of her water and sighed again. 

"That's what I am having to think about..." she responded. "If I keep it there might be problems with my job..." Clare revealed. "And of course...it would be really difficult to manage on my own...I've seen those women who are alone with kids...I don't know how some of them do it?" she questioned. 

"I guess you do have a lot to consider..." I replied. "I want to help in whatever way I can..." I told her. "Let me know what I can do Bear..." Clare smiled gratefully at me.

"I will...thanks..." she told me. "For now...can we keep this between us?" she asked. I wondered if us included Brian.

"What about Brian?" I questioned. She nodded. 

"It's fine...though I'd rather tell him myself..." she suggested. I understood that.

"Alright..." I said back. "But make it soon...he already felt like something was off with you and if you skip drinking tonight for New Years...he'll definitely get curious..." Clare laughed a little.

"You're right...it seems like Brian has an intuition about me since we had a baby together..." she remarked. It felt odd to hear her say that but I guess it was true. Biologically speaking. I smiled at her and pulled her back for a hug. Wanting to protect her from the difficult decisions she had to make. 

"Love you Bear..." I simply told her and held her close.

\---------------------------------

Brian's POV

I was excited and eager to see Mount Teide again. We finished our breakfast and filed in the Land Rover to drive to the National Park. It was just an hours ride from our villa. Roger got us there safely and we parked the car and headed out. Everyone had on their trainers since there was uneven terrain and loose rock all around. We also had jackets since it gets colder on this part of the island. There was a brisk wind today so the jackets were much needed. I explained what we were seeing as we hiked around the lower part of the main visitors area. It was marvelous to see how much was the same. Jimi was quite interested in the volcanic rock and I told him and Tiger Lily they could each get a small rock at the gift shop to take home. I showed them the area I first visited back in 1970 and then Roger and I talked about our visit in 74. Seeing the observatory wasn't possible since my friend no longer worked there and there was some construction going on. I was disappointed but still enjoyed seeing the buildings and the area again. 

We finished with the main site and Roger drove us to the cable car station. Roger and I had not made it to the new cable car ride when we visited. We were too focused on the observatory. We got our tickets and spent our wait time in the gift shop. I couldn't resist and bought the kids shirts, some rocks, a kaleidoscope and we got postcards to mail out to friends and family. I then got everyone to pose for pictures at a scenic spot and even got out my stereo camera for some interesting views. Our boarding time arrived and we headed over to wait for the next car. Jimi took my hand and looked up at me. He was eager to ride.

"I'm not big on high places..." Mia commented. She looked a little nervous. I smiled at her.

"I would stand in the middle of the car...stay away from being right up by the windows...it won't be as bad there..." I suggested. I wished she would have mentioned this before. One of us could have stayed at the station with her. "If you would rather stay here...I can stay with you.." I offered. She smiled at me and waved her hand dismissively. 

"Your idea is good...I'll be fine in the middle.." she answered. Tiger Lily went up to her.

"I'll hold your hand and you'll be safe then..." she suggested. Mia beamed at her and took hold of her delicate little hand. 

"Thanks Tigs..." Mia told her. Tiger Lily just smiled up at her and the doors to the car opened up and we all went to get in. Roger and Clare plastered themselves by a side window and Mia and Tiger Lily went to the center of the car. I had Jimi's hand and we went to the front to look out the window. The car began to close and I realized it was just our little group on board. It was nice and I smiled as I turned and watched everyone take in the view as we headed up the side of the mountain. It was breathtaking to see as we neared the peak of the volcano. There was such a beautiful palette of earth tones on the mountainside. It was lovely to see on the slow ride up. It was warm for this time of year and there was barely a hint of snow.

"How high up are we?" Roger asked as we began to reach the top of the station.

"The sign said we go up to about 3500 meters..." I answered. Our car stopped and we got out at the top and enjoyed the amazing views from the observation deck. We could see some of the other Canary Islands out in the distance. After staying a bit and getting some photos, we returned to a cable car to ride back down. There was a full car of people this time. I noticed on the way back that Clare seemed quiet. She had been all day. It was evident something was on her mind besides our holiday. Roger and the kids were looking out the other window and Mia had grown comfortable enough to join them. I kept my eye on Clare as she stared out of a window on her own. I wanted to ask her if she was still feeling down about her breakup. I felt bad that she had been unlucky in the dating department. She is an amazing woman and I couldn't understand how she was still single. As I considered something to ask her so I could strike up a conversation the cable car jerked a little. I heard everyone gasp a bit but we smoothed right out. The thing that caught my eye was Clare. Right after we had the jerking movement I saw her place her hand over her stomach. She immediately looked down at her abdomen and gently made a circle with the palm of her hand. I almost gasped from seeing this gesture because the only time I had seen her do this before was when she was pregnant. Is Clare pregnant? 

The consideration stayed with me as we reached the base station and got back in the car to returned to our villa in Los Cristianos. I found myself eyeing her at every opportunity. We stopped in Vilaflor to get a late lunch. The kids were hyper for some reason and Jimi was running around our table. 

"Slow down!" Roger scolded Jimi and tried to grab him as he went by. Roger didn't catch him and Jimi headed straight for Clare and went to dive into her lap. Roger jumped out of his seat. "Stop!" he yelled as Jimi almost landed on her. She had put her arms out and he only brushed his head against her chest. She made a sound like she had some wind knocked out of her and tried to laugh as Roger came up and grabbed Jimi. "Careful little man!" Roger told him and pulled him from Clare's lap. I noticed Clare wince as she tried to rub her breasts discreetly. So - she was holding her stomach and her breasts seemed tender. I was convinced now she was pregnant but couldn't say anything. I had a lot of questions going through my head as we left the cafe and drove back to the villa.

Tonight was New Years Eve and we had talked about different things we could do to celebrate. It ranged from a night in at the villa with some champagne and the radio or going to Playa de las Americas to see the new year in at a local disco. Mia wasn't interested in going to a club and preferred to stay in with the kids. The kids were napping when we returned. Mia was taking a bath. I wanted to see what Roger and Clare wanted to do and would go along with their choice.

"Let's go to the club...I really want to dance tonight..." Clare advised us. Roger looked at me for my input.

"I'm game for whatever you want..." I answered. Roger and Clare shared a look that made me wonder if he already knew about her condition. 

"Let's try and keep the drinking to a minimum...don't want to spoil our last day here tomorrow with a hangover..." Roger suggested. He and Clare looked at each other again and I was certain he knew. This was a ploy to give Clare an out for drinking tonight. I smiled and decided to play along.

"Sounds fine with me..." I replied. We all smiled at each other and Clare got up from the sofa. 

"I brought a dress just in case...let's hope it still fits after all this holiday eating..." she told us and I saw her wink at Roger as she left the room. He watched her leave and then turned to look at me.

"What are you wearing tonight?" he inquired. I stood up from the chair and stretched. 

"I brought that black suit you bought me..." I answered. "How about you?" I asked. Roger grinned at me as he got up and came over to my side. My t shirt had ridden up my stomach from my stretching. Roger ran his fingers over my bared skin and up under my shirt.

"Why don't you come to our room and I'll model it for you?" he said with a wink in my direction. I forgot about Clare for a moment as I followed Roger to our bedroom and locked the door.

\---------------------------------

We found a nightclub called Luna and they played a mix of Spanish and English music. There was a massive New Years Eve party going on and we were certainly dressed for the occasion. I had on my suit with a white shirt and thin black tie. Roger had opted for his black leather trousers and a sleek satin jacket. He wore a black shirt underneath with his own thin tie. Clare was able to get in her outfit and showed off her black satin off the shoulder dress. It was the newest style according to her. It had a white velvet sash around the middle that formed a bow in back. She looked really cute and it showed off her slim figure. 

The place was getting packed when we arrived. Luckily they were still admitting people. Roger bribed the hostess for one of the few remaining tables and we were escorted to a small table in the middle of the noisy club. We got seated and ordered some drinks. The new hit song by Human League started and Clare and Roger went for a dance. 'Don't You Want Me' played on as I watched them and others out on the floor. I enjoyed my vodka tonic and ordered us another round when a waiter came by. There was a great mix of music and Roger and Clare stayed on the floor for a Spanish dance song and a number from Duran Duran. When it finished they walked back towards me holding hands and laughing. Both in great spirits. I smiled at their joy in having some real time together during our holiday. I wondered if they were both smiling about the secret they held between them. That Clare is pregnant. They both took their seats and Clare leaned over and kissed my cheek. 

"You owe me a dance..." she informed me as she grabbed her drink and took a sip. I hadn't said a word when she ordered a coke instead of a mixed drink. "Promise me after the next song we'll get out there..." she said. I nodded to her and finished my first drink. Roger smiled at me and I wished I could get up and dance with him. I'm not the best dancer but had fond memories of previous New Years where I danced with him and shared a midnight kiss. He ran his hand across the table and then under it and I felt him take my hand in his. It was like he read my mind just then and we shared an understanding expression about what we both wished we could do right now. He settled his hand on top of mine on my thigh and winked at me. It made me feel good despite our limitations in public displays of affection. 

"Are you Brian May?" I heard someone ask in a British accent. I turned and saw a young man looking right at me with an expression of wonder. Our eyes met and before I could answer he glanced over at Roger. My husband kept hold of my hand under the table as moving it right then might be noticed. "Oh my god! You're Roger Taylor!" the man exclaimed. 

"Yes...it is us..." I confirmed. The man looked elated to hear this. Roger casually leaned away from me and slipped his hand from mine. Like an old habit , Clare leaned my way and I saw her hand on the table and I took it in mine like it was the most natural thing in the world. Resuming roles as pretend partners.

"Happy New Year!" Roger told the young man and reached out to shake his hand. The man smiled widely and took his hand. 

"Happy New Year to you too...it's an honor to meet you..." he said back. "Can I just say I am a huge Queen fan and I can't believe you are here?" he stated in disbelief. "I love your music!" he exclaimed.

"Thanks...we appreciate it..." I replied sincerely. The man reached out and we shook hands as well. 

"Are you here on holiday?" he questioned. We both nodded. 

"Yes...and you?" Roger responded. 

"Yeah...I'm here with my family...." the young man responded. "Could I get your autograph?" he asked. I wasn't sure how we were supposed to give him one since he didn't appear to have a pen or paper and neither did we. 

"Do you have a pen?" I asked him. He looked lost and I looked at Clare. She usually had something in her handbag but tonight she just had a small clutch bag with her that only had essentials. She shook her head before I could ask if she had anything.

"Sorry...I guess I didn't think..." the young man replied. "Anyway...it was thrilling to meet you and enjoy the rest of your holiday...." he told us. We all smiled at him.

"You too..." I responded. He smiled back and began walking away. Roger and I shared a quick glance between us. Relieved he didn't appear to notice Roger and I holding hands. Clare tapped my hand. 

"That was close..." she remarked. We all sighed and Clare tugged at my hand. "I want my dance..." she told me. I smiled at her and stood up as I offered my hand and we took off for the floor as Roger waved us off. The song was changing as we neared the floor and I wanted to laugh as 'Another One Bites The Dust' started playing. Clare cackled with delight as I pulled her close and we tried to do some semblance of funk dancing. I found my poorly coordinated moves embarrassing but Clare didn't seem to mind. She was joyful and looked radiant as we moved around our space on the floor. I tried my best not to step on her feet in her low black pumps. 

"Sorry...you know this isn't my forte..." I reminded her. She just smiled at me and we kept dancing. About halfway through the song I saw Roger come on the floor with an older woman who wasn't terribly attractive but was beaming like she won the lottery as Roger winked at us both and then pulled her in for a dance. I figured she had been bold enough to ask him for a turn on the floor and he agreed. I knew it was innocent and watched this woman enjoy every moment of his attention and much better dance moves than I had.

"I think my brother just made that woman's night..." she remarked. I nodded agreement as the song changed and I pulled Clare closer for a slower Spanish song.

"I think you're right..." I replied with a wide grin. I held onto Clare's hand and waist and moved her around slowly. My mind returning to her secret as I touched her side. Wondering what the circumstances were. Wondering when she was going to tell me. It was like she knew what I was thinking. She stopped our dance and took hold of my hand and began leading me from the floor.

"I need a break...come with me..." she said as we headed towards our table. She walked past the table and we went for the bathrooms. I walked her to the ladies and she went inside as I waited for her near the door. A few woman waiting around were looking at me and I simply smiled. It became apparent one of them recognized me. She walked up wearing an acknowledging look.

"Are you that guy from Queen?" she asked me. I began to realize that with the large contingent of British tourists on Tenerife this was fast becoming a place where we were going to have to lay low to avoid fans. I nodded.

"Yes..." I answered. She and her friend both formed excited expressions and she walked up to me opening up her handbag. 

"Wow! I love your songs! Can I get your autograph?" she asked me. I smiled and nodded agreement as she produced a pen and a small notebook. I took them from her.

"Thanks...what's your name?" I inquired. 

"Patsy..." she responded. I personalized the autograph and then her friend Anna asked for one as well. I signed another blank page for her as Clare came out of the toilets.

"Here you go ladies...Happy New Year..." The women thanked me as Clare approached. Clare smiled at the ladies and I extended my hand to her to show them I was with her. She took it and we headed off towards the table. There was a small corner on the way that was pretty empty and she pulled me in that direction. I followed and she stopped and turned to face me. 

"I wanted to tell you something before the year ended..." she announced. I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say. 

"Okay..." I responded. She looked a little nervous and I felt bad for her. Based on her change in demeanor she seemed uncertain about telling me. 

"Brian...I was dating a guy for a while and we broke up a few weeks ago..." she began. She ran her hand up and down her other arm and was anxious as she spoke to me. "Well something happened and I just wanted you to know...because I love you and I don't like keeping secrets from you..." she told me. I felt honored to be trusted with news she considered a secret. She was hesitating with saying it. I wondered if she thought I might judge her and think less of her. It wouldn't be the case.

"Are you trying to tell me you're pregnant?" I finally said to lift the burden off her. Her face registered surprise and she gasped a little. 

"How?" she questioned and then almost laughed. "Yes...I am!" she replied a little flustered. I simply smiled at her and took her hands. 

"And are you happy about this or feeling something else?" I questioned. She first looked relieved I knew and then seemed a bit uncertain. 

"I'm not sure yet..." she confessed. I pulled her closer by her hands and tried to convey support and understanding. 

"If you decide you want to have the baby please know that you can come back home to live and we will do everything we can to help you Clare..." I told her. It seemed to strike the right note. She looked a little more relaxed.

"I really appreciate you saying that..." she responded. "If I do decide to have it...I have to consider that I might lose my job over it..." she revealed. "My employers are fairly conservative and might not care for an unwed mother...even in this day and age..." It was ridiculous that in 1981 this might still be an issue for her. I knew she worked for a man who was pretty straight laced. I had an idea.

"Then come work for us..." I told her. "We're an absolute mess...your brother and I...we could use your skills in handling our calendar and day to day affairs..." I explained. She looked at me with gratitude and I knew she thought I was making this up to save her skin. It was true though. Lately our lives had become so busy and with both of us trying to do some things separately it had become a complicated mess at times. "I mean it Clare...we have trouble keeping up with two schedules and as you know the fan mail is in a dreadful state..." Clare chuckled at my argument.

"That last point is definitely true..." she agreed with ardor. 

"All of it is true..." I countered. I pulled her in for a hug. Feeling protective of her and wishing she didn't have to deal with this difficult decision. I felt her wrap her arms around me and pull me in tight. She started crying and my heart hurt to think of the pain in making this choice.

"If I have it...I'm doing it alone...the father has washed his hands of the situation..." she told me in a fretful tone as she wept. I held her close and wished I could take the hurt away. I wanted to find this creep and see to him. Nobody hurts her!

"I'm sorry he's let you down Clare..." I told her with empathy. "It's his loss in my book..." I added. An idea struck me and I went with it. "If you're worried about any stigma...just tell the world it's mine..." I suggested. "We've already got Jimi and no one would question a second child..." Clare pulled me away from her and looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

"You'd tell the world it's yours?" she questioned and I nodded to her. 

"Of course I would..." I answered confidently and wiped some hair from her damp cheeks. "I am happy to let anyone think so and we can raise your baby with the other kids..." I offered. "We're a family Clare..." I reminded her with a warm smile. "An odd one...but that is what we are..." She found a smile for me and pulled me back in for a hug. I held onto her as she finished her tears and calmed down. I rubbed her back gently and waited. She finally pulled us apart and she tried to wipe at her face. She made a small hiccup sound as she collected herself. "You okay?" I asked her. She nodded and wiped at her face again and looked aghast at some mascara on her hand. 

"Ugh! I'm a mess!" she exclaimed. She looked back over towards the area with the toilets. "I'm going to tidy my face and I'll meet you at the table..." she said as she patted my chest and wore a happier expression.

"Okay..." I told her. She smiled at me and then walked towards the bathroom. I watched her go and hoped she was feeling better. Having told me and finding some solutions to the issues troubling her. I felt someone approach and wondered if it was another person who might have recognized me. I turned and saw Roger come up to my side.

"I wondered where you'd gone..." he remarked. He then saw my face and looked worried. "Is everything alright?" he questioned and then glanced around. "Where is Clare?" he asked with concern. I grabbed his arm as he went to walk away.

"She's okay...she went to the bathroom to freshen up..." I told him. Roger relaxed a little but then took a good look at me. His face looked troubled. 

"She told you..." he finally blurted out. I nodded to him.

"Actually...I had already figured it out..." I informed him. He looked shocked for a moment and then seemed to accept it. 

"I shouldn't be surprised..." he responded. "You two really have developed instincts about each other over the years..." Roger grinned at me. "I should have known you'd figure out she was pregnant...." 

"She told me the father is out of the picture..." I said to make sure he knew she had told me that particular point. He nodded and sighed. 

"Yeah...he's a total prick apparently....not worthy of having a child with her in my book..." he remarked with derision. "I'd personally like to find him and give him a piece of my mind..." Roger said with real anger in his voice. I tightened my grip on his arm.

"You and me both Rog...but it wouldn't change the situation..." I reminded him. He nodded agreement and we just looked at each other. Understanding the desire to still beat the shit out of him for hurting her.

"I know..." he said out loud. "But it does cause her a lot of problems..." he remarked. 

"I told her I would say I was the father..." I informed him. Roger formed a look of admiration and he pulled us into the darker part of the corner as I kept speaking. "I also told her to move back home and work for us as our secretary..." I explained. "If she wants to keep the baby it would make things easier for her..." 

"I love you Brian May!" he told me and drew a a heart shape on my back with his finger. I knew it was his way of kissing me in a place where we couldn't have one.

"I love you Roger...and Clare...and we are a family...and we will take care of her..." I stated emphatically. We shared a tender smile and I remembered Clare said to meet back at the table. "We need to get to the table to meet her..." I told him. We both took off for the abandoned table and found her coming that way from the bathrooms. 

"I say we head out..." Clare remarked as we met up. "You've already been recognized a few times and I got my dances in...." she informed us. We agreed and Roger left some money on the table as we walked to the exit. We headed out of the club and went to the parking lot for the car. We were soon on our way to Los Cristianos and our villa. Clare told us about her former boyfriend and the circumstances of them breaking up. She kept her emotions in check and seemed to be handling things better. I kept an eye on the time as Roger drove us back. It was almost midnight when we pulled into the drive. We got out and walked to the entrance.

"I'll get us something for a toast..." Roger said as we went inside. Clare set her clutch bag down and we both stood at the kitchen counter as Roger poured some apple juice in three wine glasses. We each took one as he walked around to join us. I checked my watch and saw we had about 15 seconds. 

"15, 14, 13, 12..." I began counting out loud and they both joined in. When we reached zero we all smiled at each other.

"Happy New Year!" we all said in unison in quiet voices. I leaned over and gave Clare a chaste kiss and so did Roger. He and I then looked intently at each other and shared a brief kiss. I held up my glass and we all looked at each other with warmth.

"To a new year and new beginnings..." I said as I looked at Clare.

"And to new life..." she added. "Probably in July...." I realized she was telling us she was keeping the baby. We clinked glasses and all looked happy.

"July is a good month to be born..." Roger remarked. We all grinned at his reference to our mutual birth month. "If it's born on my birthday...I'm naming it!" he demanded. Clare shot him a look of disdain. 

"Yes Rog...I really want a baby named after a type of car or drumkit!" she said sarcastically. I knew it was time for some sibling piss taking. Roger made a face of mock offence. 

"There is nothing wrong with a son called Ludwig Maserati!" he said teasingly. She slapped his arm and I laughed.

"In your dreams!" she said back curtly. "I'll let Brian name it before you do..." she challenged. Roger shoved her hand away and rolled his eyes.

"Wonderful!" Roger said with complete horror. "Here's a toast to your son Clare...Isaac Harold Newton May!" I slapped his arm now and Clare laughed.

"That is ridiculous!" I responded and made a scoffing sound and then looked smug. "His middle name would be Moonbeam...not Harold..." I informed them. Now it was my turn to be slapped and I enjoyed every moment of their teasing and their joyful banter.

\------------------------------------

Roger's POV

Our holiday was over. The New Year had arrived and so had Clare's decision about her baby. She was keeping it. We decided to talk more about a plan for her to move home and work for us directly. There was time to sort that out and we enjoyed the rest of our time on the island. She was sick again the morning we left. If Mia had figured out what was going on she said nothing. We would tell her after Clare's doctor visit. The children would be told much later when things were settled.

We left the villa and boarded the flight for home. Everyone got settled in the private jet and we took off for London. I decided to catch up on some neglected reading and thumbed through some music magazines. I got to an issue of Rolling Stone and found a note taped to it with Crystal's writing. He indicated this was the review he had mentioned to me a few months back. I thumbed through it and found their article about our shows in Argentina. It was a horrendous review. I read some of the word choices this prat made and my blood boiled.  
\------

'The rhythm section is sloppy and sluggish; May's guitar playing is limited to heavy-metal/hard-rock clichés and patented, though by now boring, harmonic lead breaks; Mercury's singing is lackadaisical and without conviction.'  
\------

I tried to give him some allowances because these words were about the sound check and we had encountered some issues. He was scathing in his remarks and I kept reading as my ire increased.  
\-----

'The musicianship still seems pedestrian, but what the group lacks in ability, it makes up for – at least to the fans' satisfaction – in gimmickry.'  
\-----

I was fit to be tied by the time I finished his crass article. I could ignore his apparent attitude problem about the band in general but he depicted Freddie as a flamboyant buffoon. I tossed the magazine aside and practically growled in disgust.

"Somethin wrong Rog?" Brian asked me as he looked up from a book he was reading. I lifted up the magazine and snarled.

"This magazine makes me sick sometimes!" I complained and Brian smirked at me. "Ugh!" I whined. Brian leaned over to his side and pulled out an airline sickness bag. He handed it to me with a chuckle and an amused look.

"If you're going to vomit over Rolling Stone...you might want this..." he commented. I wanted to vomit all over this periodical's self inflated view of themselves and their warped sense of what rock and roll is really about. I got an idea and grabbed a book from my reading stack. I placed the sickness bag on top of it and found a pen. 

"What are you doing?" Brian asked me as he crossed his legs and looked on keenly. I formed a smug expression as I put pen to puke bag and began writing.

"Just spilling my guts to Rolling Stone..."

A/N - The quotes mentioned above that Roger was reading are pulled from the actual article he read in issue # 345. This is his famous letter to the magazine in response to their scathing review. Written on an airline motion sickness bag. You ca find a copy of it online by searching for Roger Taylor and Rolling Stone. We love angry Roger!


	5. Hot Space...Let's Go - Part 4

12th January 1982

Munich

Roger's POV

"Call me when you get back from the doctor's...if you don't reach me...leave me a message..." I told Brian on the phone. My sister was finally seeing her doctor this afternoon.

"I will...have fun today..." Brian responded. "Love you..."

"Love you too..." I said quietly and hung up the phone. I watched Freddie and Paul Prenter walk through the breakroom and Paul handed Freddie something. I was curious what it was and then I watched as Freddie stopped and flung what apparently was some kind of pill in his mouth and then sip from the can in his hand. I found it interesting as Freddie had not mentioned feeling unwell. 

"Are you coming?" Freddie asked as he turned to look at me. I got up from the chair by the telephone and followed him. I fumbled for my cigarettes as we walked into the control room. Freddie was seated next to Billy and I took the seat by Mack. 

"This is called 'Emotions in Motion'..." Billy explained to us. "Take a listen and see what you think you might do with it..." he asked. I lit my cigarette as Mack began the tape. It was a slower song from the others Billy had played us. I sat and listened and tried not to let everything going on in my personal life distract me. I was here to focus on Billy Squier's new record. Freddie and I had flown out early to go over some tracks with him. Mack was producing his new album and they both asked us to sit in for some possible backing vocals.

Brian had remained at home to go to the doctor with Clare. This would confirm her pregnancy and establish a due date. Once we knew some details we needed to tell Mia and also my mother. Brian wanted to wait to say anything to his parents. He wasn't sure how they would react to Clare being pregnant and single and Brian wanting to be named as the father to protect her publicly. We would decide after that when to tell the kids and make plans for Clare to move back to our place. I shifted in my seat and tried to ignore the fact that my jeans were feeling pretty tight. I had enjoyed the holidays and our trip to Tenerife a bit too much and my waistline was paying the price. Everyone was focused on listening so I casually undid the top button of my jeans and practically sighed in relief.

I liked the song. It wasn't my favorite of his new tracks but I agreed it needed a little something to fill it out. We finished listening and Mack and Freddie both had suggestions. We decided to try a few things and Freddie and I went into the recording booth and donned our headphones. Paul came in with us and sat nearby. He was like a lady in waiting these days and I smirked as I watched him fuss over Freddie's drink he had carried in. We ran through some ideas and recorded our efforts. Billy and Mack discussed a few changes and Freddie and I each had a smoke while they tried a trial mix.

"What are you doing tonight?" Freddie asked me as we waited. I shrugged. It had been awhile since I had been alone in Munich. I had just spent a solid month with Brian and the kids. I was eager for some nightlife.

"I'm up for a night out..." I responded. Freddie grinned and looked over at Paul. They seemed to share an expression of delight hearing this. Freddie leaned closer to me.

"There's a new place you have to see to believe..." he remarked. "Come with us tonight..." he requested. I instinctively knew it was probably a gay establishment. On most days it wasn't my cup of tea since all that happened was me getting hit on constantly. I decided to appease my friend and tolerate it for a night.

"Alright...let's go..." 

\----------------------------

London

Brian's POV

"Don't worry...we'll be just on time..." Clare assured me. We had been unable to find a parking spot and were rushing into the building where her doctor was located. I held the door as she stepped in and we walked briskly to the lift. Clare pressed the button as she began to peel off her coat. "I'm a bit warm from the rush..." she remarked and I took her coat from her so she could cool off. She fanned herself and when the lift door opened we both stepped in. She suddenly made a funny sound and formed a grimace on her face. She clutched at her stomach and blew out her breath. "Bloody morning sickness.." she grumbled and then tried to smile as the lift went up to the 8th floor.

"Have you had a lot of it?" I asked her as we arrived. She nodded. 

"It's been terrible the past few days...I've just stayed at home in bed to be honest..." she said as she stood straight again and the nausea seemed to pass. "I've felt pretty crappy and been tired since we got home from Tenerife..." I hoped she would get past these early symptoms and feel better. We reached her doctor's office and went inside. We went to get her checked in and I arranged for the bills to be sent to my business address. We went to take a seat but the nurse, Patty, appeared and called us back. 

"I understand you're pregnant..." Patty inquired and Clare smiled at her. 

"Yes...I used one of those home tests before the holidays and it was positive...and trust me...I've got the morning sickness to prove it!" she remarked with amusement. Patty grinned at her as we arrived at the exam room.

"Let's get you in here and see what's going on then..." she remarked. She looked at me as we stepped inside.

"Ready for another one Brian?" she questioned. It felt odd to be here with the true circumstances of her pregnancy. I simply smiled back and nodded as I leaned into Clare.

"I love kids...so the more the merrier..." I answered. Patty kept her smile as she got Clare's vitals and they chatted about her symptoms.

"Here is your gown and the doctor will be in soon..." Patty told us before she stepped out of the room. I held my hand up and covered my eyes. Shielding my view of Clare changing into the gown. I didn't want to leave the room as the office believes we are a couple and I needed to keep up the illusion. Clare giggled as she changed.

"Such a gentleman..." she told me.

"I try to be when I can..." after a minute Clare told me I could look. She stepped up to sit on the table while we waited.

"So I have to ask...if you could choose...do you want a boy or a girl?" I asked her. She shrugged.

"I haven't got that far with my thinking..." she replied. "I've experienced raising both so I guess it doesn't matter...they both have their good and bad qualities..." I thought it was a reasonable answer.

"Do you want any more children?" Clare asked me next. I was surprised by her question and considered the idea.

"I wouldn't mind having another..." I replied honestly. "I guess my concern would be that we are gone so much and we do try to make it up to the two we have when we are home...having one more would spread us even thinner...and it would be more work for Mia..." Clare seemed to appreciate what I said. She leaned back on the table.

"I may be moving back in with you but I plan to be the caregiver for my child...I don't expect Mia to have to handle anything..." Clare commented. I felt this wasn't realistic if she was going to work.

"You will be working Clare...and there will be times you might need to accompany us to meetings or even travel...we will figure out what to do down the road..." I suggested. Before she could answer there was a knock and the door opened. It was Dr. Larsen. She stepped in and smiled at us both.

"Hello Clare and hello to you too Brian..." she greeted. I stood up to shake her hand and then she walked over to Clare.

"Hi Dr. Larsen..." Clare answered. 

"So my chart says you're pregnant..." she remarked. She smiled at us both as she laid down her paperwork. "Tell me how you confirmed this..." she asked.

"I took a home test before the holidays and it was positive...and I've had similar symptoms to my previous pregnancy..." Dr. Larsen nodded and listened. "I've missed my period and had morning sickness, my breasts are tender and I've had fatigue and just this past week I've had a bit of cramping and spotting but it has gone away..." 

"Well that sounds like you probably are pregnant..." Dr. Larsen responded. "I want to get some preliminary tests and let's do an exam to just make sure everything looks good..." The door opened and the nurse came in to assist. I kept out of the way as they drew some blood and then Clare stepped into the bathroom next door to provide a urine sample. The doctor then had Clare lay back and began her physical exam. I stepped up to stand by her head to give her some privacy. I took her hand for support. 

"Okay..." Dr. Larsen remarked as she began examining Clare. I focused on Clare's face and noticed her grimace again as the doctor was checking her. "Clare...." the doctor remarked in a voice that instantly had me worried. Dr. Larsen looked up at her with a solemn expression. "Clare...you said you were having some spotting and cramping?" the doctor questioned.

"Yes...but it went away..." she said quickly. I heard some concern in Clare's voice and she clenched my hand. The doctor kept checking her and I saw her face drop a bit. She then looked up at Clare and I knew something was wrong.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news..." Dr. Larsen announced and she glanced my way as she said it. I instantly knew what it was. "I'm afraid your pregnancy hasn't taken..." she informed us. "You've miscarried..."

\------------------------------------- 

Munich

Roger's POV

We arrived at the club that had a massive letter V on the marquee. The car dropped us at the front and Freddie and Paul walked past the roped off line of guests and the doorman instantly raised the rope to allow us in. We were immediately being escorted to a private booth near the far side of the club. The place was vibrating with music and was full of men who were either dressed to the nines or barely had anything on.

"What does the 'V' stand for?" I asked Freddie loudly as I surveyed the dark atmosphere. He grinned at me.

"Vulgar..." he explained. I laughed at the blatant name as we slid into the black leather booth and a fairly young man wearing only a pair of black leather shorts took our drink order. I smirked at the wardrobe choice of the club and noticed Paul watching the waiter walk away from us. Clearly enjoying the view. 

"You said Clare's doctor's appointment is today?" Freddie asked me with interest as he lit a cigarette. "Has she confirmed she's pregnant?"

"She's definitely pregnant and she's pretty sure her due date will be the end of June or first of July..." I told him. Freddie turned to Paul.

"I guess we should let Stickells know this so he can make sure the boys are home for the birth before our American tour..." Freddie told Paul. Paul nodded but eyed me warily as Freddie gave me his attention again.

"Good point Fred..." I remarked. He smiled at me as Paul leaned closer to us both.

"It seems like we've had to make a lot of adjustments to schedules between your kids and Deacon's..." Paul commented. I was somewhat annoyed with his opinion.

"Yes...well...life does get in the way of our best laid plans sometimes..." I reminded him. 

"Why do you need to be there? It's only your niece or nephew after all..." Paul said to press his point. Now I was really irritated and glared at him.

"Biologically they would be my niece or nephew...but I will be a big part of their life and I plan to be there for as many moments as I can...starting with their birth.." I answered in a tone that conveyed my aggravation. Freddie patted my arm.

"Roger has a unique family situation and we need to respect what is important to him and Brian..." Freddie said diplomatically. I smiled at my friend for having my back. Freddie may not have any kids but he understood. Apparently Paul does not. And the look Paul gave me confirmed it. 

The waiter arrived with our drinks and Paul flirted with him as he served us. The man did flirt back so I couldn't be too annoyed. I sipped my cocktail and leaned back to survey the crowd. The dance floor was crowded and they were playing hardcore disco. I was beginning to wonder if I would have a good time tonight. Brian wasn't here and I felt like I would just end up watching these two hit on men all night. I emptied my drink and flagged the waiter as he walked by to get another.

"Would you gentlemen be interested in some private entertainment?" I heard someone ask in English but with a German accent. I looked up to see a man standing there dressed in formal evening wear. It was odd considering the amount of leather in the place.

"Yes...we would..." Freddie answered. It was clear he knew what the entertainment was and formed a Cheshire Cat grin as the man gestured for us to follow him. I grabbed my drink and got up and walked behind him and Paul. We went down the walkway towards the back of the club and were shown into one of several red doors. 

"Do you know what we are seeing?" I asked Freddie as we entered a low lit room. He grabbed my arm and led me over to a row of leather sofas. We got seated as he answered. 

"It's a private viewing show..." he replied and gestured at a velvet curtain on the other side of the room. I was getting ready to ask what we were going to view when the lights in the room went out and some type of black light came on. I leaned back on the sofa and tried to light a cigarette in the almost blue light. Music blared into the room and it was Soft Cell's hit from last year, Tainted Love. The curtain started pulling back to reveal a large platform that seemed like a giant mattress. From behind the mattress I saw people begin to climb up on it. They were only wearing a loose white shift over their bodies. There were six young men and I realized what this was. We were about to witness an orgy. Two of the men immediately began kissing and two others pulled off their shifts as they made out. The black blue light of the room slowing began strobing on us. It created an erotic illusion as you captured snippets of the men as the light flickered around us all. Images of kissing and groping. Of flesh and sex. 

This entire atmosphere and what I was seeing reminded me of that party where Brian and I were drugged. I wondered if these young men had been drugged or were just paid enough to do whatever was asked of them. As I began to feel uncomfortable with the reminder of that night in Miami, I turned to see Freddie taking a line of cocaine from a small tray. He finished and handed it to Paul who proceeded to empty a fresh line on it from a vial in his hand.

"You want some?" Freddie asked as he caught me watching. I was shocked to hear him ask me. He knew what happened the last time I did cocaine. It had caused me nothing but trouble. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Suddenly feeling anxious and wishing I hadn't come tonight. 

"I think I'm going to head out..." I told him and set my drink on the table and started to get up as Freddie grabbed my arm.

"Oh come on Rog!" he said in a whiny voice. "You don't have to do the coke but at least enjoy the show..." he pleaded. I noticed Paul watching me and he rubbed under his nose with his hand and smiled at me.

"It gets even better..." Paul remarked as he leaned towards me. "If you like any of the men, you can have them for yourself later..." he informed me. I had no interest in finding someone for the night and was surprised that he assumed I would be.

"You know what?" I said back. "I'm good! You two enjoy your party..." I announced and stood up and walked to the door. A man was standing guard and I gestured to let me out. He cracked it open and I slipped out into the club. I walked briskly down the aisle towards the exit. Checking my pocket for my smokes and then felt someone grab me.

"Schonling!" a tall broad man said in a German accent as he held me by my waist. "Come dance with me..." he requested. I pulled myself from his grasp and shook my head to make sure he understood.

"Sorry...not interested..." I said as politely as I could muster and made haste for the exit. I was out the door and didn't bother looking for Freddie's limo. The doorman got me a taxi and I took off for the hotel. I found the money and paid the driver when we arrived. It felt good to be in my suite as I locked my door and sighed in relief. Glad to be away from the drugs and sexual temptations. Annoyed that Freddie would think I was actually interested in indulging in all that. I wished I had checked in with Crystal instead. He might be on the prowl for women when we go out but he respects my boundaries. I was annoyed that Freddie did not tonight.

I turned on the room light and instantly noticed the message light on my phone and tossed my coat over a chair as I walked to it. I was certain Brian had called about Clare and felt this news would cheer me up. I sat down and pressed the message button. It took a minute and then I heard Brian's voice.

"Rog...it's me...I've got bad news...Clare had a miscarriage..." I felt my stomach drop hearing this. "I'm at Clare's...call us here when you get in...." Brian sounded so sad and it mirrored the emotion welling up inside me. 

"Fuck!" I shouted and slammed the phone down. I was instantly angry that this happened and that my sister had to endure this. And she was going through this and I wasn't there! I got up from the bed and walked to the kitchen area of the suite and found a bottle of whisky. I prepared myself a double and took a large drink as I walked back to the bed. I kicked off my shoes and sighed as I held on to my glass and hung my head low trying to absorb the news. I had to calm down so I could talk to my sister. I took a few deep breaths and considered having a cigarette but knew I just needed to call. They probably rang me hours ago but I had gone out. I picked up the phone and called the operator to connect me to my sister's phone number. 

As it rang I tried to come up with some words to say to her. Feeling like no words would be enough because I should be there. My only consolation was that Brian was with her.

"Hello..." It was Brian. 

"It's me Bri...I'm so sorry...I went out with Freddie and just got back..." I explained. Feeling guilty. "How is she?" I immediately asked.

"It's okay Rog...she's doing okay...but I know she wants to talk to you...hang on..." I waited and bit my lip to brace myself for her voice. 

"Hi..." Clare said in a subdued tone. Her not sounding like her usual chipper self brought home her situation even more. 

"Oh Bear...I'm so sorry this happened..." I told her and felt myself get a bit teary eyed. "I wish I was there right now...because I give you the biggest hug you ever had..." I was trying to convey the comfort I wanted her to have.

"I know Dodger..." she replied in a more solid voice. "I promise I'm going to be okay...I'm just hurting right now..." she told me. I worried she was in some type of physical pain.

"Are you doing okay physically or is it just emotional?" I asked her. 

"I'm comfortable Rog...don't worry...I'm just sad...you know...I had kind of become used to the idea of having it...and I'll admit I was a bit excited at the idea of my baby being due around the same time Princess Diana is having hers..." I smiled at her notion. She loved Diana and had watched the royal wedding at our house since we had a bigger television. She got dressed up and even had Tiger Lily wearing a plastic tiara and play dress bridal gown. I actually laughed a little at the thought.

"You can always try again Bear...and I'm sure Diana will have more kids..." I said with reassurance.

"You're right...but for now I need to be disappointed and I will feel better in time..." she answered honestly. 

"I understand..." I responded. "Do you have everything you need?" I questioned. "Do you need me to do anything?" I was feeling a bit useless. 

"Brian's been great...I'm all set..." Clare informed me. "He's going to stay here tonight..." I was glad to hear it. I understood that she didn't want to go to our house. Mia and the children didn't know and her being there in an emotional state would draw questions. 

"If you need me to come home..." I began to tell her and she cut me off.

"You don't need to come home...I'll be alright...I promise..." she insisted. "I'm really tired so I'm going to let you go and you can talk to Brian...thanks for calling Rog...I love you..." she said and a tear slid down my face. I ignored it.

"I love you too Bear...take care and if you need anything...please just say the word..." I replied. I waited for Brian to come back on the line. 

"Hey..." he said in a quiet voice and the tears amplified as the shock gave way to reality. 

"Is she really okay?" I asked him in an emotional voice. I wiped at my tears and struggled to keep hold of the phone and my drink. 

"She's cried a bit and she's sad...let's see how she is tomorrow..." he told me. "If I think she might not be doing okay I will insist I stay longer...or that she come to the house..." Brian said. I felt better knowing he planned to monitor her closely. 

"If she wants to get away she could always come to Munich with you..." I suggested. I wondered if a change of scenery might help. I set my glass down and wiped at my face with my shirt sleeve.

"Oh right...because Munich is such a cheerful place in the winter..." Brian said sarcastically. It is cold and grey here during the winter months. He is right about that. "Remember Rog...Mack's wife is pregnant right now so I don't think it would be the best idea..." I had forgot about Ingrid being pregnant and was grateful Brian had remembered. That would have been awkward and painful for Clare.

"God Brian...I forgot about Ingrid!" I responded. "I just meant being somewhere besides London...you know what I mean..." 

"I know...the truth is we both want to fix this but we can't Rog...we just have to let her grieve about this..." he reminded me. He was absolutely right. I was trying to fix it and I can't.

"Yeah...we have to be patient..." I agreed. We both sighed into the phone and I could tell he was feeling the same hurt I was. "Thanks for being with her..." I said sincerely. "If she was alone right now..." I said and then couldn't finish my sentence. I was feeling emotional again.

"Let's both get some sleep and we will talk to you tomorrow...call us when you're free..." Brian suggested.

"Okay...sounds good..." I concurred. "I love you Brian..." I told him. Still wishing I was there.

"I love you too Rog..." he replied. "I'll talk to you tomorrow..." we both hung up and I immediately emptied my whisky glass in one gulp. 

"Fuck!" I shouted and hated being stuck in this hotel room alone while the people that really need me are so far away. I got up from the bed and walked to the kitchen. Ready to refill my glass and try to drown my sorrows.

\------------------------------------------------------

1st April 1982

Canada

Roger's POV

I sat in a chair at the edge of the set waiting. Just like the others. I hate making videos! I tried to think of other things while they checked the lighting. This year had been interesting so far. Clare had been pregnant and now she wasn't. She had done well considering and decided to go ahead and quit her job and work for us. She admitted she found her current work boring and missed being around our world and the kids. She was going to go on part of our tour with us to have some fun and then get settled in on the estate. She was going to live in the servants cottage for now but we considered renovating the larger guest house for her. Jimi's 5th birthday party was a great pick me up from the dismal winter events this year.

We finished our album and planned our tour and I had managed to keep Brian from quitting the band or falling into despair while we did this. I was never so happy to finish a record in my life. He was seated in his own chair and looked utterly put out by today's filming. This song was not our first choice as a single but we have given in to Freddie's insistence it was a great sound for right now and would do well. We were not on board with the heavy sexual content of this video. But it was too late to do anything about it. I knew we would both find consolation in getting out on the road and doing what we do best. Play.

"It's going to be about 20 minutes..." the assistant announced. I rolled my eyes and walked to the dressing room they had assigned me. I went straight for my cigarettes and began to light one when there was a knock. I knew who it was.

"Yeah..." I mumbled and the door opened and Brian came inside and shut the door. We both shared a look of complete dismay as he walked over and slumped down on the sofa in my small room. He had put a robe on over his black clothes for the music video and he glared at me. I knew what he was going to say. "I know what you are going to say...and you're right!" I told him to stave off the coming lecture about the situation we are in today.

"You told me Rog!" he started in anyway as I gave him a disparaging look. "You told me the worst was over!" he barked at me. I was annoyed that he had somehow made this my fault. The ideas for this video weren't mine and we had basically been coerced into it. It was Freddie's song and he got the primary say on the video. 

"I think you should save your ire for Freddie..." I snapped back and took a drag from my cigarette. "I told you the worst was over in regards to recording the album Brian...I never said anything about the promos..." I reminded him. "Freddie wrote the song and he gets the main input on the video...what do you want me to do?" I asked him pointedly. He just glared at me. Angry as ever. "Well?" I questioned again. He shot up from the sofa and began pacing the floor.

"Nothing!" he finally shouted in frustration and went to lean against the wall. I took another drag and wondered if this might be the prime opportunity to have Brian start smoking. He looked like he needed a cigarette. We shared a glance and I could tell this was getting to him. 

"If you want to know the truth...I think the one who came up with this idea wasn't Freddie..." I commented. Brian looked curious about my opinion. "I think it was Paul's idea..." Brian's eyebrows went up and he seemed to consider my thoughts on the matter. "Remember when I told you about that night at the at club?" I said. Brian nodded as he pondered my idea. "This shoot reminds me of that place..." 

"He seems to have ingratiated himself into Freddie's world quite a bit these days..." Brian remarked as we both looked at each other. I could tell he was beginning to agree with my opinion. "I don't know what we can do about this....we've already begun filming..." he told me. There was nothing we could do. Deacy had agreed to the concept and we finally acquiesced after Freddie wore us down. I stubbed out my cigarette and took a drink of a warm coke on my dressing table.

"At least we're hardly in it..." I told him as some kind of consolation. He huffed in response and I walked over to him. Wanting to make this better somehow. "I'm not happy either Bri..remember that!" I said to him. I got closer and he grabbed me by my jacket and pulled me close. I put my arms on his waist and he placed his on my shoulders. Our foreheads met and we stood and tried to find a way to have some solace. Any.

"I'm sorry I was shitty to you..." he finally said. I smiled and pressed a kiss against his mouth.

"I know..." I told him. "Let's just get this over with and then we can go to the hotel and have a nice bath..." I suggested. Brian nodded and found me a small smile.

"After that can we do other things to unwind?" he asked me with a cheeky grin. I was certainly up for anything that would take away some of this stress. I ran my hand up his chest.

"What did you have in mind?" I asked him in an attempt at a sultry voice. There was a knock on my door and I let go of Brian and walked to answer it. I pulled it open just a little so they couldn't see my guest. It was the production assistant. He looked as stressed as we both felt.

"Hey..." I said to him.

"There's a problem with the sound and they had to get some new equipment so it's going to be at least be 45 minutes..." he informed me. I nodded understanding and gave him a smile since he looked so tense.

"Okay...I'm just going to lay down for a while...bit of a headache..." I lied and he nodded to me.

"Alright...I'll knock when we are ready..." he responded. He walked away and I closed my door and locked it. I turned back to my husband and smiled at him. 

"Turns out we're not needed for at least 45 minutes..." I informed him as I began pulling off my jacket. Brian was watching me and started taking off his robe.

"That's too bad..." Brian answered forming a devilish grin. We both watched each other remove our shirts and Brian reached for me as I got closer and grabbed the waist of my trousers and began undoing my belt. 

"So...what can we do while we wait?" I asked him. Brian pulled me in for a slow sensual kiss. We parted and he unzipped my trousers and reached in my briefs for my cock.

"I'm sure we can think of something to pass the time..."


	6. Hot Space...Let's Go - Part 5

27th July 1982

New York City

Roger's POV

"Where is he?" I asked Deacy as we all waited in the limousine for Freddie. 

"I'm not his keeper...that would be Paul's job these days..." he said back with annoyance. His eyes seemed darker. "I am sure we can assume Bill has something to do with it..." he remarked snidely. The three of us shared a look of disdain at the mention of Freddie's boyfriend's name. Bill Reid. Freddie had met him earlier in the year during a trip to New York. In a club. Bill had visited numerous times in Munich and London before our tour began. Since we went on the road he had been a permanent fixture. He had also become a growing concern to us all.

The main issue was the arguments. They seemed pretty regular and had grown in intensity. Heated exchanges that includes shouting and abusive language. And there was the incident at Milton Keynes that raised the alarm for us all. Freddie and Bill had a massive fight before the concert. It had turned physical and at some point Bill had got hold of Freddie's hand and bit down on it. Hard enough to draw real blood. Phoebe had been quite upset and tried to get Freddie to go have it examined. The medic at the show looked at it and got it cleaned up. Seeing the state of his hand was disturbing and he performed with no problems but it left us all feeling dubious about the relationship.

"If he's not here in a few minutes...I'm going in..." I announced. They both seemed to concur with my idea and we waited. I got tired of it quickly and shifted over to get out of the car. I walked into the lobby of his New York apartment building and saw Paul waiting at the concierge desk with Phoebe. Both of them looking anxious. "Where's Freddie?" I asked them. Phoebe looked troubled and I felt bad for him having to be in the middle of Freddie's romantic problems. 

"He's coming..." he tried to assure me. He gestured to the lifts. "He was having a word with Bill before he left..." he explained. I took this as code for them having yet another row and began marching to the elevators to go up and get our lead singer. I was reaching for the button when one of the lifts opened and Freddie came bounding out. He looked frazzled and I shouted at him as he rushed to the exit. 

"Hey!" I shouted and Freddie stopped and turned back towards me. His expression had shifted to one of remorse. 

"I know I am late...sorry..." he told me. I put my arm around him and began walking us towards the exit. I felt I needed to say something.

"I think we need to talk about your love life..." I told him gently as we reached Phoebe and he began walking with us. I saw Paul lingering at the door. Looking anxious. "I'll find you later for a chat..." I said and he nodded as we were hustled out to the limo and took off for our public engagement.

\-----------------------------

The name of the place was apt. Crazy Eddies was just that. We arrived to find a large line of people waiting for our arrival. Our security got out of their car and positioned themselves on either side of the front entrance before we stepped out of the limo to chants and cheering from the eager fans. The store manager shepherded us to a long table in a corner that was adorned with promotional posters and banners for Hot Space. Our representative from Elektra records was there and gave everyone a copy of our press kit. There was a contingent of reporters and photographers and we were seated and questions about the new album and our tour commenced. It was more of the same we had experienced since the start of the tour and I worked hard to not be completely put out by the queries about lagging record sales and the mixed fan and critical reception of the album. Nobody wanted to find anything positive to say or ask about it. 

"Roger....what are your feelings about this new sound for Queen?" a reporter asked me. I tried to answer honestly but keep it lightweight. 

"I mean...I don't like everything we do....I like a lot of what we do...but you have to remember there are four people in the band so there is compromise...so you might get your way with certain songs and then there are songs that come out that you don't really like very much..." I commented. I tried to laugh a bit as I finished my comment. "I mean...I could name a couple..." I began lightheartedly. Freddie cut me off to add his opinion to the question and I leaned back and let him take the heat. I could sense Brian's weariness in defending the album as well and we were both relieved when the press conference ended and photos were quickly taken before the store manager began letting in the fans.

This part was much easier. It was pleasing to see a lot of people had bought the new record for us to sign. We were each handed fat black pens to autograph albums and promo cards for the customers. The line was extensive and I slipped off my jacket as the place was warm with all the bodies inside. It was a balmy summer day and everyone had dressed casual except Brian. He had donned a dress shirt and tie with his jeans but he looked handsome and smart as we smiled and chatted with our American fans and signed our names. My hand got a bit tired as we worked our way through the crowd. I was heartened to see the large turnout but wanted to pace my hand usage since I had to hold on to my sticks tonight for two hours. Luckily we would have several hours before the show to rest. A young woman with long brown hair approached Brian and handed him a copy of A Night At The Opera. He smiled and signed a corner and he slid it my way. 

"I'm a big fan!" she announced as I took the record and scrawled my signature opposite of Brian's. She seemed eager as she shuffled over to see me. "I noticed you didn't come here with any girlfriend..." she commented as I slid her album over to Deacy. I realized she was hitting on me and was curious how she knew I hadn't brought a woman with me on tour.

"Uh..." I replied and tried to think fast. "My girlfriend isn't here today..." I said and saw Brian looking at us as we spoke. 

"Just my luck then..." she said back to me and leaned over and kissed me before I knew what she was doing. I tried to play it off and laughed lightly as I pulled back from her. She winked at me before she moved over to have Deacy sign her record. He quickly scribbled his name and shoved it Freddie's way before he leaned way back to avoid any potential physical contact with the woman. I turned and gave Brian a bewildered look and he laughed as he took the next item to sign. We were nearing the end of the line when a blond woman approached us and didn't have an album or placard for us and Brian looked confused as she smiled at him and then turned around and stuck her bottom out towards him. She turned her head and looked at him. 

"Sign my shorts!" she demanded. Brian was a bit amused and embarrassed as he stood up and leaned over the table to give her what she requested. He hesitated as he tried to figure out how to sign without groping her. A man standing behind her was apparently with her. He laughed and came over and leaned against the table and positioned her so that Brian could sign her ass. One of the press photographers considered it an interesting moment and signaled to Brian as he took a few shots of him autographing her behind. He managed to get his signature done and turned to gesture at me as her boyfriend moved her down to my part of the table. I chuckled and didn't hesitate to brand her ass with my name.

We all finished signing and the woman showed off her autographed bum to some other people as we all shared raised eyebrows at her unusual request. Deacy leaned into me as we got busy signing the remaining autographs. "I guess we're signing asses instead of just kissing it nowadays?" he remarked. We both snickered as another girl came through and after getting our signatures she grabbed Freddie and got him in a heated lip lock. Security came over and helped her along her way and Terry stood guard at the table for the remainder of the signing. Some young kids brought up the end of the line.

They were probably ten years old but were cute as they told us we had funny accents and had us sign one of the few remaining promo placards for them. Brian found them endearing and asked Paul to scrounge up some small t-shirts. He managed to locate some in a box and I enjoyed their wide eyed faces as they were gifted Hot Space shirts as they finished up with Freddie. The signing ended and we stuck around briefly to sign some things for the store employees and pose for some personal pictures. Paul soon had us heading to the limo and we were surprised to find a large mob of people still loitering outside the store as we left. It was uplifting to see the response from the East Coast fans. The limo took off for our hotel and we all enjoyed something to drink as we drove back to rest before our show at Madison Square Garden.

As the limo pulled up I grabbed Brian's arm and leaned closer to him. "I'm going to ride with Freddie to his place and then I'll be back..." I informed him. He knew why I was doing this and simply nodded as he slid out of the limo along with Deacy. The door closed and we took off for 58th Street. 

"I suppose we are going to have that chat you insisted upon..." Freddie remarked with a mixed of annoyance and amusement as he lit a cigarette and avoided looking at me. I lit one myself.

"I'm not going to lecture you Freddie...I just want to know what the appeal is..." I asked him as he finally turned to eye me and we both took a drag from our cigarettes. He seemed to consider his words before answering. 

"He makes me laugh..." Freddie finally blurted out. I actually wanted to laugh hearing this. I could rarely recall seeing him sharing real laughs with this man. Maybe Bill was funnier in private. I highly doubted it.

"Laugh or cry?" I responded as a gut reaction. Freddie's face soured as he heard this. 

"I've never cried Roger...really!" he argued back with annoyance. I wasn't sure how far to take this. I saw this guy as trouble and something told me the fighting would only get worse.

"Not yet..." I said with concern. "He's already drawn blood from you Freddie...what's next?" I questioned. "I have to be honest with you...I have a bad feeling about this guy..." I confessed. Our eyes connected and I could see that Freddie was hearing my concern. I hope he would take it to heart. Do something about it. He turned and took a drag from his cigarette and then looked out the car window again. 

"I'm lonely Roger..." he announced quietly and didn't turn to look at me when he said it. "And Bill said he would go on tour with me..." he added. I knew the last guy Freddie had really been keen on had declined his offer of the jet set life of touring and it had left him pretty down. I was starting to see that Freddie had settled in this relationship. Bill was someone willing to tag along and keep him company. The problem is it came with a price. 

"Wouldn't you rather be alone than with someone that treats you like shit?" I questioned bluntly and put out my cigarette. He turned and looked at me with anger at my choice of words. I wasn't sure if he was mad because I was out of line or mad because I might be right. I reached over and put my hand on his shoulder. "Look Freddie! I love you and so do Brian and Deaks...and we're worried about you being with this creep..." I told him. "We just want you to be happy and we want you to be with someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated..." 

"You're so lucky Rog...and you probably don't even know it..." Freddie responded as his face lost its anger and he seemed a bit sad as he spoke. "You've got Brian and despite you two occasionally having the odd row...you love each other and really take care of each other..." he pointed out. "You've got something special and permanent..." he explained. "And Deacy has the same with Ronnie..." Freddie sighed as he ran his fingers over his chin and caressed his mustache. Looking weary. "I can't seem to find that special someone..." he revealed. "I find it incredibly karmic that I wrote that bloody song and yet it's become my life story..." Freddie complained. "I need somebody to love Rog...and I can't seem to find him..." he said and almost laughed at the irony of his lyrics. I truly felt for him and wished I could do something to fix the problem. I'm no matchmaker and don't even know enough men who could remotely be a candidate as his partner. His eyes actually misted up and I felt like I might cry to see my friend so vulnerable and hurting. "You're all husbands!" he blurted out. "I want to be someone's husband!" he complained and smashed his cigarette in the small ashtray on the door handle. I reached over and put my arm around him and pulled him close. He was stiff at first and then gave in to my offer of comfort. He clung to me and we both were silent as we rode to his flat. "I know I need to dump him...he's bad news..." Freddie whispered to me. "I promise I'll take care of this..." he assured me. I held on to my friend. Hoping he was telling me the truth as well as himself. 

===Brian's POV===

"Push me higher!" Tigs demanded as I pushed her and Jimi on some swings in Central Park. Our security guard, Wally, stood nearby and kept an eye out as we enjoyed the children's playground. It was the perfect afternoon to enjoy the park and I felt like a good parent spending some time with them before our concert. Roger had planned to come but after the incident with Freddie we both knew it was time to say something. I told the kids that Papa had to help Uncle Freddie with something and we would go to the park without him. I leaned over and pushed at Tiger Lily's back to get her going a bit higher. Despite the trees the sun was pretty bright and I wished I had brought some sunglasses. I leaned over to the other side and pushed Jimi again to help him keep his momentum. 

"Hang on tight to the chain..." I told him as I shoved him forward. He made a sound of delight as he went further up and I smiled watching them enjoy the simple pleasure of the swings. 

"That vendor told me there is a news stand down that way where you can get some sunglasses..." Clare told me as she walked up to me. I was glad to hear it. 

"Okay..." I responded. Mia came over to us.

"I got them if you want to walk down there..." she told us. I smiled at her. Grateful for her ever constant help.

"Thanks...we'll be right back..." I replied. "Do you want anything?" I asked her. 

"One of those pretzels and a coke would be grand!" she answered. Clare and I took off down the path together and I held my hand up to shield my eyes until we were under some tree cover. I brought it down as we saw a young man on the pavement selling t-shirts. He had all sorts of touristy designs. I instantly noticed one of John Lennon wearing a New York t-shirt. I smiled when I saw it and walked over to look at it. The young guy selling the stuff looked at me eagerly.

"I just got those in...they're only 5 bucks!" he declared in a marvelous thick New York accent. I picked up the shirt and the quality was good. I checked the size and found it was the right one.

"You want anything?" I asked Clare as she was looking. She saw a Central Park t shirt with a sun on it and grinned. 

"I like this one..." she remarked. She found her size and we also found some shirts we liked for Mia and the kids. I also grabbed a second one of the Lennon shirt for Roger and handed them to the ecstatic vendor. 

"Wow!" he said with delight and totaled the sale. I pulled out my wallet and found a fifty dollar bill. He immediately looked concerned about the bill size. "Ah man! I can't make change for that!" he declared. I smiled at him as I held it out.

"Just keep the change..." I replied. His face lit up and he gasped. He pulled out a large plastic bag and placed the t shirts inside it. He handed it over and then got a funny look on his face as he eyed me.

"Thanks man!" he told me. "Hey...you're British! Hey...you wouldn't happen to be that guy from that band Queen would you?" he questioned with a curious expression on his face. I grinned at him and nodded.

"I am him..." I confirmed. He started laughing and slapped his leg in disbelief. 

"Fuck man!" he shouted as he grinned widely at us both. "I've got tickets to your show at the Garden!" he informed me and stuck his hand out to me. I shook his hand. "I'm Ricky...Your name is Brian...right?" he asked me. 

"Yes...Brian May.." I confirmed. He looked at Clare and smiled at her. 

"You his wife or something?" he asked her. Clare laughed and smiled at him as they shook hands. 

"I'm Clare..." she responded. "I'm his girlfriend..." she clarified and I grinned at her ease at perpetuating our charade.

"You two enjoying the city while you're here?" he asked us. 

"We are..." I answered. "We love New York...always have a great time while we are here..." Ricky smiled at me and then pointed at the Lennon shirt. 

"You know that Lennon lived just two blocks up at that way?" he asked me. He turned and pointed up the path. "If you go up to 72nd street...it's right off the park...The Dakota Building..." he advised. I knew he had lived somewhere around here and didn't realize we were that close.

"Thanks...I didn't know we were that close by..." I replied. I took Clare's hand and we walked off. "Have a good day and see you tonight!" I told Ricky. He smiled and waved to us.

"I'll be there!" he said back. Clare and I both laughed as we kept walking. We soon saw the place the man in the park mentioned. It was a large news stand as well and sat on the pavement off Central Park West. A display of sunglasses hung off the hut and I looked them over until I found a pair I thought would suit me. 

"What do you think?" I asked her. Clare gave me a thumbs up when I tried them on so I decided to get them. She looked over the newspapers and magazines as I took a quick look myself. We both grabbed a few things to read and turned back to head down the path to the playground. We waved to Ricky as we passed and then I remembered at the last minute to stop at a food trolley and got Mia her pretzel and coke.

We were soon back at the hotel and I laid my new reading material on my nightstand before hopping in the shower to get ready for tonight. I got out and found Roger coming into the bathroom. He sighed as he walked to the toilet and began using it.

"Well...I talked to him and he said he would dump him..." he informed me. It was a relief to hear this and I smiled at Roger as he began stripping of his clothes to shower for tonight. 

"That's a relief..." I said and he smiled as he turned on the shower and leaned in for a quick kiss. 

"Let's just hope he actually does it..." Roger informed me as we shared a look of guarded hope as he slipped into the shower and closed the glass door.

25th September 1982

New York City

===Roger's POV===

It was like I had never spoke to him about Bill Reid. The tour continued and Freddie and Bill were still together. And still having rows. The only difference now was that Freddie was trying to keep them hidden. They no longer fought within earshot of others. Or so they thought. Paul casually mentioned a recent argument one day as we all hovered over our lunch and waited on Freddie to arrive so we could do our sound check. Phoebe dropped a hint another day after Freddie had been in a bad mood and yelled at some local crew people over the color of the furniture in our dressing room. Granted it was atrocious but he acted like they personally picked it out to offend him. We finally got him to back off and our physio guy gave him a massage to get him to relax. His mood was being affected by the stress of his relationship. I wondered what would come next. We had some time off after our shows finished in Los Angeles. Brian and Deacy and I remained in L.A. to enjoy our homes while Freddie flew back to New York to use his apartment. All of us flew to New York to see our families fly back of to London since the school term was starting in 10 days. We also were appearing on Saturday Night Live as the musical guest. We decided on the songs to perform at the final run through yesterday and felt like our debut on American television was a great way to end the North American tour.

Brian and I woke that morning and enjoyed a room service breakfast in our suite. I was finishing up my food when the phone rang. 

"Hello..." 

"Roger...it's Paul...I'm calling because we have a problem and I need you both downstairs in 30 minutes..." Before I could ask what was going on he hung up on me. I knew from his tone it was serious. I felt a touch of panic and hung the phone up and looked at Brian. 

"That was Paul!" I told him with concern. "He said there's a problem and we have to be downstairs in 30 minutes..." I explained. Brian instantly looked worried and stood up as he wiped his mouth. 

"He didn't say what was wrong?" he asked as he walked briskly to the closet and pulled out some clothes to wear. I got up and walked to my suitcase and grabbed some socks and underwear. 

"No!" I replied and we both scrambled to get dressed.

\------------------------------

Paul and Deacy were waiting in the lobby along with one of our security guards. We walked out to a waiting limo and pulled out.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked Paul as we took off. The guard was in the front with the driver and Paul had the privacy visor put in place before he would speak. He leaned forward and placed his hands on his legs and looked dour.

"We're going to Freddie's..." he announced. "There was an incident last night and he needs our help..." he informed us. I instantly considered what incident might have taken place. None of them good. My heart hurt.

"What happened Paul?" I demanded as Deacy and Brian and I exchanged grave looks between us.

"The good news is Freddie and Bill are over...." he responded. I felt a whoosh of relief go through me until I considered he was setting up a good news/bad news dynamic. No smile registered on my face.

"What's the bad news?" Deacy asked before I could. Paul sighed heavily and my stomach dropped.

"There's a problem with his voice..."

\-----------------------------------

"I need my microphone adjusted...turn up the volume..." I told the tech. Crystal glared at the man and lifted his hand up; gesturing to keep going on the volume. "Testing...testing..." I said to check how loud it was. Brian nodded to me and it seemed like it was what we wanted. "That's good!" I declared. I needed my backing vocals louder than usual to help cover Freddie's deficiencies tonight. We finished with the adjustments on our equipment and Brian, Deacy, Fred Mandel and I walked to the dressing room backstage at the television studio. We walked in to find Freddie doing another throat treatment. This one was steam.

"We've got the volume adjusted...so I think we're set..." I told him in a positive tone. Wanting to make him feel better about tonight's performance. Freddie nodded understanding as he continued his treatment. Sitting on the couch and leaning over the steam as he breathed in. Deacy walked over and sat down on the couch next to him as Brian grabbed a beer. I smiled as Deacy leaned over and gave Freddie a side hug. Freddie's expression softened as he received comfort. 

"How are you sounding?" Deacy asked him quietly. Freddie cleared his throat and glanced over at me for a minute. I gave him a warm expression. 

"Better...but not great..." he murmured to us. Phoebe came into the dressing room carrying a large cup and walked over and handed it to Freddie.

"This should do the trick!" he told Freddie with confidence and a warm smile. Freddie smiled back at his faithful servant.

"Thank you dear!" he told him as he cleared his voice again and some of the scratchiness returned despite the steam treatment he just had. He grimaced hearing himself and began to slowly sip the concoction Phoebe brought him.

"It will be okay Fred..." Brian assured him. "We've adjusted our mics and we're going to do great!" he declared as Freddie found him a smile. It was forced and he instantly lost it and looked sad and disappointed. He cleared his throat again.

"You will be great and I will be mediocre at best..." he announced. "And it's my own fault..." he added as he looked up at me. The guilt and shame evident in his face. I felt terrible for my friend. I was angry at him for continuing to see Bill after our talk. If he had ended things then he wouldn't be sitting here now with a strained voice from a all night shouting match with Bill. They had fought yet again and probably over something Freddie couldn't even recall at this point. It didn't matter. The damage was done. Freddie would make his American television debut with a hoarse singing voice. His worst nightmare. It was too late to cancel. And he was too embarrassed to explain why anyway. The show head, Lorne Michaels, was aware of our situation and our assurances our performance wouldn't be canceled. Freddie had used his regular phrase with us after we talked about our options. In a scratchy strained timber he announced 'the show must go on.!'

We all got around and began to dress for the show. We remained quiet but resolved as we kept an eye on our friend and tried give him positive vibes. The show began and we were soon heading down the corridor to the stage. 

"It's late night tv...you know half the people are drunk and the other half are sleepy..." I said to give Freddie a sense of his audience. He grinned at my attempt to lighten the tense moment. 

"We're still better than half the crap they probably get to see on here anyway..." Deacy chimed in as we saw Eddie Murphy walking by. He smiled at us as and we smiled back.

"Good luck fellas!" he said and I saluted him as he kept going towards the stage. The music producer was soon approaching as Freddie took a final sip of his throat tonic and we all tried to shake off our anxiety. I turned and shared a knowing look with Brian and Deacy. We had to help carry Freddie tonight. Up our usual game. We all nodded a silent understanding as I patted Freddie on the shoulder and then put my arm around them as we walked to the waiting stage.

\--Two hours later--

We survived somehow and Phoebe and Paul both said we were solid despite Freddie's challenges. Deacy had never been so animated as we performed on live tv. His dancing was elevated to a new level and Brian managed to bop around the stage twice as much as usual. We were soon back in the limo and having a drink after standing on the stage for the show's end with the cast. Waving and smiling and feeling a bit amped up from our efforts. It was time to put this behind us and look forward to the remainder of our tour in Japan. But at this moment, I knew Freddie was still hurting from his fresh break up with Bill. Even though the man was a giant prick, Freddie had viewed it as someone who was around. Someone who gave him affection and attention and kept his bed occupied. I was spoiled and had probably taken for granted that my own bed was happily full at night. With Brian and sometimes with one or two little ones who wanted comfort and care at night. Like Freddie did. I watched him as we all raised our glasses in the back of the limo and ignored our feelings of not having given our best performance tonight. 

"I think I'm going to take a suite at the hotel..." Freddie announced as we rode in light traffic. "I need a different atmosphere tonight..." he remarked. I smiled at him. It was a good idea. I imagined his flat might be a bit of a mess and maybe Bill had not entirely vacated the premises yet. 

"Sounds like a good idea..." I told him. Deacy and Brian both gave him encouraging looks. We arrived at Essex House and Freddie acquired a room as we retired for the night. We were all flying back to London tomorrow to enjoy some time at home before we went to Japan. Brian and I got undressed and went to bed. It was already 1:30 and we were tired from the stress of the day. As Brian got settled in bed I shifted over and laid my head on his chest. Grateful for us being together and for things being good between us. He stroked my hair and then wrapped his arm around me. I felt safe and loved and hoped Freddie would find this same thing someday.

===Freddie's POV===

I had run out of cigarettes and didn't want to go downstairs. It was late and I didn't want to trouble Phoebe or Paul for them. I had certainly put them through enough these past few days. I tightened the belt on my robe and walked over to the bar. Maybe another drink would help me settle down for the night. I thought about calling some friends to chat. It was already morning in London and Mary would be up. As I stared at the phone and poured a drink there was a quiet knock on my door.

'Maybe Phoebe read my mind...' I said out loud as I walked to my door. I checked the through the peep hole to make sure it wasn't an errant fan or worse yet, Bill. I smiled instantly when I saw who it was. I opened the door and leaned against the frame.

"You couldn't sleep either?" I asked him. He grinned at me and shook his head.

"I was worried about you to be honest...I wanted to make sure you were okay..." I was touched by his concern and widened the door for him. Gesturing for him to come inside. He stepped inside and I closed the door. 

"I am doing okay...except for the fact I am out of cigarettes and can't seem to wind down to get some sleep..." I said honestly. He gestured at the door.

'You want me to go down and get you some smokes?" he asked me. I shook my head.

"I think I can survive one night without them..." I replied. "They probably aren't helping my voice right now anyway..." I pointed out. I walked back to the mini bar. "Fancy a night cap?" I asked. He nodded.

"Sure...whatever you're having..." he replied. I poured another vodka and tossed a few cubes in before handing him the glass tumbler. We both stood and took a long drink as we looked at each other. I could really see the auburn in his hair and how much it was starting to curl in front. When we finished I was delighted to find myself yawning. He giggled and smiled at me.

"Looks like you're headed in the right direction.." he remarked and walked over to the bed. He sat down and patted it. "How about you try and get some sleep and I'll stay here until you're out?" he suggested. His desire to help me get some rest and feel better touched me deeply. I sat down my glass and walked to the bed. I pulled off my silk robe and laid it on the nearby chair as he pulled back the covers and I slid under them. He turned to look at me and then reached over and pulled the blanket up my chest. Tucking me in. It felt nice. It was also a reminder of how things should have been with Bill and were not.

"I wish Bill had been as nice as you are to me..." I said with regret. "He had his moments but his temper certainly over-rode any real affection he showed me..." 

"You deserve someone who will treat you as well as you treat them..." he reminded me. He was right. I do treat my boyfriends well and spoil them. I hoped someday I would find the same in a lover. A companion. Someone more like the man sitting here smiling tenderly at me. Caring about my feelings and my well being. A piece of my heart still regretted that things didn't work out between us. I felt that pang again right now as I looked at him. But he belonged to someone else. He belonged to Veronica.

"I need to find someone who is more like you..." I answered. "But the world only graced us with one John Richard Deacon..." I said to compliment him. He smiled demurely and shifted over on the bed. Closer to me.

"Like there is only one of you Freddie Mercury..." he cooed back at me. I smiled at his words and felt special again. Bill had brought me down but sitting here in the lamp light and sharing a tender moment with this man made me feel good again. I reached up and stroked his hand and smiled warmly at him. 

"You always know what to say to restore my faith in myself..." I told him. He laced his fingers with mine and we shared a tender look between us.

"You were the first person to give me real confidence...I'm just returning the favor..." he replied. We sat in silence and just admired each other. Sharing warmth and reverence. I didn't ask for it and he didn't say a word as he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. They still were the soft, sweet lips I remembered so well. When our mouths parted he hovered over me wearing his beautiful smile. I shifted over under the covers to the center of the bed as he stood up and began to unbutton his shirt and jeans. He was soon sliding in next to me and he wrapped his arms around me. His scent and his presence calmed me and I gave him a look of appreciation and love as he kissed me again and then pressed me close to his chest. I closed my eyes and felt like my old self again.


	7. This Is Where We Are Today...People Going Separate Ways - Part 1

26th September 1982

New York to London

Brian's POV

Everyone was tired. Everyone was ready for a break. We were headed home but still had the Japan leg of the tour to finish. The plane was unusually quiet for a bunch of people excited to go home. Yesterday had been so tense with Freddie's romantic problems. At least he dumped Bill. That man was nothing but trouble. Good riddance! I glanced over and saw Freddie picking at his food. I knew he was sad about the breakup. I did feel bad for him. I hoped spending some time back home would do him some good. I know a lot of his bad memories were in the U.S. at the moment. 

"Would you like some more to drink?" the stewardess asked. I smiled and nodded.

"Yes...thanks!" I replied. She took my empty wine glass and headed to her station as I decided I was done eating and wiped my mouth one last time and covered my plate with my napkin. Roger had already finished his meal and was getting his Walkman from his bag. He placed the headphones around his neck and fished out a cassette and stuck it in his player. "What are you listening to?" I asked him as he went to put the headphones on.

"Springsteen...'The River'...he's got a new one coming out in a few weeks..." Roger replied. I smiled as he got his headphones situated. "I'm gonna listen and have a nap...." Roger announced. I nodded understanding and he pressed play and smiled at me as he closed his eyes.

I received a new glass of wine and thanked the stewardess as she took my food tray. Roger tilted his chair back on the plane and pulled his blanket up over his chest. I wanted to give him some peace and quiet so I got up from my seat and grabbed my bag and drink. There was an empty seat near the table Freddie was at and he had finished eating. Deacy had moved over to sit there along with Ratty and Paul. Freddie seemed a bit more cheerful as the Scrabble board game was opened and set up on the table. They had their four players so I thought I was observe and maybe do some reading in between.

"Want to join us?" Freddie asked me. I looked up and saw Deacy shooting him a dirty look. I grinned at the evident display of our bass player not wanting me in the competition. I do win a lot and I know it irked Deacy at times. I smiled with amusement. 

"You go ahead...I'll spare you my wrath this one time..." I said with aplomb. Freddie got my meaning and grinned back as he began counting out his tiles. I opened my bag and found an array of different things to read. I had accumulated quite a bit of magazines and one or two newspapers and needed to clear some of the clutter out of my travel case. I went through it and tossed some items that seemed of little interest. I happened upon a copy of the New York Times I never got to and decided to read through it and then throw it away. After going over the headlines I opened up the first section and scanned the articles. There was nothing grabbing me and I flipped the page and considered just skipping to the Arts section when a certain word caught my attention. A word I didn't often see in print.

'New Homosexual Disorder Worries Health Officials'

This headline had me intrigued and concerned at the same time so I quickly read the article. I felt my stomach churn with the term 'disorder' being used in conjunction with 'homosexual.'  
\------------------------

A serious disorder of the immune system that has been known to doctors for less than a year - a disorder that appears to affect primarily male homosexuals - has now afflicted at least 335 people, of whom it has killed 136, officials of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta said yesterday. Federal health officials are concerned that tens of thousands more homosexual men may be silently affected and therefore vulnerable to potentially grave ailments.

Moreover, this immune-system breakdown, which has been implicated in a rare type of cancer, called Kaposi's sarcoma, and seems to invite in its wake a wide variety of serious infections and other disorders, has developed among some heterosexual women and bisexual and heterosexual men.

At a recent Congressional hearing, Dr. Bruce A. Chabner of the National Cancer Institute said that the growing problem was now ''of concern to all Americans.''

The cause of the disorder is unknown. Researchers call it A.I.D., for acquired immunodeficiency disease, or GRID, for gay-related immunodeficiency. It has been reported in 20 states and seven countries. But the overwhelming majority of cases have been in New York City (158), elsewhere in New York State (10), New Jersey (14) and California (71).  
\---------------------------

I couldn't believe what I was reading. I had to read over it again to really absorb it. The last paragraph caught my eye. It had been reported in 20 states and seven countries. Was England one of them? Why was this happening to homosexuals? It also mentioned it happening to bisexual men. And though it mentioned female heterosexuals, the article emphasized this being predominantly a problem with gay men. I glanced up at Freddie as he smiled and sipped his drink. Had he heard of this? I knew Roger had not as he would have mentioned it to me. Worry filled my head but I knew getting upset about this was premature. There wasn't a great deal of information in the article. The total number of cases weren't dramatically high. I carefully tore it from the newspaper and tucked it inside my writing notebook. I then proceeded to go through every other piece of news I had in my possession to see if it was mentioned anywhere else. I found nothing. I sighed and wondered how I could find out more.

"That's 27 points!" Deacy declared as he counted his tiles laid on the board. He was grinning with satisfaction as Freddie recorded his score. 

"What's the word?" I asked. Curious how he got so many points. Deacy looked over at me still wearing that smug grin.

"Ominous..." Hearing this was his word was not comforting as I signaled for the stewardess. I think a need a stiff drink.

A few more games of Scrabble took place and I eventually got dealt in when Ratty bowed out to take a nap. Roger woke up and was soon lingering at my side to check my progress in the game. Paul opted out on the next round and Roger took his place. We got our new set of tiles and began playing as talk of plans for the coming year became the topic of discussion.

"I've got some things I want to do at home..." Deacy remarked as he waited for Freddie to take his turn. "Ronnie and I want to take a trip somewhere alone...it's been a while since we had some time to ourselves..." Freddie laid down his tiles and spelled out the word - TOKEN.

"That's 9 points..." Freddie announced as he finished counting his score. "I want to propose that we all take some real time off this coming year..." he suggested as he wrote down his points. 

"What kind of time?" I asked him. He looked up at me with a serious expression. 

"I was thinking at least 6 months..." he answered. I was surprised to hear this. I wondered what Freddie would do in all that time. He always seemed to get antsy after a few weeks. 

"Won't you get restless?" I questioned. He then glanced over at Roger and I noticed them sharing a look between them. I wondered if they had already discussed this.

"To be completely honest...I think I want to play around with the idea of doing some solo material...." he confessed. "I've already booked a studio and want to try some things out..." Deacy and I both looked surprised but Roger didn't. I was pretty certain Freddie had confided his intentions to my husband already.

"I think I'm going to do another solo project as well..." Roger then announced. While this was news to me I wasn't really surprised. After all of the strife with our last Queen album I knew Roger was biting at the bit to record more of his own material. He had mentioned doing more after his first album was released. It stung a bit for him to inform me now. In front of the others without letting me know first. I tried to hide my hurt and just nodded understanding at them both.

"What are you going to do?" Deacy asked me with interest. I shrugged. I knew I wanted some real time with the kids. I had hoped it would include Roger but he had his plans made. He had returned his focus to his letter tiles instead of looking at me. I hoped it was a touch of guilt.

"I guess I'll figure that out when the time comes..." I replied stiffly. Deacy looked over at Roger and seemed to understand that I was in the dark about his new solo plans. Roger suddenly reached over and laid down his tiles. Spelling the word - CYST.

"That's 18 with the double word score..." Roger told Freddie. As his score was recorded I decided to let go of my annoyance and focus on the game. We could discuss this at home. I looked over my own tiles since it was now my turn. I looked at the board for some existing letters and found something I could play. It felt suitable for this moment and I was thrilled to find the bonus points with the spaces I used. 

"Cross - that's 14 with the double word score..." I announced. Deacy grinned at me. 

"Cross eh?" he repeated back sounding like he was asking me a question. I grinned back.

"Yes...cross..." I said back to confirm my mood and avoided looking at Roger. 

\-----------------------------------

We arrived in London and were soon in a hired car heading home. I didn't want to discuss my annoyance with Roger in front of a stranger. We stuck to conversation about the events in London as we chatted with the driver about what he had missed while gone. When we got to the house the driver helped us carry our bags into the foyer. It was late morning. Tigs was at school and Mia and Jimi weren't around so as soon as the driver left Roger confronted me.

"I know you're mad at me..." he announced as we carried some cases up the stairs. 

"I was put out that you decided to inform the entire band about your plans without telling me first..." I admitted. Roger sighed and went into his bedroom to leave his bag. I went to my own fake bedroom and gasped in surprise when I found one of the cleaning women changing the sheets.

"Oh sorry!" she said as she smiled at me. "Mia said you were coming back today and I was putting fresh sheets on your bed..." she informed me. I smiled at her and set down my suitcase.

"Of course...yes...thanks..." I replied. We shared a warm expression between us as I walked from the room. I was relieved we hadn't had started any argument with witnesses in the house. We were confident they probably knew about our real sleeping arrangement and relationship but actually giving them tangible evidence wasn't desirable. I heard a vacuum cleaner and realized we had arrived home when the cleaning crew was here. Roger came out of his room and we both started down the stairs. I saw another woman dusting the hallway walls and realized any conversation we had in the house would be overheard right now. I gestured at him to follow me and went to the rear entrance of the house and out into the back garden. We both still had our jackets on so we took off for a walk. I wanted to stretch my legs anyway after our long flight. 

"The colors sure are nice..." Roger remarked as we strolled the grounds together. "We never got to see much of the Autumn colors in America..." I nodded agreement. We spent most of our time in cities and traveling so we did miss this. Before I could say anything he resumed our previous conversation. "Bri...it's not like you didn't know..." Roger told me. "I've mentioned to you more than once I wanted to have another go at a solo album..." he wasn't wrong. But I was still annoyed. 

"I just wished you would have said it was something you had on the horizon right now..." I replied. He looked at me and seemed calm but determined. Then he stopped walking and I followed suit.

"I really want to do this....and I think us spending time apart is good for us..." he stated. "I think we both saw that when we did separate things last year..." I understood what he was saying but he had failed to state clearly what had actually happened last year.

"You mean you went and did separate things and I stayed with the kids...." I reminded him. 

"But you could work on a solo project of your own...you don't just have to sit at home with them the entire time...." he suggested. 

"I don't mind spending time with the kids..." I informed him. "And I don't know what I would do as a solo project..." I explained. "No offense....but most of my songs get accepted by the band so I don't have a stockpile to work from..." Roger gave me a shitty look in reaction to my comment.

"I'm sure you're brilliant enough to come up with some fresh material to work on..." he chimed back sharply. I didn't want to have a fight. I sighed and tried to remain calm.

"I'll see what happens in the next few months..." I told him in a neutral tone. He softened up hearing this and actually found a small smile for me. 

"Trust me....when you work on something without the others and you get to make all the decisions...you might find you like it..." Roger commented as he resumed walking. I started walking too and decided maybe he was right. There might be something to running your own show.

\---------------------------------

30th September 1982

Roger parked the car at Fairhope and I turned and smiled at the children before we got out of the car. "You ready?" I asked them both. Tiger Lily looked like her usual confident self. Jimi seemed a bit anxious. Uncertain. I could relate. It was Jimi's first day of school and I remembered feeling of mix of excitement and anxiety. Full of expectations and fearful of the unknown. 

"I get a new teacher this term..." Tigs announced with a smile..." she replied. She turned to Jimi. "It's your first year so you have Miss Page..." she told her brother. I smiled at Jimi.

"Miss Page is really nice...you'll like her..." I said with a reassuring look. 

"She is Jimi...she's a really good teacher..." Roger concurred as he opened his door and got out of his Mercedes. We all stepped out and made sure they had their things before we walked to the school entrance. Roger escorted Tiger Lily and I took Jimi's hand and we went inside. There was a table set up for each year and I waved to Tiger Lily as she bounced over to her area. It was hard to believe she was already in Year 4. Roger stopped and crouched down in front of Jimi and smiled at him as he straightened his jumper.

"Have fun today little man...I can't wait to hear about your first day..." Roger told him sweetly. 

"Okay..." Jimi replied with a nervous grin. Roger gave Jimi a quick kiss on the top of his head as he stood up. I shared a warm smile with Roger as he followed Tiger Lily to her area. I squeezed Jimi's hand and pulled him in the direction of his year's table. 

"Let's go find out where you belong..." I suggested and we went up to the Year 1 table. I instantly recognized Miss Page and also saw Miss Adams, the headmistress, talking to her. They saw us and stopped their conversation and looked at us both.

"Mr. May!" Miss Adams remarked with a broad smile. "Or should I say both Mr. Mays!" she corrected herself and we all grinned at her remark. Miss Page found a name badge for Jimi and handed it to him. 

"Hello Jimi!" Miss Page said and she bent down in front of him. "I've got some lovely badges for everyone in class today so we can all learn each others names and get acquainted..." she informed him. She helped him pin his badge on his jumper and patted his head as she stood back up. "I hope you are doing well Mr. May..." she said to me in a friendly tone.

"I'm good...thanks...I want you to know that Tiger Lily has said nothing but good things about you to Jimi..." I informed her. Jimi looked a bit bashful as Miss Page and I spoke. He leaned into my leg and I knew his shyness might be a problem today. "I just want to let you know that Jimi can be a bit shy when he first meets others and today might be a bit overwhelming for him..." I explained in a quiet voice. She instantly nodded and patted my arm to reassure me. 

"I'm sure we will find a way to make Jimi comfortable as he meets his new classmates..." she said with assurance and gave Jimi her attention. "There will probably be quite a few shy ones in class today..." she told him sweetly. "So don't you worry about meeting the others...we can take our time warming up to each other..." she said to him with confidence. He seemed to like what he heard and looked up at me seeming relieved. I bent down and smiled at him as I noticed his hair was a bit unruly. It was straight like Clare's but it was thick like mine and he had a wild cowlick in front. I knew better than to try and flatten it but wondered if he needed a haircut. I would ask Roger what he thought later as I gave one attempt to reign it in. I was unsuccessful. 

"I think it's time for you to head to your new class...." I announced as I felt pride in seeing him finally start school. "Do you want me to walk you there or are you okay with Miss Page?" I asked him. He looked over at Miss Page and then back at me. He nodded slightly before he spoke.

"I can go with her..." he replied. It was a good sign that he was willing to be led there by her. I hugged him quickly and kissed his forehead. Feeling a bit emotional as I stood back up. He had grown up so quickly.

"Have a marvelous day and I will be here to get you when your day ends..." I said as I tried to keep my voice steady. He smiled and nodded understanding. Tears seemed they were a real threat as he slipped away from me and took Miss Page's hand. 

"We will see you this afternoon..." Miss Page advised me and I waved as Jimi waved back and she began walking him down the hall to her classroom. I felt a lump in my throat as I turned to go find Roger. Needing my husband and possibly needing a hug.

\---Later that night---

"I want some popcorn..." Clare requested as we headed into the cinema. I could smell the popcorn in the lobby and wanted some as well.

"Me too..." I said and we shared a smile. Roger and Mia were walking ahead of us and got in line first. After picking the kids up from school this afternoon and hearing about their first day, my parents had come over for dinner and to sit with them while we went to a movie. Roger wanted to see a film that just opened called Poltergeist. We just managed to arrive in time and lucked out with there not being a long line for concession. Roger and Mia gave their orders and I got two cokes and a large popcorn for Clare and myself. We skipped having any security with us and hoped not to run in to too many fans. To avoid any problems, we paired up with Clare and Mia to give the appearance of a double date. 

"I got some Smarties..." Roger informed me as we found some seats. We sat in the middle with the girls on either side of us. I sipped my coke and tossed some popcorn in my mouth. It was still warm and tasted so good. Clare reached into our shared popcorn and had a small amount in her hand. She gestured to Roger and he opened his mouth as she leaned across me and tossed some towards his mouth. He managed to catch most of it and Mia laughed at their sibling shenanigans. 

"I can't take you two anywhere..." I remarked with amusement. 

"We always loved going to movies together..." Clare told me as she leaned back into her seat and then gestured to toss me some popcorn as well. I opened my mouth but her first attempt missed as it bounced off my chin. I closed my mouth and shook my head. 

"Let's not waste anymore...it's too good..." The theater filled up fast and the lights dimmed. We got settled in to watch. It turned out to be pretty scary and Clare grabbed my hand at one point in the film. The plot was original and thrilling. All of us actually jumped in surprise a few times. I have to admit the little blond girl getting taken by the malevolent spirit got to me a little as she reminded me of Tiger Lily. I also felt ill seeing the piece of raw red meat erupt with maggots. When the movie ended we were all talking about the things that had grossed us out or frightened us. As we reached the lobby I immediately spied a group of young people eyeing us. I nudged Roger.

"Fans up ahead..." I warned. Roger nodded he heard me and we both grabbed the hands of our supposed dates as we walked out. Two of the guys from the group approached us.

"You're from Queen...right?" the taller one of the two questioned. I smiled and nodded.

"Yes...." I confirmed. I figured he would be excited and they would ask for autographs. I was surprised when his face formed a look of disgust. 

"Your last record sucked!" he declared. "Are you rock and roll or as you just making poofter music these days?" he questioned. I felt my stomach knot at his criticism and tried to think of what to say to answer his concern. 

"Hey....we tried something different...and it didn't work for everybody..." Roger responded diplomatically. I thought it was a fair come back. Both of the men remained unimpressed. Clare squeezed my hand tightly. Feeling the unease of the situation.

"Yeah....well....make sure your next album actually sounds like a fucking Queen record..." he retorted and they stormed off towards their friends. Roger and I looked at each other with disbelief and then he shrugged and we headed out of the lobby. As we got out of earshot Roger leaned closer to me and whispered. 

"I found his choice of words ironic..." Roger commented. "I guess the fact that we are actually called Queen went over that pricks head!" I grinned at him with amusement. 

"Fucking Queen at that..." I added and winked at him. He chuckled as we headed for the car.

\-------------------------

16th October 1982

En Route To Tokyo

Brian's POV

We were headed for the final leg of our Hot Space tour and we were all more than ready for it to be over with. Some of us were already thinking about Christmas and New Years and seeing our families. Others were thinking about that next project in the works. Roger and Freddie were preparing to do some recording and work on their own songs so of course Paul and Crystal were planning to go with them. I still hadn't made any plans and knew if I was to tinker with any solo work I probably needed to figure out what I had to work with. Roger already had his writing notebook open and was pouring over his unused material as we sat on the place to Japan. I could see the focus in his face and knew any thought I had that he might change his mind was fruitless. He was seated next to me in first class and had on a new track suit and his hair was freshly cut and colored. He looked so handsome and sexy and I had to smile as I knew the Japanese girls will eat him up.

I glanced over and found Freddie deep in conversation with Phoebe and Paul about something. Deacy was asleep next to Ratty. All of first class was filled with us and our road crew. Since everyone was occupied with something, I figured it was time to look at what I had lingering in my own writing notebook. It hadn't seen the light of day for weeks. I pulled it from my carry on bag and set it on my table. Roger glanced over at me wearing a curious expression.

"You going to take a look at what you've got?" he asked me as he looked over at my notebook.

"I guess..." I replied and went to open the book and something slipped out. I reached down and immediately remembered the newspaper clipping from a prior plane trip as I grabbed it. I laid it on top of my book and scanned over the article again. Roger was still looking and I could see him eyeing it as well. 

"What's that?" he questioned as I handed him the article. 

"It was something I read when we were in North America...I think it was from the New York Times..." I explained. I let him read it and remained silent. He finished and looked at me with concern.

"Shit!" he remarked as he handed the clipping back to me. "That is a bit disconcerting..." he told me as I looked it over again. "It is remarkable that they all have this same immune disorder..." he said out loud as he thought about what he read. "Have you seen any other articles about it?" he asked me. I shook my head. 

"No..to be honest I forgot about it until just now...but I haven't seen anything in the papers I've read..." I answered. "It mentioned they've seen this in other countries besides the states...do you think it's in the UK?" I questioned. Roger shrugged and then reached over and grabbed the article from me as he gestured for me to stand up.

"I don't know...but I am keen to know if Freddie has heard about this..." he told me. I got up as well and left my notebook in my chair as we both went over to his seat. He saw us coming and stopped his conversation.

"What's up with you two?" he asked with a pleasant smile. Roger handed him the article and we both stood and watched as he looked it over. His face expressed curiosity and then dropped a bit as he finished reading. Paul also took a look at it since he was seated next to him. His face was solemn. "Where did you get this from?" Freddie immediately asked us. 

"I read it in the New York Times about six weeks ago...I kept it and forgot I had it..." I explained. Freddie looked at Paul with alarm.

"Have you heard about this?" Freddie asked him. Paul looked up at Roger and myself and then back at Freddie. To me it was evident he had heard something about it.

"I have actually..." Paul replied. Freddie's eyebrows raised and he pointed his finger at the newspaper clipping as he spoke.

"You have?" Freddie replied with surprise. "Why haven't you said anything to me about it?" he questioned with marked annoyance. Paul tried to appear uncertain and shrugged.

"I don't know...I guess because there isn't much to tell...." he replied. "I saw that article when we were in the states and I've only heard of it in passing back home in London..." he told Freddie. 

"How did you hear of it in London?" Freddie questioned with growing concern. Paul looked like he didn't want to say and then sighed. It filled me with a sense of increased alarm.

"They think that is what Terry died from..." Paul told Freddie in a quiet voice. Freddie looked quite taken aback by the news. I wondered who this Terry person was. 

"Whose Terry?" I asked them. Freddie looked at Paul for a moment and seemed to convey his disappointment at not being told. He then turned his attention to me and Roger.

"Terry....Terence Higgins..." Freddie informed us. "He was a deejay at Heaven...that nightclub we go to in London..." he explained. "He died in July..." Freddie said and look subdued as he spoke. "I was out of town when it happened...and I only heard that they were waiting for cause of death..." he paused and looked over at Paul again. "I assumed it might have been drugs or something like that..." he remarked in a quiet voice. 

"Do you know anything else about it? Do they know what is causing people to get it?" Roger questioned to Paul. Paul shook his head. 

"No...there isn't a lot of information out there....and it's rare...so I wouldn't get too alarmed about it..." Paul responded. "It sounds to me like it's nothing to worry over...." he commented casually.

"If you hear anything else about it...let us know..." Roger informed him and then looked over at Freddie. "You too..." he requested. Freddie nodded as he reached down to pull his cigarettes from his bag. 

"Of course dear...and you do the same..." he replied as he lit a cigarette. Roger and I both nodded agreement and Roger reached down and took the article from Freddie's lap and we returned to our seats. When we were seated Roger handed the article back to me and we both shared a concerned look between us.

"The article said the cancer was rare...." I restated to Roger. "But it also said they are concerned that tens of thousands could be affected..." I reminded him. He nodded and reached over and took my hand. 

"That is speculation Bri..." he told me in a calm voice. "It is a new thing and they are just trying to figure out it..." he told me as he gave me a reassuring look. "Don't get too worked up about it until there is reason to be..." he requested. He was right and what he said made sense. I nodded agreement and smiled at him.

"I'll try...." I responded and hoped I could keep my promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The article referenced in this chapter is an actual newspaper article from the New York Times. It was dated May 11, 1982. The complete article is found in the link below.
> 
> https://www.nytimes.com/1982/05/11/science/new-homosexual-disorder-worries-health-officials.html


	8. This Is Where We Are Today...People Going Separate Ways - Part 2

28th October 1982

Train from Nagoya to Sapporo - Japan

Roger's POV

"At least they love us!" I commented with a broad smile as we were hustled into the train station in Nagoya. The crowd of fans was immense and security kept a tight circle around us. The four of us were in the middle and we were surrounded by Paul, Ratty, Gerry and our own body guards. A row of Japanese policemen was shepherding us towards the platform area. We had to go down some stairs and I felt a bit nervous as we reached the steps. At the last minute we were turned towards an elevator and shoved inside. Everyone was laughing but feeling a bit relieved we had skipped trying to navigate the stairs with the throngs of people pushing from behind us. Paul was in front as we burst out of the elevator onto the platform. The police were there and holding back a swarm of excited fans that were just a few feet away. When they saw us the screaming began and we moved quickly. Freddie moved quickly towards the trains and I followed as Brian came up behind me. Deacy brought up the rear and we went with urgency to get aboard the train before the security line broke and we were mobbed.

We were soon on the train and walking down to our reserved car as the sound of the fans got quieter and we all worked to catch our breath. Our Japanese host gestured to some seats as we entered our section. I flopped down and sighed as I observed everyone else get settled. The train began to move and I glanced over to see the blur of faces on the platform as we headed out. This was a high speed train so we would get to Sapporo in no time at all.

Brian and I were being careful during this trip. We are so popular in Japan and the press is around constantly. We already talked about sitting apart during any public outing. So Brian sat a couple of rows away from me with my sister. Clare was already on the train since she was escorted by one of our hosts separate from our group. Brian and I both shared a quick grin as I leaned forward to take off my coat. I pulled it off and laid it over the empty seat next to me. 

"Can I bum a light?" Paul asked me as he held out a cigarette. "I've broken my lighter..." he remarked. I nodded and pulled my cigarettes and lighter from my coat pocket. I lit his cigarette for him and then helped myself to one as well. Paul leaned against the row of seats and looked down at me as we both took a drag. "When are you heading for Montreux to record?" Paul asked me. 

"Right after New Years..." I replied. "Are you going with Freddie for the holidays or back home?" I said to be friendly. Paul smiled at me.

"I'll see my family at Christmas and fly back for New Years..." he answered. 

"You got any nieces and nephews to buy presents for?" I questioned. Actually curious if he was an Uncle. Paul smiled and nodded.

"I do have a niece..." he answered. We shared a pleasant expression and wondered if he was an Uncle, why wasn't he keen on kids being around. 

"Why don't you ever bring her around...we've had the odd family picnic...." I questioned. 

"She lives in Dublin...it's not convenient...and what we do for a living is no place for a child..." he said with a touch of judgement. I understood that to a degree but it was my choice to have my children with me on the road sometimes. I need to see them and they need to see me. It wasn't like they were attending the parties.

"I would certainly never bring my kids to one of our parties...but we find a balance on the road when they're with us..." I remarked as a kind of defense mechanism. Paul simply smiled and inhaled. Letting out his smoke as he glanced over at Freddie.

"It's a good thing you left the kids at home on this tour...those fans would probably kidnap your little Jimi..." he said in a teasing manner. I laughed lightly but still found him quite odd as he lifted himself away from the top of the seats and began walking towards Freddie. They were both quickly engaged in conversation as Paul slid into a seat next to his. I just sighed and felt like Paul was something of an enigma.

\-----------------------------------

29th October 1982

Sapporo Japan

Even though my shirt was soaked in beer I didn't care! I was bloody well going to beat everybody here tonight. I swallowed as fast as I could manage and emptied my beer. I wiped at my mouth and gasped a bit as I tried to avoid taking in too much air as the liquid hit my stomach. I watched Freddie finish his last bit and we both laughed at each other.

"You little shit!" Freddie chided as he set his beer mug on the table and leaned against the edge; breathing heavily. He wiped at his mouth as I walked over and patted his shoulder with my hand.

"Tough luck there Fred!" I replied in a smug tone and he shoved my hand away in jest as Brian and Deacy picked up their beers. The crew began cheering them on like they did us and we stood and watched them try to finish their beer before the other.

"Ikki! Ikki!" we all shouted. It was a word we were taught by our Japanese host. The equivalent of 'chug.' Despite his best efforts my dear husband fell prey to our bass player's superior handle on alcohol. Brian stumbled in his clogs with increasing drunkenness as Gerry Stickells reached out to catch him. Deacy was snorting with laughter watching him and then had a moment of not so sure footedness himself. Ratty and Paul were up next and both quickly emptied their beers but Paul was the victor.

Luck of the Irish!" Ratty grumbled as he returned to his chair at a nearby table and was consoled by one of the female guests. Gerry took a turn with Crystal who easily outdrank our road manager. Jobby and Clare were up next. She had decided to participate even though she isn't a heavy drinker. Everyone cheered extra hard for her, but despite Jobby going slow he was finished long before my sister could empty her giant mug. She was laughing and shaking her head as I walked up to her and gave her a supportive hug.

"You did great Bear!" I said to her and she looked at me with amusement.

"You are so drunk Dodger!" she remarked back. I think she is right. I did slur my words a bit.

"Rog and Deacy! Get up there!" Freddie barked his order. We both went to the center as we were handed fresh mugs of the heavy Japanese beer. Deacy was eyeing me as I did him and I held my beer close to my face as someone shouted to start.

"Ikki! Ikki!" the crowd shouted as I tilted my mug back and gave every effort to empty it before Deacy could. Some of it spilled onto my face but I ignored the irritating splash near my eye and the moment I was done I held my mug up in the air and shouted.

"Fuck yeah!" I bragged. Deacy finished right after me and wiped his face with his hand. I used my already soaked shirt sleeve and wiped at some foam on my upper lip. Deacy came over and patted my arm.

"You are going to be so sick tomorrow...and I will enjoy every moment of it!" Deacy declared. I laughed him off and took a few steps towards a table to hold me up as Paul and Crystal had their round. Crystal was practically falling over as he tried to hang on to his mug and empty it down his throat. Amazingly Paul stood firm on his feet and drained his drink with time to spare.

"It's Roger and Jobby and the winner drinks with Paul!" Freddie announced. Jobby shook his head and looked a bit queasy.

"I'm out!" Jobby groaned back. Freddie turned to face me and gestured for me to return to the middle of our section. I swayed a bit as I stood by Paul. He simply grinned confidently at me as Gerry handed me a fresh beer.

"You can barely stand up Taylor...." Paul remarked in an arrogant manner. I leered at him and grinned even though my body felt a bit shaky. 

"Just fucking drink already!" I retorted snidely. Paul held his drink in an apparently steady hand and looked at me with confidence. I had a bad feeling I was going to lose as Freddie shouted to go. I twisted my wrist and opened my mouth and felt a whooshing sensation from moving my head too quickly. The beer coming out of my mug missed my mouth and spilled onto my neck and shirt. Fuck! I took a step to steady myself and then had to take another to steady that previous step. The mug seemed really heavy and slipped from my hand as I stumbled forward. Spilling beer on me and the floor. Paul was working on his mug and seemed almost finished. And I guess I was quite finished. My knees went out on me and I fell forward. Gerry caught me as I headed down and righted me.

"Easy there!" he cautioned as Brian came over and helped me remain standing. He was laughing and wore a broad smile.

"Christ Rog! You are wasted!" he exclaimed. I huffed out a laugh of agreement and nodded as I let him wrap his arm around me. Paul finished his drink and held the mug up in triumph as everyone cheered his victory. I kind of hated him and envied him at the same time. Shit! Those Irish fuckers sure can hold their drink! Paul walked towards me and smiled.

"You better get some water in you Roger..." he warned me and I smiled back and stuck my hand out. He had won fairly and I was going to be a man about it. We shook hands.

"Congrats!" I told him. He nodded confirmation of my sentiment and then began to walk back over to his seat by Freddie. I noticed he was a bit unsteady now. Brian was still holding me up as Paul went to sit down in the chair and proceeded to slide off it onto the floor. I guess that last beer finally hit him and he was legless. I guffawed at the sight of him being rescued from under the table by a drunken coterie of friends. They were pretty useless and we laughed as some of the wait staff at the Beer Garden came to help.

\----------------------------------- 

I was still laughing as we were shepherded into the hotel by our contingent of Japanese hosts. I am sure we were being entirely too loud as they loaded us into some lifts and took us upstairs to our suites. Brian and Clare were in the same lift as me and one of the hosts and Jobby filled out our group.

"It's a good thing we don't have a gig tomorrow..." Jobby commented as we slowly ascended. He still appeared a bit green around the gills. The lift stopped and the host stepped out and held the door open. Clare and Brian both got their arms around me to spot me as we began the journey to our suite. Jobby's room was the other direction and we said goodnight as we arrived at our door. The host got it opened for us and the three of us stumbled inside. The other lifts had arrived and the floor was noisy as everyone went to their rooms. 

Our host left us there as he closed our door behind him. Brian kept his hold on me as we headed for our bedroom. Clare followed behind us.

"My poor Roggie is going to be a mess tomorrow..." Brian cooed to me as we went straight for the bathroom. He sat me on the toilet lid as Clare got me some water and a headache tablet. 

"Yeah...but I did great tonight..." I slurred out to them both. Clare smiled at me as she handed me the pill. I did my best to drink some water and took the pill as Clare and Brian took my jacket and shirt off. My shoes and socks were discarded before I stood up. Clare gave me a hug and kissed my forehead.

"Good night brother..." she remarked to me. I nodded and sighed as drowsiness was setting in. Clare disappeared as Brian walked me to our bed. I plopped down and laid back as he peeled my trousers off me. I closed my eyes and I was out.

The next day

As hangovers went it was a solid 7 out of 10. The water and the headache pill helped. I woke up and was able to get myself out of bed and to the toilet. My mouth was awful so I brushed my teeth and gargled some mouthwash. It improved my demeanor. Brian woke up as I returned to bed and he used the toilet as I got a fresh bottle of water and took a big drink. Feeling better already. I did lay back down. I had slept quite a bit of it off but some more rest would help. We weren't traveling until tomorrow and had a free day. I got comfortable and Brian came back. He was drinking some water as well and made a sound of satisfaction as he set the bottle down and slid back in by me. He turned the tv on using the remote and I shifted over to lay my head against his side. Wanting his comfort right now. He turned the volume down for my benefit.

"Feeling better?" he asked me quietly as he switched the tv channels to find something to watch. I nodded as I nuzzled into him a bit more. He turned and kissed my forehead and resumed his tv quest. "Think you might want to eat something?" he asked me. I did like to eat a big breakfast at times after a night of heavy drinking. It seemed to settle my stomach and absorb any remaining alcohol. I really liked the idea of a cigarette right now. 

"I think I'll have a ciggie first and see if Clare wants some food..." I answered. Brian stayed in bed as I got up and found a robe. I donned it as I headed into the suite and to her room. Yawning and working to stretch out some body aches. I tapped on her door and waited. There was nothing. I gently opened her door and figured she might be asleep or in her shower. I looked inside and was alarmed to find her bed was not slept in. I walked to her bathroom and she wasn't inside. My wakefulness increased as I moved back into the living area and checked around for her. Making sure she hadn't slept on the sofa. She wasn't there. I would normally assume she was doing something and had left the room save for the fact her bed was not disturbed. I felt a tinge of panic and rushed into my bedroom. For some reason the words Paul had said to me about kidnapping filled my head and filled me with dread.

"Brian! Clare is gone!" I said with alarm and he looked up at me with confusion and concern.

"What do you mean?" he asked me as he pushed the blankets off him and got up. "Maybe she went to the lobby or something?" he questioned. Already running his hand through his hair. Worry filling his face.

"Her bed wasn't slept in!" I informed him. Brian's face shifted to alarm as well as he grabbed his robe and went to do what I had just done. He checked her room and was looking around the suite. 

"Her purse is gone....she probably went downstairs for something..." Brian said to try and be reasonable. I didn't like this but didn't want to just say what I was thinking. I tightened my robe and headed for the suite door. 

"But her bed wasn't slept in..." I reminded him. "You call the front desk and see if she has been down there...I am going to check with Crystal to see if he saw her last night after we got back..." Brian nodded as he picked up the phone. I left the suite and walked briskly down the hall to Crystal's room. I knocked hard and began to speak without waiting.

"Crystal! I need your help!" I said loudly and kept knocking. Feeling a sense of urgency in finding my sister. I was knocking as I heard the door lock being unfastened and Crystal was standing there and only had his door open a few inches.

"What is going on mate?" he asked me wearily and rubbed his eyes. He had apparently crawled out of his bed to answer the door. I had to get him moving and helping me find her. I pushed at him to open his door so I could explain what was going on inside his room. Crystal was hesitant as I tried to step in and turned his head to look into his room as he resisted. I realized he might have found some company for last night. I didn't care as my situation was more important than his late night guest.

"Let me in! You have to get dressed and help me find my sister!" I argued to him as I forced myself into his room. Crystal sighed heavily as he took a step back and I came inside.

"Shit!" he cried out and I saw whoever was sharing his bed had scrambled under the covers. I know they were probably embarrassed and I felt bad. 

"I'm sorry about your company but this is more important!" I told him with growing panic. "Clare didn't sleep in her bed last night and we don't know where she is!" I explained to him in a harried tone. "I didn't want to say anything to Brian...but what if she was kidnapped?" I questioned to him quietly and Crystal sighed heavily again and looked over at his bed. I realized he might not want his guest knowing about my personal life. I appreciated it but was more concerned about my sister. "Look...just tell your company they have to go because we have to find my sister...." I requested. Crystal looked at me and seemed a bit panicked but I got the feeling it was about something different from my own worries. He glanced at his bed again and I wondered for a minute if he had a man in here with him. I certainly didn't care but wondered if he was embarrassed. Suddenly I saw the covers move and whoever was under them was pulling them off.

"Quit panicking Roger....I'm right here!" Clare suddenly announced as she revealed herself to me. It was obvious she was naked and the only thing Crystal had on was his briefs. I glared at my sister for just a moment. Angry that she had frightened me with her disappearance. I quickly moved my stare to my trusted drum tech/assistant and shoved my finger straight into his bare chest.

"You care to tell me what the fuck is going on here?" I said to him with growing fury. It was abundantly clear they had slept together and I wanted to know what he thought he was doing seducing my baby sister! Crystal raised his hands up in a surrendered gesture at me.

"Rog...look...we are both adults and..." he began to explain. I already knew I wasn't going to be happy with his answer.

"That is my fucking sister!" I interrupted him and went to shove him up against the wall.

"Roger!" Clare barked at me. I still had my hands on Crystal but turned to see her wrapping the bedsheet around herself as she stood up. She looked indignant. "I am a grown woman and was enjoying an evening with a friend...and to be completely honest I feel this is none of your business!" she informed me in a stern tone. "I am sorry I overslept and didn't make it back before you woke...I am sorry I worried you and Brian...but you need to get your hands off him and go back to your room..." she told me in a concise manner and pointed at the door. Her expression told me I better comply. I released Crystal and huffed at him. Still completely furious at him for violating my sister. I avoided looking at Clare and went to the door and walked out.

I realized I didn't have my room key and banged on the door as I tried to calm down from the rage inside me. Brian opened the door looking subdued and I gestured to him as I barged inside.

"It's okay....she's safe..." I managed to tell him and sighed in an irritated manner. His face relaxed and he looked relieved as he closed the door behind me.

"Where is she?" he asked and I looked at him with my outrage on display. 

"I found her in my soon to be former assistant's bed!" I declared sharply. Brian showed shock at first and then I swear I saw something resembling recognition cross his face. I wondered if he had known she was sleeping with my drum tech. I glared at him. "Did you know about this?" I asked him as my irritation shifted towards my husband. Brian tried to look innocent but I wasn't buying it. My brow furrowed and my temperature rose even higher. 

"I didn't know she was sleeping with Crystal...." Brian responded a bit too late for my satisfaction. It still seemed like he knew something. I walked closer to interrogate him. 

"But you knew she was sleeping with somebody...didn't you?" I questioned and his expression told me I was right. They were keeping secrets! "You did know!" I said accusingly. Brian raised his hands in surrender just like Crystal had and it annoyed me. 

"Rog...I knew she occasionally fooled around with someone on the crew...but I didn't ask who it was...alright?" he answered. It seemed to be the truth but it didn't make me any less angry. 

"And you think this is okay?" I argued back. "No one on this fucking crew is worthy of my sister!" I reminded him. Brian shook his head at me. 

"She is an adult...and she chooses who she decides to sleep with..." he told me firmly. Before I could respond the door to our suite opened and my sister appeared. She was dressed in her clothes from last night and appeared vexed as she walked towards us.

"No one on this crew is allowed to sleep with my baby sister!" I declared to her and her eyes went wild with fury. 

"I am going to say this to you once dear brother!" Clare told me and sounded like my mother when she has had enough. Brian began to walk towards the bedroom to leave us alone. "I am 30 years old Roger! 30!" she reminded me. "I am your sister but I am no baby and you are not allowed to treat me like some precious possession that no man is allowed to touch..." Clare tossed her bag onto the table and glared at me. I began to feel like I did when my mother railed on me as a misbehaving child. "It is my choice who I sleep with and you are not going to dictate to me who you deem suitable..." I understood her point but these people were under my employ and I felt they took advantage. 

"I get that Clare but I won't have my crew taking advantage of you..." I pointed out. She huffed out a breath and looked like she was going to laugh at me. 

"I've got news for you...." she responded. "I was the instigator..." she declared and appeared boastful about it. I was shocked to hear this. "And for your information....this wasn't the first time I've enjoyed Crystal's company..." she revealed. I wanted to scream at the knowledge this had been an ongoing thing. I felt betrayed by my assistant. Betrayed by my sister.

"Well it will be the last time Crystal enjoys himself because he is fucking fired!" I shouted back. Clare rolled her eyes and then came to stand right in front of me. 

"You will do no such thing Roger Taylor!" she said sternly. "You couldn't function without him and besides...if you fire him I will quit and then you will really be in a pickle!" she threatened. I hated her ultimatum because it was true. She was right. I couldn't function without Crystal and she knew it. We had also quickly grown dependent on Clare in her capacity as our personal assistant. Mine and Brian's lives were better organized and she managed our affairs too competently. I was up against the wall on this. And Brian had deserted me to hide in the bedroom. I groaned in defeat.

"Fine!" I grumbled at her and closed my eyes. Willing the knowledge of my sister and my friend doing the deed to leave my scarred brain.

"I think you need to apologize to Crystal and then we are good..." she demanded. I nodded understanding as she disappeared into her bedroom and closed her door. I walked to my bedroom and found Brian looking at me with empathy as he held his arms out to me. I went over and accepted his comfort as I groaned into his shoulder. Letting out a sound of pain. He patted my back.

"Sorry..." he said to me and I groaned again. He then made a light chuckling sound and pressed me closer. I wish I had never woke up this morning.

\----------------------------------

5th November 1982

Tokyo to London

It was late and we were back on the plane and leaving Japan. This part of our tour was considered a bona fide success. Hot Space fared much better here than back home or in the States but not by much. I was glad to leave this album and tour behind as we flew back home. I think we all were.

We seemed to have been in a steady pattern of making an album and then immediately hitting the road for years. I could see the wear in all of us. Freddie and Deacy and Brian. And even the crew who had been with us for ages. We all love each other and enjoy our time together but it was evident it was time for a real break. After the normal holiday time period ends most of our crew indicated they were going to just enjoy some actual time at home. A few were traveling to places they never had time to visit before. Freddie was buying a better apartment in New York and had plans in play for recording on his own. I had already booked my time in Montreux for January and beyond. Deacy had made travel plans for his family. Even our manager Jim Beach was welcoming a break in his daily workload. 

And then there was Brian. He has never said what his plans are. I encouraged him to try something on his own but he seemed un-committed. All he would talk about is some real time at home with the kids and seeing more of his parents. I knew this would make him happy but also feared he would grow restless. We are all workaholics at heart and months without real work would eat away at him eventually. I would have to try and get him motivated over the holidays to commit to something. 

I put my headphones from my Walkman on and pressed play as I turned at looked at my husband. He was asleep next to me on the plane and looked so peaceful. The cabin lights had been turned down since it was nighttime. His head was resting on a small airplane pillow and his billowy mass of curls completely covered it. As I looked at him I realized he had really become more handsome as he aged. He had grown into his sharp features and they suited someone in their mid 30's. I know Brian had felt he looked awkward at times as a younger man but getting older somehow made him even more appealing. I felt lucky to have him and hoped I fared just as well as I entered that age range. I noticed his blanket had slipped from his shoulders. I reached over and pulled it up to cover him completely. He opened his eyes when I finished and smiled warmly at me. I returned a smile. As I have done on many a plane ride with my husband I placed my own blanket over both our laps and slipped my hand under his blanket and found his hand. Despite being mostly asleep he instantly laced his fingers with mine. Even though we would soon be apart, right now if felt good to be connected to each other.


	9. This Is Where We Are Today...People Going Separate Ways - Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Just another friendly reminder that I don't always follow the timelines to the exact letter. 
> 
> I want to state that this is fiction and my representation of Eddie Van Halen in this chapter is based on a lot of reading about him during this time period. I love Eddie and have immense respect for him. He is human and lived the life of a hard core rocker during the 80's. I feel my depiction is fair and I apologize if anyone is offended by it. I know he just passed and this is not meant to diminish his memory. Thanks

4th January 1983

Surrey England

Brian's POV

"I love you..." Roger told me in a whisper as I held him in my arms and thrust into him from behind. He was leaving early in the morning for Montreux and we had laid in bed talking about his plans for his record and our time apart. It had eventually shifted to snogging but in a lazy comfortable way. Soon I had Roger laying on his side as I laid behind him. It felt intimate and so familiar in the best possible way to make love to him as I cradled him to me. We have enjoyed this position since our first time and he had turned his head so that we could continue kissing as we were connected together. I loved the feel of his soft skin, warm back and the scent of his hair close to my face. Savoring every movement into him and knowing it would be a while before we would be together like this again. I lifted Roger's leg and gently rolled him onto his back as I shifted myself to be between his legs. I bent over him and ran my hand up his chest as I resumed moving inside him. Feeling the intensity building between us. Pressing our mouths together; both of us making sounds of desire and contentment. We soon finished and just stayed still; looking at each other and smiling with bliss.

"That was nice..." Roger told me as we shared some soft kisses. I remained inside him and lowered myself onto him and rested my head against his shoulder. He hugged me close and I sighed heavily. Wishing he wasn't leaving so soon. 

"I wish we could stay like this forever..." I told him quietly as I breathed him in.

\-------------------------------------------

"Have you given anymore thought as to whether you might do some work while I'm gone?" Roger asked me as we waited for his car to arrive to take him to the airport. His luggage was standing by the door and he was pulling on his coat. 

"I don't know..." I said; being non-committal. "I think I'll just play it by ear..." Roger looked disappointed but I smiled at him. "I promise I will find something to keep me occupied..." I assured him. "Don't worry about me..." I said and tried to look confident as he accepted my response. Roger looked like he was going to say something and then his face softened and he smiled.

"Alright..." he replied. I could hear his car pulling up to the front drive. "That's my car..." he announced. He pulled me to him and we shared a lingering kiss. I embraced him and held him close for a moment. We parted as there was a knock on the door. I stood back in my robe and watched as Roger answered the door and the driver took one of his bags. He waved to me before stepping out. "Love you..." he mouthed to me as he left the house. I watched the door close behind him.

I went back upstairs and was walking towards my bedroom when I saw Tiger Lily standing in her doorway. She looked up at me. 

"Is Papa gone?" she asked me. I nodded to her and she walked towards me. She took my hand and walked with me to my bedroom. Without a word we both crawled into the bed and she snuggled into my side as I pulled the blankets up over us and closed my eyes. 

\---5th January 1983---

"I'm almost finished..." I told Tiger Lily as she held her foot still for me. I got the final bit of dark pink nail varnish on her tiny pinky toe and checked to make sure it was completely covered. "All done!" I told her and she leaned over to examine her toes and determine if I did an acceptable job. 

"My fingers look better..." she told me honestly. I smiled at her.

"I definitely have more practice with painting finger nails..." I replied. She grinned at me and wiggled her feet on the mattress.

"Did Papa ever paint his nails?" she asked as I screwed the applicator top back onto the bottle of varnish and set it over on the nightstand. 

"No..it was just me and Uncle Freddie..." I confirmed. She grinned at me.

"He wore black and you wore white..." she stated and I nodded and grinned back as I patted her leg. 

"That's right..." I responded. "But that was years ago..." 

"Papa and Uncle Freddie had longer hair then..." she pointed out. "I remember them having longer hair...' she remarked and I felt sentimental remembering my husband with his long blond locks. It also reminded me how little Tigs used to be and how big she is now. Every bit of her eight years. "Why didn't you cut your hair too?" she questioned. "Uncle Deacy did..." I shrugged in response.

"Well...I guess I was always happy with my hair that long..." was all I could tell her really. "I never tired of it..." Tigs leaned over and took hold of some of the bottom curls of my hair and stroked them lovingly.

"I know Papa never tires of it..." she told me back. I guess she has observed how often he plays with my hair. I almost blushed at the consideration that not much gets past her these days. She is quite astute for an eight year old. 

"Yes...well....I think Papa would be cross if I chopped it all off..." I agreed and we shared an amused expression at how he might react to me doing that. "But I have no such plans..." I assured her. She giggled as she reached over and grabbed the bottle of varnish from the nightstand. 

"Can I paint your toes?" she asked me and practically batted her eyelashes in the same way Roger does when he wants to get his way. I melted and felt powerless.

"Sure..." I said in defeat and slid my socks off. I scooted all the way back to make room for my long legs so I could straighten them out for her. Once I got settled she examined my feet and got a funny look on her face. 

"Why are boys feet different from girls?" she questioned as she wiggled my big toe. I found she is really starting to process the differences between the sexes these days and wasn't surprised at yet another question about it. I had to think about my answer. 

"I think in general that boys grow to be bigger all over so my feet would naturally be bigger than yours..." I commented. "And we tend not to be as soft and squishy on some parts of our bodies as girls are..." I added. I know her feet feel much softer than mine usually do. 

"Your feet are bigger..." she agreed and smiled at me. "And hairier..." she said honestly as she eyed the hairs growing on top of my toes. I smirked at her comment. 

"Yes...I think boys are a bit hairier too..." I agreed and she opened the varnish and proceeded to paint my big toe. I couldn't wait to tell Roger about this amusing conversation and wondered when I would speak to him next. He had called for a brief confirmation he arrived safely. But I knew he was now hyper focused on making his album and would call when he had time. That usually meant it would be late at night or when he would call to catch the kids before they went to bed. I sat and let Tigs paint both my feet. Jimi came in halfway through and Tiger Lily managed to paint one of his feet before he got restless and took off. My toes finally dried and I found my socks and put them back on. I had remained in my pajamas today. Not interested in getting dressed since I wasn't going anywhere. I planned on enjoying some real down time and that included not having to change clothes.

\---15th January 1983---

I laid in bed alone and listened to the rain fall outside. It was a cold dreary day and it matched my mood. I felt cold and dreary. I pulled the duvet further up my body; laying on my back and staring up at the ceiling. I should have been up hours ago but I found myself in a low mood. I was missing Roger. He has called regularly and at first his calls were engaging and I looked forward to them. Now his enthusiasm for his album made me resentful and irritated. Last night when the phone rang I ignored it and watched an old movie on television. I wasn't up to listening to him brag about that day's accomplishments when I had done absolutely nothing since the holidays. I take that back - I had done something. I managed to grow a beard.

There was a knock on the door and I shouted from the bed for them to come inside. I sat up and found Clare coming in. She was carrying a tray as she approached my bed.

"I heard you hadn't been up yet today..." she remarked as she came over and set the tray on the bed. She carefully sat down next to it and looked me over. "Brian...I am going to say this to you once...you are headed for a serious bout of the blues..." she informed me. "You've not left the house since Roger left for Montreux and you've not done a thing..." she was right but I felt like I was getting a lecture and it was a bit annoying.

"I'm on holiday..." I argued back. Clare looked at me sternly.

"Uhh...that holiday ended about 10 days ago..." she countered. "Now I've got you a nice cup of tea and you are going to sit up and drink it as we go over this mail...." she announced. "And when we are finished you are going to take a shower and shave off that beard and get dressed..." I knew that tone she was using and I knew if I tried to argue with her I would lose. I sat up and leaned over to take the cup from the tray. I noticed several letters on the tray.

"Okay..." I said to her in an amiable tone. I sipped my tea and found it was helpful in perking me up a little. Clare handed me a letter. 

"I think this letter might cheer you up..." she remarked to me. It was from the Guild Guitar Company. I knew she had already read it because she opens all my mail. I slid the envelope open and took a look at the letter. To my surprise and delight it was an offer for them to design and build replicas of my Red Special. With our increasing popularity I had been asked a lot by fans if I would ever consider selling replicas of my guitar. I had never had the time to look into it but apparently this company had seen an interest. 

"What do you think?" Clare asked me as I finished reading their generous offer. I had to admit I was extremely flattered and found myself excited at the prospect. It was nice to feel excited about something. And this was something I would do on my own. A solo project. I liked it. I smiled at her.

"I think we're going to America..."

\---5th February 1983---

Montreux

Roger's POV

What had started as an ambitious project soon became muddled for me. I had loads of songs but I couldn't seem to come up with the right combination of them to create a theme or direction for an album. I had made quite a few demos and had listened to them all trying to sort out some ideas. I came up empty. I had been here a month and had grown frustrated. I contemplated going home but Brian had taken the kids and gone to America. A guitar company wanted to make replicas of Red and he flew to New York to meet with them. It had worked out and he spent two weeks helping them come up with a design to replicate his instrument. While I had ended up floundering in the studio he had found a real project and was now deeply engrossed in it. 

"What do you want to do?" Dominique asked me as we met to discuss strategy. She was going to handle the PR for this album like she had done last time. She flew in to go over my progress and we had just had lunch and a frank discussion of my being stuck right now.

"I guess at this point I want to just sit on my songs for now and do some thinking before I proceed..." I told her honestly. I lit a cigarette as we shared a small table in the hotel bar. Dominique pulled a fresh cigarette from her bag and I lit it for her. "I am hoping I can write some other material that might help me pull a theme together..." I commented. She listened and seem to understand. 

"So now what?" she asked me. "Are you going home?" she questioned as she took a sip of her cocktail. 

"My family is away in America...so unless I go there...I am all alone for the time being..." I replied. "Maybe I will just do some traveling on my own...I've never done much for leisure...it has always been about work..." I suggested. Dom's face lit up and she leaned closer.

"Have you ever been skiing?"

\--------------------------------------

\---18th February 1983---

Los Angeles 

Brian's POV

"How about mint chocolate chip?" I asked Jimi. "Have you ever tried that flavor?" he peered through the glass display in the ice cream shop and I bent down and pointed at the light green colored ice cream in its round container. "Want a sample of it?" I asked him.

"Okay..." he said. I gestured to the worker and she scooped a small amount on a sample spoon and then handed it over the counter to me. I leaned down and Jimi opened his mouth to take a bite. His face lit up as he tasted it and swallowed. 

"You like that?" I asked as he looked pleased. He nodded at me so I turned back to the worker. "Can I get one scoop of that please in a cup?" I requested. She smiled and began to fill the order. She handed me the cup and I kept hold of it as I paid for all the ice cream we had ordered. I then carried my cup and Jimi's outside to the table where everyone was seated; already enjoying their selections.

"Which flavor did you get?" Tiger Lily asked her brother as he got seated and I sat his cup down for him.

"Mint chocolate chip..." he repeated to her. Tiger Lily had her usual strawberry. Clare was eating something with caramel and Mia had a hot fudge sundae. I was eating a scoop of raspberry sherbert. We sat on the sidewalk in front of the shop enjoying our treat and I couldn't help but marvel at how sunny and bright it was in Los Angeles. It was an antidote to the grey weather back home. It was an antidote to the blue mood I had been in. We began talking about doing some shopping for some spring and summer clothes. Both children had grown and needed new things for the warmer weather. I had checked to make sure I had my credit card with me. We had been here longer than planned in the states and I needed to put some things on my charge card to hang onto my cash until I could arrange to get some more money. This was something new for me and it felt odd to just hand this plastic card to a cashier rather than currency.

"Hey Brian!" I heard someone say. I wondered if a fan had recognized me but there was something familiar about the voice. I looked up and saw Fred Mandel, our keyboard player from our American and Japanese tours late last year, standing there with a companion. 

"Fred! Hey!" I said as I stood up to shake his hand. Introductions with his friend Lisa were made between myself and my family.

"What are you doing in L.A?" I asked him. 

"I've been in the studio with a few different artists..." he announced. "In fact I just finished up my last session and we are hanging out before we go on a trip in about two weeks..." Fred explained. "Hey...I saw Eddie Van Halen at the studio and he asked about you..." he mentioned to me. "I didn't know you'd be out here or I would have told him...give him a call while you are here..." he suggested. I did have Eddie's number from earlier meetings. 

"I'll do that..." I replied. Fred and his lady friend took off and we finished our ice cream. We headed for the mall and shopped all afternoon. When we got back to the house I found my address book and called Eddie up. He was thrilled to hear from me and said we should get together and jam sometime. I told him I had no real plans and he invited me over the very next day. I was excited at the prospect and agreed to be there.

Eddie had a nice home and we enjoyed sitting around and catching up. I met his wife Valerie and she had some food delivered for lunch and we got our guitars out and played around all afternoon. Time flew by and Eddie suggested we should try and do some more jamming. There was a chemistry between our guitars and I left enthused to put something together. Heading to L.A. after my business in New York had turned out to be a great idea. I called some studios Eddie suggested and found some time available at The Record Plant. I gave Fred a call to see if he wanted to join in. He loved the idea. I got some numbers for some mutual friends we had from touring and I scraped up Phil Chen and Alan Gratzer from Reo Speedwagon to do bass and drums. I couldn't contain my excitement as I finalized our plans and chattered like a teenage girl going on a first date all through dinner. Clare and Mia both teased but seemed pleased for my session the next day.

After putting the kids to bed I retired to my bedroom and picked up the phone. Feeling butterflies in anticipation of tomorrow. I dialed the hotel phone number Roger had given me. He had called and told me he had been invited skiing by Dominique and a group of people she knew. He had asked if I minded if he went and tried it out. At first I was annoyed he was doing something new without me but realized it was selfish to deny him the chance. I wasn't sure how keen I was to do something like skiing anyway so I gave my blessing. We promised to have a phone call tonight to catch up. The hotel answered.

"Room 211 please..." I requested. They put me through and the line rang. 

"Hello..." It was Roger and I smiled hearing his voice.

"It's me..." I answered. "How is skiing coming along?" I asked him. 

"To be honest I had a shaky start but I am getting the hang of it..." he replied. "Crystal and I first did some novice slopes and we looked like two idiots trying to get our bearings on the skis..." he explained as he half laughed. I smiled listening to his story. I could easily picture him and Crystal being clumsy oafs and falling in the snow.

"Who is the better skier?" I questioned.

"Me of course!" Roger argued and we both laughed. "But you can tell Dom has been skiing for ages...she is an absolute pro on the slopes..." I was glad he was enjoying himself and Dom was showing him a good time. I fought the urge to be jealous and chose to be happy for him.

"I'm glad you've got someone who knows what they are doing and can show you a good time..." I told him honestly. 

"She is a lot of fun and so are her friends...they are good hosts..." he remarked. "What are you getting up to in L.A.?" he asked me. 

"I just planned on hanging out at the house and the beach but I ran into Fred Mandel. He told me Eddie Van Halen was asking about me and I called Eddie up and we had a visit. I went to his place and we had a jam session..." I explained with building excitement as I told the story. "It went really well and we decided to have another tomorrow...and we've invited in Fred along with the drummer and bassist from Reo Speedwagon...we just want to play and see what happens...just a bit of fun..." I told him. 

"That sounds fantastic Brian! I want to hear the recordings and see how it turns out..." he replied. "I know you and Eddie really hit it off and I am glad you found a creative outlet while you are there..." 

"It was fun today and I am excited about tomorrow...of course I can't let it become something serious as I have to get the kids back home for school..." I explained. "But it will be interesting to see what we create on a whim..." 

"If you think you want to give it a real go I can always fly out and accompany everyone back home...if you want to stay and work on something..." he suggested. I found Roger's offer generous. He should have been working on his own project but we had talked about his difficulties in getting it organized and needing to take a break from it for now.

"That's nice of you to offer but I don't see us taking it as far as writing material and doing something tangible...we just want to keep it loose and fun..." I replied. 

"Okay..." Roger responded. "I'll probably be here a few more days and will head back to London so I guess I will see you and everyone then..." he told me. It would be good to see him and I smiled at the prospect.

"That sounds great...I do miss your face..." I said sincerely. 

"I miss you too babe..." Roger replied. "I miss you in my bed..." he admitted to me. "It's cold here and I miss your warmth..." he confessed. I smiled hearing this and wrapped my fingers around the phone cord and laid back against the pillows on the bed.

"I miss the smell of your hair..." I confessed and felt a blush go through me. Roger made a sound of satisfaction in the phone and I grinned at the noise.

"Yeah?" he said back. "If I was there right now I'd climb into your lap and wrap my arms around your neck and you could smell my hair all night..." he added. 

"That sounds like heaven..." I said in response and we both devolved into a conversation about what we liked and missed about the other. It felt nice to be reminded about the little things we appreciate and I delighted in some of the sexy banter that resulted at the end. It also left me with an ache when we finally hung up and I pondered taking a shower to do something about the feeling. 

\---20th February 1983---

It was one of the best experiences of my musical life and I was riding high off the jam as we finished at The Record Plant in the evening. Everyone had been at the top of their game and I couldn't wait to listen to the tapes again and share them with Roger. I was really excited for Jimi to hear our rendition of the theme song to his favorite show, Star Fleet. I called Eddie before we went to the studio and played him a recording of the show theme I had taped from the television. He was game to give it a go and it had turned into such a light and playful song to trade licks on.

"Hey! Let's keep the party going..." Eddie suggested as we all stood in the parking lot of the studio; still in high spirits. "I can call some people and we can have a party back at my place..." he explained. I glanced at my watch and saw it was 10 pm. I did want to spend more time with these guys; especially Eddie. 

"Okay...I need to leave around 1 though..." I replied. "My family..." I told him. 

"Sure...you can call them from my house when we get there..." he suggested. I nodded agreement and we all took off for Eddie's house. We arrived to find some of his regulars already there with the stereo system blasting music and the drinks were already being served. Valerie wasn't there due to filming commitments but there were plenty of females in attendance. Eddie began introducing me to his friends and I was glad when he made a point to inform the women I was spoken for. The party got bigger when some more people arrived. I had a few beers and caught up with Fred Mandel. I was finishing one when Eddie walked in holding a box of liquor.

"I just got this special reserve in from Kentucky...you've got to try this..." he informed us. He leaned over and handed me a bottle of bourbon. I usually drank vodka and the occasional glass of Roger's whisky, but it was Scottish whisky and I heard Bourbon was different. More potent for an Englishman. I was going to decline his offer.

"Thanks but I'll skip this..." I said politely. Eddie shoved the bottle back at me.

"Come on Brian! You're in my country so drink like I do..." he told me and made it sound like I would offend him if I turned him down. I uncapped the bottle and took a drink. It was heavy stuff and I gasped a bit as it went down. Eddie chuckled as he watched. "Just keep working on that bottle and you're guaranteed a good time tonight!" he declared. I nodded at him and had a another drink. This time it wasn't as punchy. It still burned. I wiped my mouth and smiled at him. He looked satisfied and handed out a few more bottles before keeping the last one and taking a large drink. I decided I would try and just sip it and raised my bottle up when he yelled out a toast.

\---Three hours later---

"Come on in!" the women shouted at me. "The water is so warm!" one of the woman told me as she rested her folded arms on the edge of the heated pool in Eddie's back garden and looked up at me. I shook my head and stumbled a bit as I tried to walk away. 

"I've not got a bathing suit..." I argued to her. I watched as she proceeded to take a step back in the pool and pulled her top off and flung it my way. She was now bare breasted and gazing at me.

"I haven't got one either..." she said back with a giggle. I laughed too but then waved to her and began walking back towards the house. The music was blaring and my head was roaring from all the alcohol I had consumed. I managed to get a sliding door opened and walked into a lounge area. The lights were low and I had trouble finding my way in the near dark. I could make out the shapes of people fooling around on the couches. I heard some giggling as I entered the hallway and found a girl leaning into Eddie's bare chest as they shared a bottle of liquor. Eddie was propped up against the wall and had a stupid grin as the girl ran her finger over his bicep. I noticed how defined his arm muscles were. He was a thin guy but he worked out apparently. His stomach muscles were quite defined and his biceps were big. I admired his bare chest as the girl leaned in and tried to get a kiss from him. He accepted her kiss but then noticed me watching and laughed a bit; moving his head to one side to avoid her mouth. 

We shared a look between us and I know he was inferring the unspoken code of people in the rock business. I know he is married and he is telling me this is just the usual thing that goes on at parties. The girl pushed away from him and looked over at me and winked as she walked down the hall to the bathroom and went inside. Eddie watched her disappear and ran his hand through his hair; laughing again and shrugging as he turned back to look at me.

"Girls...you know!" he said in dismissive manner and took a drink from the almost empty bottle in his hand. "You've been around longer than me...I know you've had your share of tail on the road..." he stated and looked at me for confirmation. I was surprised by his behavior right now and quickly realized that it was probably the drink that had done this to him. Changed his demeanor. The drink and the drugs. It hadn't escaped me that he had some white residue below his nose and earlier I had seen him taking some kind of pills. I am not going to judge him as I am far from perfect and have been unfaithful before. I've also had my moments of too much drink. I decided to be cordial about it. As drunk as he was he probably wouldn't remember this conversation. Neither would I for that matter. 

"I've had my weak moments..." I said to summarize my short list of sins. He smiled widely hearing this and took a few steps towards me.

"I know you got your lady back at home..." he said to me. "That blond you always mention..." he added with a knowing look. "Seems like you've been with her a long time so she must be pretty cool about what goes on while you are on the road..." Eddie looked at me with a smirk and I felt bad that I had lied to him in the past. I was evasive when talking about my relationship and let him believe what the world does. That Clare is my partner. We never talked much about our partners and he did ask me about being a father. That seemed to interest him. In keeping with the lies I had only talked about Jimi. It felt disloyal to my girl but I had never been able to gauge where Eddie stood regarding gay or bisexual people. It was pretty clear he was straight. I just didn't know how straight laced he was about sexuality. Fred Mandel knew my truth and had no issue. He had a good reputation in the business for his discretion so I trusted him to keep my secret. As far as I knew he never told a soul about me and Roger. 

"I have been with my partner for a long time and we understand each other..." was all I offered to Eddie. He seemed to like my choice of words. He got closer and smiled drunkenly as he clutched his bottle. I wanted to change the subject to avoid any complications on the topic. "Do you lift weights to get your arms like that?" I asked him. Eddie looked proud as he held up his arms and flexed them to show off his biceps. 

"Fuck yeah I do!" he said back and glanced behind me. "I'll show you my workout stuff...it's in the garage..." he informed me. The girl who had been in the bathroom reappeared and walked past us in the hallway. I felt the need to take a big piss and gestured towards the bathroom.

"Alright..." I said. "Let me go first and then I'll have a look..." I told him. Eddie looked down at my bottle and saw I had about a quarter of it left. 

"Bottoms up before you piss it all away!" he said teasingly. He lifted the bottom of the bottle and gestured for me to take a drink. 

"It's the last one of the night mate...I'm pretty pissed..." I explained. He laughed and watched me take one more drink. I finished and handed him my bottle. I stumbled down the hall and felt a bit dizzy as I went in to use the toilet. I noticed Eddie finishing off my bottle as I stepped in and turned on the light. I unzipped my jeans and went to stand in front of the toilet. It felt so good to relieve myself. I stood unsteadily and emptied my bladder. Smiling and almost sighing at the feeling. I finished and struggled to get my zipper back up. I looked down and finally got the pull in my fingers and zipped up. I laughed as I whipped my head back up and felt a massive head rush from moving too quickly. I felt my body go weak and dizzy. 

"Shit!" I said loudly as I knew I was losing my balance. The tile floor was slippery and my clogs didn't give me enough traction. I felt my feet start to go out from under me and moved my arms up to try and catch myself. On what I didn't know as there was nothing there to grab. I looked in front of me and only saw the back of the toilet as my feet quickly slid backwards and I fell forward. My shins slammed into the toilet and I fell forward a bit more. I tried to grab onto the back of the toilet but failed and felt my body start going down. In a panic I tried pull myself forward a bit and lost my balance completely. I came down hard. My head made contact with the toilet as I fell. I heard what seemed like a cracking sound as I landed on the tile floor and the lights seem to go out on me.

To be continued


	10. This Is Where We Are Today...People Going Separate Ways - Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a new chapter! Sorry for the delay! We had left off with Brian getting drunk and slipping in the bathroom and hitting his head on the back of the toilet...

***** A reminder that I am not a medical expert.

20th February 1983

Los Angeles CA

Brian's POV

"Shit Brian! Are you okay?" I could faintly hear someone asking me this. "Hey man...wake up!" Whoever it was, they were telling me to wake up. I hadn't realized I was asleep. I wondered if my eyes were just closed. I willed myself to open them and my eyes were shocked by the harsh light. I blinked several times to adjust to the intensity and immediately felt I had a horrible headache. I tried to reach up to touch my head and felt so out of it. 

"You're awake!" someone else said. "Thank god!" they said next. "Don't touch your head...you're bleeding..." As soon as I heard these words I felt the warm wet spot on my head. It was painful to touch and I brought my hand down to see it smeared with blood. 

"Ow!" I said and felt worried as I realized I had hurt myself. I looked up to see Fred Mandel peering down at me. Next to him was Eddie. Both of them looked concerned. 

"You okay?" Eddie asked me. I was laying on my back and I wanted to try and sit up. I lifted my arms up and Eddie grabbed hold of one to help me.

"Don't move him!" Fred shouted at us. "He might have a head injury....a concussion...or hurt his back or spine or something..." Fred remarked as Eddie refrained from helping me. Panic rose up in me in hearing this. 

"What happened?" I asked them and Eddie gestured towards the toilet.

"I don't know...you came in here to use the john and I heard something and came in and found you on the floor...you were out!" Eddie was telling me I had passed out. I must have hit my head on something because it hurt and there was blood. I looked at my hand again and groaned.

"Here...I'll clean your hand up..." Fred told me as he grabbed my hand and used a towel to wipe the blood away..." he looked me in the eyes; appearing worried. " They called an ambulance...so don't move...alright?" he then said. "Just in case you're really hurt...." I realized that I might be seriously injured and remained laying flat on my back. I know my eyes went wide at the news. 

"I'm going to go wait for the ambulance at the door..." Eddie announced. "Hang in there Brian..." He patted my leg and then got up from the floor and smiled at me, He left the bathroom. Fred took hold of my hand and gave me an encouraging look.

"You're going to be okay Brian...the ambulance should be here any minute..." he said in a gentle voice. The reality of the situation hit me and I began to get emotional. The last time I had been in an ambulance was when I was taken off the plane in London and was put in hospital for weeks. I almost died. The panic I already felt escalated as the memories and feelings of that time flooded back to me. I began to cry and felt overwhelmed with a sense of dread. I was going to go to the hospital and something could be horribly wrong with me. 

"I want Roger..." I suddenly blurted out and tears spilled from my eyes as my mouth trembled and I felt really nauseous. My head was throbbing and I really thought I might pass out again. The thought of it freaked me out. What if I pass out and have a concussion and never wake up? 

"Brian...you know Roger isn't here...do you want me to try and call someone else?" Fred asked me as there was commotion in the hallway. Eddie reappeared in the doorway.

"Ambulance is here..." he announced and then got out of the way as Fred looked at me intently. 

"Brian...who can I call?" he asked me. Tears streamed down my face. I only wanted Roger. I just wanted to see my husband as he knew how to comfort me. What if I die and I never see him again? What if I never see my kids again? I shook my head as two men in uniform appeared in the doorway. 

"I want Roger..." I repeated in a somewhat slurred voice. "My kids..." I groaned and felt overwhelmed by the emotion taking me over. I closed my eyes to shut it out. 

"Don't close your eyes...hey...look at me..." I heard a voice tell me. I kept my eyes opened and shifted them to see one of the ambulance men leaning over me. "You're Brian...right?" the man asked me in a soft voice. I went to nod my head but it really hurt.

"Yeah..." I mumbled to him and he smiled at me. I tried to sniff because I'd been crying and my nose was running. It hurt to move my head and it made my panic go up again. "Hurts..." I said in an anxious voice.

"Tell me what hurts..." he asked me. 

"Head..." I answered and wanted to close my eyes to block out the pain and the panic. "Need Roger..." I managed to say and tried to look at Fred for help.

"Who is Roger?" the man asked me.

"Husband..." I groaned and closed my eyes. I couldn't keep them open anymore.

"Brian?"

\---------------------------------  
Fred Mandel's POV

I felt a wave of panic when Brian told the EMT that Roger was his husband. That is not public information and I know he would never tell a soul that if he wasn't drunk and injured right now. Without thinking I kind of had a nervous laugh. I was anxious and didn't know what to do.

"Husband?" Eddie asked me and looked confused. "Why would he call his drummer his husband?" he questioned. I purposely laughed again.

"It's an band old joke they have..." I said back quickly and focused my attention on the EMT and Brian to avoid any other questions. Eddie shrugged at my explanation and resumed his watch over our friend and I was relieved he didn't ask anything else.

"Brian?" the EMT asked him as Brian started closing his eyes again. "Stay with me Brian...I need you to stay awake..." the man said to him as he patted his cheeks. The other EMT was pulling out a neck brace and the two men quickly worked to get it on him. Eddie and I took a few steps back to let the men do their thing. It was a huge bathroom and luckily there was ample room to work on him. 

They got Brian awake again and the EMT began checking him over once they had the neck brace on him. Eddie had told them what happened when they arrived so they had few questions for us and were asking Brian the questions. I knew they wanted to see if he was disoriented or confused. 

"Can you tell me where you are?" the EMT asked Brian next. Brian blinked and seemed to think about it. He did look confused but I know he is pretty drunk. 

"Eddie's..." he finally said in a somewhat slurred voice. One of the EMT's looked up at me.

"Do you know how much he had to drink?" he asked. "Any drugs?" he added. 

"No drugs...Brian never touches drugs...." I assured him. 

"He had a few beers and about 2/3 of a bottle of Bourbon..." Eddie told the men. "He was pretty wasted before he went into the bathroom..."

"Jesus!" I said to Eddie in shock. "Brian never drinks that much!" I informed him. Eddie looked remorseful.

"Sorry...I didn't know..." Eddie replied and looked at Brian with increased concern. 

"We definitely need to take him in and figure out how much of this is alcohol and what is possibly related to him hitting his head..." one of the EMTs announced. The other EMT was examining Brian's cut and dabbed it with some gauze. "We need some room to move him onto the gurney..." the EMT told us. We both nodded understanding and walked to leave the bathroom. 

"Okay...what hospital are you taking him to?" I asked as we stepped out. 

"Sherman Oaks..." he replied. I knew I needed to call someone about Brian. He said he was staying at the home he had in L.A. but I didn't know exactly where that was or the phone number. I knew it was a private number and wouldn't be listed. Shit! I knew I had to call home and ask Lisa to get Freddie's or John's number so I could get a hold of Roger.

"I've got to call home and get a phone number to contact Brian's family..." I told Eddie. He nodded agreement.

"Okay...there is a phone in my bedroom over there..." he instructed. I rushed to his bedroom and picked up the phone. I was sobering up fast and knew this was going to be one of many phone calls in the course of this night. I sat on the bed and sighed as I picked up the phone. As I went to dial home Eddie walked in and looked flustered.

"I almost forgot!" he announced as he walked over to the nightstand. "Brian gave me his house number here in L.A. ..." he informed me as he opened his drawer and fished around for it.

"Good!" I told him and he handed me a slip of paper. I was relieved to see this and dialed the phone number.

\---21st February 1983---

Saint Moritz - Switzerland

Roger's POV

"I'm going to change for the slopes..." Dom told me as she got up from the dining table and smiled at me as she disappeared into her bedroom. I lit a cigarette and leaned back in my seat. I was full from our late breakfast and looked at my watch. It was just after 11. We had been up late last night with her friends talking about the nuclear power and weapons issues in the UK and Europe. I was fascinated by their knowledge on the subject and learned a lot as we enjoyed some wine and conversation. Dom knows so many interesting people and I have enjoyed the adult time I've spent with them. When I woke up this morning I did find myself missing my kids and missing Brian. I got up from the table and stretched. I was a bit sore from skiing the previous day. I walked towards my bedroom to get dressed when the telephone rang. I went over to answer it.

"Hello..." 

"Roger! Thank god I got you!" It was Clare and she sounded exasperated. I was curious what she was calling for.

"What's wrong?" I asked. 

"It's Brian..." she responded. My stomach dropped at her weighted tone and I was terrified she was going to tell me he had hurt himself again. I had to sit down on the sofa by the table. "He had an accident and hit his head and is in the hospital..." she advised me. "He's awake but he is freaking out and keeps asking for you..." she told me. "Can you try and talk to him and calm him down?" she asked me next. I felt guilty at not being there and worried for his state of mind. At least it was an accident but I was concerned he might be seriously injured.

"Yes...put him on the phone!" I told her in an anxious voice. 

"Okay..." she responded. "He needs to get a head scan, but he refuses to have one until you get here..." she explained to me. "Can you tell him to let them do it?" I nodded and ran my hand over my face; trying to remain calm at hearing this. I know he doesn't like being in the hospital after everything that happened to him.

"I will...put him on..." I told her; just wanting to hear his voice and know he was okay and to calm him down. I heard some noise in the background and then I heard Brian's voice. 

"Rog?" he said in the phone and sounded frightened. My heart instantly clenched hearing it. 

"Yes...it's me...are you okay babe?" I asked him and felt myself getting a bit emotional. 

"I hit my head..." he told me and sounded muddled. I could then hear him start crying. "Can you come?" he asked me in a shaky voice. "I'm scared..." my big man sounded so small and I thought I might cry. I kept hold of my emotions as I answered. 

"I will be on the next plane out...alright?" I replied gently. "I will be there as soon as I can...but please do whatever the doctor asks you...okay?" I requested. "If you need a scan...I need you to do it for me...alright?" I said to him tenderly as I got up from the sofa and begin trying to figure out how I could get to L.A. My head swimming at the thought of the journey ahead of me. 

"I don't want to..." Brian told me. "Want you here..." he said in an emotional voice. I know he is scared and I wished like hell I was there. Shit! 

"I will be there as soon as possible Bri...but I'm in Switzerland and it takes a bit of time to get to L.A. ..." I reminded him in a gentle voice. "You can't wait on me to get the scan...so please just let them take you down and do it....for me...okay?" I asked him in a pleading voice. "I need to know when I call to check in during my travel that you are okay..." I explained. 

"Okay..." he told me and I felt relieved he would agree to be scanned. 

"You're going to be fine...I promise..." I said to reassure him. "I need you to get ready for your scan and I am going to catch a flight out...." I explained to him. "Promise me you will get your scan and then try and rest while you wait for me..." I asked him. 

"Okay...I promise..." he agreed. I was relieved that he seemed a bit calmer. 

"I will check in between flights okay...let me talk to Clare so I can get the phone number..." I asked him. 

"Okay..." he repeated.

"I love you Bri and you are going to be alright...just let Clare hold your hand and I will be there as soon as I can..." I said again. 

"I love you too..." he told me and sounded a bit more solid. 

"Hey Rog..." It was Clare again. I quickly told her I would get the first flight out and grabbed a pen and paper and got the hospital information. I promised to call in between flights. I got off the phone and walked briskly to Dom's room to let her know what was going on. I saw her door was open. I peaked in and found her seated on her bed and on her telephone. She looked up at me and made a gesture referencing flying. 

"Yes...I need two seats to get to L.A. as quickly as possible...it's a family emergency" she was telling someone on the phone. She smiled at me and I realized she had heard my conversation and was already calling for a flight. Thank god!

\---Brian's POV---

"Now the scan will only take about 15 minutes...and we are going to inject some dye into your system so we can get some contrast on the images..." the doctor explained to me as he held up a syringe. I already had an IV to get fluids and sober up and they had given me a mild sedative since they said I needed to calm down. They put the IV in during my ambulance ride here. I was trying to focus on the doctors words but my head still hurt and I was a bit woozy from the sedative. And I wanted Roger.

"Have you ever had a CT scan before Brian?" the doctor asked me. I didn't recall from my previous medical treatments. I might have been unconscious if I did have one. 

"No..." I answered. He placed the needle against the cartridge on my IV line and began to inject the dye. 

"You might feel a burning sensation in your arm from the chemical...it only lasts a minute or so..." he explained to me. There was a flash of heat searing up my arm and I hissed at the feeling. I reached over with my free hand to try and rub it away. I felt a bit flush all over as it spread into my system. My mouth felt funny and a weird taste developed as I licked my lips. The doctor was looking at me. "Sometimes people get a metallic taste in their mouths..." he commented. I nodded agreement as the horrid taste made me gag a little. 

"We're going to take him in and should be back in about a half hour..." he told Clare. She smiled and leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek. 

"You'll be okay Bri...just relax..." she told me. I tried to smile but my face felt numb. I feel really weird. The gurney I was on began to move and they were pushing me out of the exam room I was in. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore some mild nausea from the movement. I tried to think about something pleasant but the movement and noises around me wouldn't let me focus. I was suddenly in a quieter place and opened my eyes to see I was in a room with a large machine in the middle.

"This is Brian May...head CT..." I heard the porter tell the man seated at a console. The man stood up and walked over to me. He picked up my chart and read over it and then smiled at me.

"Hi Mr. May...my name is Dennis and we're going to move you onto the table over here and get you started..." he explained to me as my gurney was positioned next to the table. I felt the men lift me up to move me over. My blanket fell away and I shivered from the cold air. I only had on a hospital gown and my legs were bare. "Sorry about that..." Dennis said as he placed my blanket back over me. He looked down at me with a serene smile. "You need to relax while we do the scan..." he explained. "When the machine is on...you cannot move your body..." he instructed. "Are you prone to anxiety or are you feeling anxious about this?" he asked me. I nodded my head and he patted my arm. 

"Yes..." I replied. "Scared..." I confessed. I saw the other man come over carrying another blanket and he placed it over my body. I did feel warmer which was nice. It helped me relax a bit more. The man patted my arm again and smiled warmly at me.

"Let's get this done before your sedative and your dye wears off.." he suggested. The men positioned me on the table and gently placed my head in a plastic frame. The sides held my head still as the table began moving into the scanner. Once I was in place I was instructed to remain still. I practically held my breath as the machine began working. It was noisy and made odd sounds. After a few minutes it was over. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be and I was relieved when the noise stopped. I was soon being slid back onto my gurney and the porter was taking me back to my room. I relaxed and felt like maybe the worst was over.

I was being helped onto my bed in the exam room when the doctor walked back in. His demeanor seemed different for some reason and he walked up towards me as he grabbed some gloves from the counter. 

"While I wait on your scan I am going to put a few stitches in that cut..." he announced. "In light of some information I received from the ambulance men I need to ask you a very personal question Mr. May..." the doctor told me as he looked at me intently. He cleared his throat and glanced over at Clare. I wondered what was going on. "Maybe you prefer to answer this question in private..." he remarked and looked at Clare again. 

"You can go ahead...I don't keep secrets from her..." I said. The doctor seemed to hesitate and then looked me in the eye as he put on his gloves.

"Alright..." he said. "Mr. May...I need to know if you are a homosexual..." he asked me in a direct manner. I felt a shockwave pour through me and wondered how he had determined this. I immediately shook my head at him. Feeling dizzy from the movement and feeling anxious about his question.

"What?" I stated and looked over at Clare. She seemed a bit nervous but then questioned the doctor.

"I think there must be some kind of misunderstanding..." Clare answered. "Brian is my boyfriend..." she explained. The doctor looked back at me and cleared his throat again.

"Look...I'm not here to judge and I personally don't care about your sex life...but from a medical point of view...well...I need to know if you are.." he seemed to hesitate with his words. "In case you might be infected..." he finally blurted out.

"Infected?" Clare asked him. As muddled as my head was right now I instantly knew what he was referring to and my body filled with a sense of dread. 

"I don't have AIDS..." I informed the doctor. Clare had a baffled expression. I realized we had never told her about the articles we saw about the disease affecting homosexuals. We had yet to see any in the English newspapers so she wouldn't have known about it.

"How can you know that for certain?" the doctor questioned as he remained standing and staring at me. "I need you to be honest with me...and this is confidential...but I need to know if you are a sexually active with other men...." he repeated. I felt panic rising inside me as I considered his words. How did I know for certain I didn't have it?

"Okay..." I finally said to him. "I am..." I confirmed to him. Clare looked aghast at my revelation to the doctor.

"It's okay..." I said to Clare and then turned back to the doctor. "Look...I've been with one partner for more than 10 years..." I argued. The doctor remained stern looking.

"Can you assure me that neither you nor your partner has had any other sexual encounters with another man during that time?" he questioned. "I know who you are Mr. May...what profession you are in..." I felt his judgement as he glared at me. I could see he was certain this was the case since he knew I was in a music group. And I hated that he might be right. My mind drifted back to Roger's one time infidelity with a male stranger all those years ago. I also recalled the night we were drugged. I had no idea who we actually had sex with. Male or female? Or both?

"No...I can't..." I said in surrender. The doctor looked over at Clare with sympathy as he opened a cabinet in the room and pulled out a thick plastic gown. Clare and I watched him put the covering over his clothes and he then got a pair of oversized clear eyeglasses from a drawer. He put it on and then grabbed several pair of gloves. The doctor had on three pairs before he turned back to face me. I swallowed hard at the reality of his fear in treating me. I felt a little ashamed as he began looking closely at my cut and Clare took the seat by the bed and held my hand as I felt him move my hair around and he gingerly touched around my wounded area. 

"It quit bleeding..." the doctor remarked. "I don't think I will need to cut or shave your hair...you're lucky..." he told me as he turned and picked up a syringe. "I'm just going to numb the area...I barely put the needle in your skin but please stay still..." the doctor advised. I held my breath and felt the prick of the needle on my delicate scalp and closed my eyes; wishing I had never accepted that bottle of bourbon from Eddie and wishing like hell Roger was here.

The doctor put in four stitches and cleaned up the area on my head. He worked in silence and when finished he began peeling off his layers of protective gear. He placed them and the bloodied materials in a plastic bag and sealed it up. 

"I'll be back once I know the scan results..." The doctor left the room with the bag and Clare immediately gave me a look of deep concern.

"Brian...what was he talking about?" Clare asked and kept hold of my hand. I hated that this was the way she was going to hear about this. 

"We've seen some newspaper articles in the American papers about a new disease that they are linking primarily to gay men..." I advised and her eyes grew worried as she listened. "All I could find that they know so far is that it seems to be sexually transmitted and they have determined that it can be in your blood..." I gingerly touched my stitched up cut. The numbness was starting to wear off. 

"So that is why he was asking you those questions and that is why he put on all those things..." Clare remarked to me. I nodded at her. "Brian....you were asking for Rog and you referred to him as your husband when you were brought in..." Clare announced. "Fred told me before he left..." she revealed. "That must be what the doctor heard from the ambulance men and why he asked you if you were gay...." she surmised. I didn't really remember calling him my husband and knew I was still pretty drunk when I arrived. The IV fluids and dealing with tests and the doctors questions had really sobered me up. Now my anxiety over this entire situation was growing.

"I'm sorry Clare..." I told her. "I shouldn't have drank so much...." I said. The room door opened and a nurse came in with a wary expression. She had on plastic covering over her clothes and already had on gloves. She didn't come near me.

"The doctor has indicated he wants you to stay overnight for observation...to make sure you don't have a concussion..." she advised us. "We will be moving you to a regular room shortly..." she turned and left the room and I knew from her attire and her behavior the doctor had told her about me. I suddenly felt like I had leprosy or something. I didn't want to stay here and be treated like this. I sat up and turned to get off the exam bed. 

"What are you doing?" Clare asked me as I pushed myself off the bed and then leaned against it for a moment to get my bearings. 

"I'm not staying..." I told her and gestured at the small corner table where my clothes and shoes were piled. "Give me my clothes...I'm getting out of here..."

\---Roger's POV---

"Thanks for doing this...you've been good company for me..." I told Dom as we walked through LAX airport after our long plane journey. She had managed to find a direct flight from Zurich to New York with a short layover before we boarded this flight out west. Dom smiled as she reached for her sunglasses in her large handbag.

"I was happy to come with you..." she told me and smiled. We were heading for the area where you could arrange for a car and I heard the sound of a high speed camera. I looked around and saw a photographer snapping pictures of us. I had to remember this is Los Angeles and the press stake out the airport. I didn't want to deal with this right now. Between the reason I was here and being really tired, I was instantly irritated.

"Shit!" I said under my breath. I felt Dom wrap her arm around mine and lean into me as we walked.

"Let's just give them what they want..." she remarked. She was well aware of how discreet I try to be due to my family situation. I appreciated her giving the press an image of us traveling together and appearing to be a couple. We ignored the photographer and went and hired a limo. I found a payphone and called the number Clare gave me for the hospital.

"Sherman Oaks Medical Center...how may I direct your call?" 

"I need the room for a patient...Brian May please..." I asked her. 

"One moment..." she advised and I was put on hold. Dominique lit a cigarette as she waited on me. It made me want one as well.

"I'm sorry sir...the patient has checked out..." I was taken aback by this information.

"Are you sure?" I asked. Wondering if it was a mistake.

"Yes...." she confirmed. "I see a note that he left against medical advice..." My mouth dropped at the news.

"Thank you..." I said and hung up the pay phone. Dom was giving me a curious look. I reached over and took her cigarette from her hand and took a long drag. 

"What is it?" Dom asked me. I handed her the cigarette and slid my hand into my jacket and rubbed my shoulder.

"He checked himself out!"

\----------------------------- 

"Are you sure it's okay that I stay here?" Dom asked as the limo neared our Los Angeles house. I was sure. She had been kind enough to accompany me on this arduous trip and abandoned her friends to do so.

"Yes...I'm sure..." I replied. "We've got a couple of extra rooms for guests...for family...friends..." I pointed out. Dom smiled at me.

"Friends?" she questioned. I smiled at her. She had become a friend to me. A good one.

"Friends..." I confirmed. 

The limo arrived and we got out and the driver helped me collect our luggage. I was anxious to see Brian and opened the door.

"Hello?" I called out. No one answered but I heard the television and knew they were here. The car was in the drive. The driver set the luggage in the foyer as Mia came walking in from the living area. 

"Roger!" she said and then stopped when she saw Dom. She eyed her with a mix of curiosity and suspicion. 

"Mia...this is Dominique Beyrand....my publicist and friend..." I explained. Mia seemed to relax hearing this. She walked up and extended her hand to her. Dom smiled and shook her hand.

"It's nice to meet you Mia...Roger has said great things about you..." Dom told her. 

"Thanks..." Mia responded. "Sorry...I'm just a bid on edge..." Mia told her and then glanced my way. "He's in the bedroom..." Mia informed me. I nodded understanding.

"Mia...could you show Dom one of the guest rooms while I go see Brian?" I asked her. 

"Of course..." Mia replied and smiled. "Are you hungry? Can I get you something to drink?" Mia asked her politely as I rushed up the stairs to find my husband. I arrived at the double doors and pushed it open. I found Clare seated in a chair that had been moved up near the head of the bed. She looked up at me and appeared tired and stressed. She looked relieved to see me as she stood up from the chair.. 

"Brian..." I said quietly as I stepped in the room and closed the door. I saw the outline of my husband in the bed; with the comforter pulled up to his chin. A mass of curls on the pillows was I all I could see until I got around to other side of the bed. He began to shift under the blankets and I finally saw his face as he sat up. He looked terrible. His hair was disheveled and he was pale. I was prepared to scold him about leaving the hospital but my heart didn't have it in me as I watched him burst into tears at the sight of me.

"Roggie!" he cried out and I went over as Clare moved the chair. I sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled him into my arms. He was sobbing and I held him tight and stroked his tangled hair.

"I'm here babe..." I told him in a whisper and pressed a kiss to his head as he shuddered in my arms. "I'm here...."


	11. This Is Where We Are Today...People Going Separate Ways - Part 5

24th February 1983

Los Angeles CA

Roger's POV

The doctor from the hospital called and advised his head scan was clear. He may have not injured his brain but something seemed broken. I finally got him calmed down and he went to sleep after being up to make sure he didn't have a concussion. When I was sure he was out I closed the bedroom door behind me. I headed downstairs and found everyone but Clare at the kitchen table eating lunch. When the kids saw me they both went to get up from their chairs.

"Papa!" they both shouted and barreled up to me. I squatted down to catch Jimi in a hug and Tiger Lily wrapped her arms around my side.

"Hey...." I told them as I pressed them close and shared a kiss. "Missed you..." I said and got them herded back to their seats. "Finish your lunch..." I encouraged them. They both went to their chairs and I smiled at Dom and Mia.

"How is he?" Dom asked. I ran my hand into my shirt and rubbed my shoulder. Not sure how to answer and not wanting to say a lot in front of the kids.

"He's asleep and the doctor called and said his scan was clear...no damage..." I answered. They both looked relieved. I went to the refrigerator and Mia got up.

"I can make you something to eat...you look tired..." she told me. I was tired and grateful for her offer.

"That would be brilliant....thanks..." I replied. I shuffled over and slumped down in a chair. Dom stood up and walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a container of juice. She poured a glass and brought it to me. 

"Thanks..." I said and she smiled as she slid in next to me. She leaned close.

"Is he really okay?" she asked me and I shook my head. Dom is a perceptive person. She patted my shoulder. "If either of you need anything..." she offered. I smiled at her.

"Thanks..." I told her. "For now he needs to rest and I need to eat..." I answered. Mia was making me a sandwich and my stomach growled at the prospect.

As I ate my sandwich and crisps everyone else finished and Mia took the kids out to play in back garden and Dom got up and began cleaning the kitchen.

"You don't have to do that..." I advised her as she started loading the dishwasher.

"I'm happy to help..." she said with a warm smile. It was above and beyond the duties of a public relations agent.

"Be sure and add that to my bill..." I joked and she laughed as she rinsed the lunch dishes. I ate a few crisps and watched her move about the kitchen. It was odd to see her in this role. I was so accustomed to her being in meetings and interviews as a public relations consultant. Not being so domestic. I took the last bite of my sandwich and carried my plate to her. She took it from me and rinsed it as I set my empty glass on the counter. 

"I bet a shower would make you feel better..." she commented.

"I was just thinking that..." I replied and patted her arm. "Thanks again for coming and for your help..." I told her. 

"Of course..." she said sincerely. 

"I'm going to shower and see if Clare is up...I need to know exactly what happened before Brian wakes up..." I announced. "Are you good for now?" I asked her. She nodded.

"Yes...I thought I would go enjoy your little beach out back..." she replied. I was glad she was going to take advantage of our private patch of beach. I headed upstairs and slipped quietly into the bedroom. I peeled off my travel clothes and turned on the shower in our private bathroom. The warm water felt amazing and I realized I was aching from travel and the tension of the past 15 hours. I finished and wrapped up in a towel to go find some fresh clothes.

I found something in the dresser and pulled on one of the track suits Freddie had bought me along with a t-shirt. I stretched as I walked over to check on Brian. He was sound asleep and actually looked peaceful which made me calm. I ran my hand over his hair; hoping to give him comfort even though he was sleeping. My curiosity about what had transpired took over and I left our bedroom to seek out my sister.

\------------------------

Clare woke up and had a shower and I brought her a tray with hot tea and a sandwich Mia put together for me. I wanted some privacy to speak with her so I brought it to her room. 

"Tell me what happened Clare...because this seems bigger than just him getting too drunk and hitting his head..." I said as I sat on the end of her bed. She sipped her tea and looked as tired as me.

"I got a call around 2 in the morning from Fred Mandel...he said that Brian had drank too much and fell in the bathroom and hit his head...they think on the back of the toilet...and they were taking him to hospital...the ambulance was already there...so I got dressed and told Mia what was going on and then took a taxi to meet them..." Clare explained. 

"He was at Eddie's place...right?" I asked and she nodded and took another drink.

"When I got to the emergency room he was already in back and Fred was with him...he already had an IV and that spot on his head had been patched up since it had bled a bit..." Clare smiled a little. "He was still drunk and wouldn't stop asking for you..." she told me. "It was kind of sweet except that I know people were starting to wonder exactly who you were to him..." she commented.

"Did they recognize him?" I questioned. I wondered if they knew who he is. She nodded.

"Yes..." she confirmed. "He sobered up from the IV but was still being stubborn about getting his scan...and that is when I called you for help..." Clare remarked. "Fred had left and once you convinced him to get the scan they took him down..." Clare's face lost its smile. "But when he got back from the scan the doctor came in to see to his scalp cut and that is when the trouble started..." 

"What happened?" I asked. 

"The doctor point blank asked Brian if he was a homosexual..." she revealed and my eyes grew wide. Where did this come from?

"Why did he ask him that?" I questioned. 

"I guess he was told by the paramedic that Brian had asked for you and Fred had told me that Brian actually referred to you as his husband when talking about you..." Clare replied. I felt a little panicked hearing this. Worried about who might know now.

"Shit!" I responded. "And the doctor knew who Brian was?" I asked her again and she nodded.

"The doctor didn't say he knew who you were exactly...he just told Brian he knew who he was when he questioned whether he was homosexual and said it was confidential...but he needed to know because Brian was bleeding and the doctor had to treat his cut..." Clare explained. 

"Treat his cut?" I asked; unsure of what Brian being gay had to do with him having a cut.

"I guess it had to do with whether Brian might have AIDS..." Clare told me. My heart began pounding when she said this and I wondered what had transpired after he asked. "Brian actually told him he didn't have AIDS before the doctor used that term Roger..." she pointed out. "And don't worry...Brian explained it to me after the doctor left..." she advised. I was relieved I didn't have to go over the whole issue with Clare but felt terrible that Brian had to endure this while he was being treated.

"Did the doctor believe him?" I questioned. 

"He asked Brian some really personal questions about his sex life and got Brian believing he couldn't be sure whether he might have it or not...so the doctor put on all this extra safety gear before he would examine Brian's cut and give him stitches..." Clare answered in a subdued voice. I could imagine how seeing the doctor do that made Brian feel.

"Is that why he left the hospital?" I asked. 

"He let the doctor stitch his cut and Brian seemed a bit better....then a nurse came in to tell us the doctor wanted him to stay overnight for observation..." Clare said. "That nurse came in already dressed in the extra safety gear and the way she looked at Brian was horrible..." Clare seemed mortified. "She wouldn't come close to him and I know Brian felt like she was judging him..." she explained. "That is when he decided to leave..." I was grateful for the information and smiled at her. She yawned as she drank her tea.

"Thanks Clare...I'll let you get some more rest..." I told her. I got up and walked over and kissed her head. "Are you okay? Besides being tired?" I asked. She nodded to me as she picked up the sandwich.

"I'm alright...I just feel bad for poor Brian...he was in such a state and was doing better before all that AIDS stuff got brought up...." she told me. "I think the doctor could have handled it differently and not upset him the way he did...and that bloody nurse!" Clare grumbled.

"Well he's home and he's safe...and I'll help him sort out the rest..." I assured her. "Thanks for being there for him..." 

"Of course..." she said as I headed to her door. "Hey Rog..." Clare said and I stopped and looked at her.

"Yeah?"

"You don't think there is anyway that you or Brian have it....do you?" she asked me in a cautious tone. I had no way of knowing the answer. No one did at this point. There is no test. My gut told me we didn't so I went with it and smiled confidently at her.

"I am pretty sure we don't...and please don't worry about it...alright?" I requested. She nodded to me and took a bite of her sandwich and I left her room hoping my instincts were good.

\--------------------------------

I had just finished a cigarette when the telephone rang. 

"Hello..."

"Hey...is that you Roger?" they asked. "It's me Fred Mandel..." I was actually glad to hear from him. I thought he could shed some light on what happened to Brian.

"Yes Fred...I got here this morning..." I replied.

"I was calling to see how he's doing...the hospital said Brian had checked out..." Fred explained.

"He did...he's doing okay...his x-ray was clear and he's resting right now..." I told him. "I don't think he has a concussion..."

"That's good news!" Fred said and sound relieved. "I was really worried about him..." he commented. "I'm glad you're here as he was asking for you...I know he really wanted you when he got hurt..." 

"About that Fred...." I interjected. "What exactly did happen?" I asked him. Fred proceeded to relay the events of that night and mentioned the excessive drinking and that Eddie had given Brian his own bottle of bourbon to drink. That was pretty potent stuff and I understood now how Brian got so pissed.

"I told Eddie that Brian never drinks like that but he didn't know and Brian took the bottle when he offered it...sorry about the mess it caused..." Fred told me with a sense of remorse. I considered this Brian and Eddie's fault, not his.

"Well we both know Brian was probably too polite to turn Eddie down..." I said to make Fred feel better. "I appreciate you looking out for him Fred...I mean it..." I conveyed.

"Of course...hey...let Brian know I'm sorry and to give me a call when he's feeling better..." Fred replied. "I'll let Eddie know how he's doing...take care Rog..." 

"I'll let Brian know...thanks for calling..." I said and hung up. I now knew what I was dealing with and headed upstairs to wait for Brian to wake up.

Brian finally woke an hour later. I got him up and in the shower to freshen up. After checking his head where his stitches were and telling him not get his hair wet I went and found him some clean clothes to change into when he finished. After brushing his teeth and drinking a glass of water we took a seat on the sofa in our sitting area in the bedroom. Despite some sleep and cleaning up Brian still looked fragile and he practically crawled into my lap. I wrapped my arms around him and stroked his hair. 

"I know what happened at Eddie's and Clare told me what happened with the doctor at the hospital..." I told Brian. "I'm annoyed at you for drinking so much but I'm more sorry about what that doctor put you through..." I said and Brian looked tearful again. He sniffled a bit and then looked me in the eye.

"He thought I had AIDS!" Brian said in a trembling voice. I pressed him closer and kissed his forehead.

"But you don't have it Bri..." I replied instantly. "You don't have AIDS..." Brian pulled back and gave me an objecting glare.

"You don't know that for certain Rog!" he argued. I stroked his hair as I considered how to respond to him. To tell him something I hadn't mentioned to him yet.

"I've read everything I can get my hands on about it..." I confessed and Brian's eyes grew wide hearing it. 

"You have?" he questioned and looked intrigued. I nodded.

"Yes...at first I didn't think much of what we had seen...but after Freddie said he knew that man in England who died I got concerned...so I've been looking into it..." I explained. "And there isn't a diagnostic test yet but there are screening questions that give you an idea of the likelihood you might have it..." I told him. "And based on those questions I feel we probably don't have it Brian...so I need you to not worry about it....alright?" I requested. 

"But you can't say for certain we don't..." Brian continued to counter and I tried to hold my frustration at his insistence that he might have it. That I might have it. His face got emotional again and his eyes wet as he looked at me with complete anguish. "What if I gave it to Clare?" he whispered with fear in his voice. "Jimi...." he said as he folded himself into me. I held him tight and tried to figure out how to quell his growing paranoia about this. I wanted to kill that doctor for planting this seed in my husband's head. 

"Brian...I need you to trust me when I say that you don't have AIDS...and neither do I..." I repeated and rocked him gently as he gripped me. "Clare is fine and Jimi is fine and we are both okay..." I repeated to him and let him cling to me as I worked to convince him. We sat on the sofa as he cried softly and he eventually fell asleep again. I sat and held his head in my lap and wished I had never encouraged him to come out here without me. Wished I hadn't insisted on working on my album right now. My own fatigue was setting in and I felt myself starting to nod off when there was a knock on the bedroom door. I gently laid Brian's head down and slid off the sofa and went to the door. I opened it to find Clare standing there.

"I didn't want to bother you but Eddie Van Halen is here..." Clare announced. In hearing this I found myself wide awake and followed her downstairs to get my chance to take out some of my frustration on a guilty party. I arrived in the study to find Eddie sitting there holding a gift bag and looking remorseful.

"Oh hey! It's Roger...right?" Eddie said and stood and reached out his hand to me. "We met backstage at the Forum a while back..." he reminded me. I shook his hand but my anger towards him was growing as he smiled at me.

"Hi Eddie...yes...I remember..." I concurred. 

"So I came by to see how Brian is doing...I feel terrible about him hurting himself at my party and wanted to make sure he is okay..." he explained sincerely and held up the gift bag. "I brought him some chocolates...he told me he really likes them..." he said and seemed like an oversized kid. I had to remind myself he is quite a bit younger than Brian. Probably less mature. It made me realize that I couldn't get too upset with him. I wasn't much better at his age.

"Brian is resting upstairs right now and I don't really want to disturb him..." I explained. "His x-ray was clear and he doesn't seem to have a concussion...just the cut on his head which was stitched and a hard lesson in drinking too much..." I replied with a light smile. Eddie chortled in response and then seemed remorseful. 

"Sorry..." he said. 

"No it's okay..." I assured him. "I'm sure Brian will laugh about this someday..." I said. "He'll be fine..." Eddie relaxed a little. His smile returned as he looked at me.

"Speaking of laughing..." Eddie remarked. "I thought is was pretty funny when Fred told me that Brian calls you his husband..." he told me. "Is that because you spend so much time together?" Eddie questioned with a mix of mirth and curiosity. I wondered how to answer him. I know Brian really admires Eddie and likes spending time with him. I also know that hiding our relationship takes a lot of work and if someone is a good friend they should care about Brian's true self. 

"We do spend a lot of time together..." I confirmed to Eddie and he kept smiling at me. "In fact we live together..." I said to test the waters and watched his face for any recognition of what I meant. He seemed oblivious.

"Oh right...because Brian dates your sister...and they have a kid..." Eddie remarked back to me. 

"To be completely frank with you Eddie...Brian lives with me...not my sister..." I clarified. As Eddie was processing my statement the door to the study opened and Tiger Lily came inside. She walked towards me and looked curious about our visitor.

"Hey Tiger!" I said as she approached and eyed Eddie. I gestured towards him. "Eddie I'd like you to meet my daughter....Tiger Lily..." I said and he smiled widely at her. He reached out his hand to her.

"Hi Tiger Lily!" he said in a friendly voice. "That's a pretty name..." he told her. "You sure look just like your Daddy..." he commented as Tigs politely shook his hand. Tiger Lily got that look on her face that told me she was going to say something about his remark.

"I look like my Papa..." she informed him politely and looked up at me with adoring eyes. 

"Oh...she calls you Papa...that's sweet..." Eddie remarked. I smiled at him. 

"Yes..." I confirmed and Tigs leaned into my side. 

"When can I see Daddy?" she asked me. I noted a look of confusion on Eddie's face. 

"He's sleeping right now...when he gets up you can go in to see him..." I told her. "Maybe in an hour..." I estimated. "I need to speak with Eddie alone so could you please give us some privacy?" I asked her. She nodded and began walking from the room.

"It was nice to meet you..." she told Eddie politely and he waved to her as she disappeared. When she closed the door he turned to look at me and I knew he had questions. 

"I'm confused..." he said as I expected. "You said you were her father but she just asked about her father and you said he was asleep..." he mumbled as he tried to figure it out. I pulled my cigarettes from my pocket and placed one between my lips. I held the pack out to Eddie.

"Care for a smoke?" I asked him and he readily took it. I lit our cigarettes and then I took a seat in the chair next to his. "Eddie..." I began as I exhaled my first drag. "Tiger Lily was asking about Brian....because she calls him Father...." I explained. Eddie formed a smirk as he held his cigarette.

"You've got a lot of nicknames in this family..." he said with amusement. "Husband...Papa...Father..." he pointed out. 

"Just to clear up the confusion..." I stated. "Brian is my husband and Tiger Lily's Father..." I announced. "Brian and I have been romantically involved since before Queen was formed and we are raising my daughter together..." I said as casually as I could muster. I had to admit it was amusing to watch the wheels spin in Eddie's head as he absorbed what I had revealed to him. His face didn't register disgust; which was a relief. He just seemed frozen as he processed the news.

"Wait!" he finally stated and looked me in the eye. He pointed at me with his fingers clutching his cigarette as the lightbulb went off in his head. "Are you telling me you're gay?" he asked me. I smiled at him as I leaned over and tapped my cigarette in the ashtray.

"I believe that's the common American term..." I replied casually. "Queer, poof..." I began to say and Eddie cut me off.

"Queen!" he declared. "Shit!" he said at the realization of the band name. He laughed as he looked at me. His expression only showing amusement. "Well fuck me!" he said as he laughed again. "I thought Freddie was the gay one and that is why you're called Queen?" he questioned as he tapped his cigarette and looked blown away by the revelation. At least he wasn't glaring at me or being judgmental. He just seemed floored by it all. 

"Well...Freddie does like men..." I confirmed and winked at him. "I just like Brian..." I stated and Eddie laughed again.

"So...you're not kidding right?" he asked me. " You and Brian are really a couple?" he asked as he worked on his cigarette. He just seemed intrigued and not put off by it. I was glad.

"In all seriousness...yes..." I confirmed. "And I'm telling you because Brian really likes you Eddie and thinks you're a fine guitarist..." I explained. "And he was pretty shook up about what happened to him...and that is why he was asking for me..." I revealed. "He's had some traumatic experiences in hospital and when they said he had to go to one he freaked out..." Eddie looked sympathetic hearing this. 

"I'm really sorry about the bourbon I gave him...I didn't know he usually doesn't party like that...Fred told me later and I felt terrible..." Eddie said and I reached over and patted his arm.

"Brian was being polite and should have known when to quit...." I offered to him as a salve. "Just give him a beer next time..." I suggested. "Or a vodka tonic..." Eddie smiled in relief.

"I'll remember that..." he said and formed a curious expression as he looked at me. "I have to say that I had no idea about you two..." he confessed. "You hide it well..." he remarked as he took a drag. He suddenly got a massive grin on his face as he smashed the cigarette in the ashtray and laughed out loud.

"What?" I asked him; curious what was so amusing.

"You're the hot blond!" he said with delight and chuckled at me. "That night when that groupie tried to go home with Brian after my concert...he said he had a hot blond waiting for him at home!" he remarked with a gleam in his eye.

"Did he now?" I said back and felt a bit smug at the reference Brian made about me. Eddie leaned closer and winked at me.

"I have to admit...for a guy...you're pretty good looking..." he said and seemed a bit bashful. 

"My husband has good taste...." I retorted and Eddie chuckled again.

\----------------------------------

Eddie left and promised to stop by again tomorrow when Brian would be up for a visit. He was already coming up with ways to tease Brian about his 'hot blond husband.' It was nice to see him be accepting of our relationship and want to continue his friendship with my husband.

I worried about Brian's state of mind and found myself dialing our counselor's phone number back in London for some advice. Unfortunately I only got Mack's answering machine and left a message with our phone number here and to call collect. I fell asleep on the sofa in the study and woke from a gentle nudge.

"Here you are!" Dom said as she stood over me. "Brian's awake again and is having some food in the kitchen...he came down and said he was hungry..." she advised. I got up from the sofa and stretched a little. 

"That's good..." I said and followed her out to see him. He looked better despite his lopsided hair. Tiger Lily was seated next to him and was trying to fix his smashed curls. I could see she was wanting to make him feel better. 

"Hey!" I said as I came in and he looked up and smiled at me.

"Hi Rog..." he said as he finished his bite of sandwich. 

"Better?" I asked him and he nodded.

"Better..." he replied and took another bite.

\---------------------------- 

26th February 1983

We decided to go back to London in a few days and I called and got Brian an appointment with Dr. Roberts. I was hoping he could give Brian some reassurance about his AIDS concerns. I also left another message for Mack as he hadn't returned my phone call.

I walked out of the study to find Dom coming in the front door. She was carrying a large bakery box and a stack of newspapers and magazines. I came over and helped her by taking the box.

"Thanks..." she said and followed me to the kitchen. "I'm playing catch up on what is happening in the world of entertainment..." she remarked as she poured herself some coffee and sat down in front of her stack of periodicals. I guess being in public relations involved staying up to date on everything going on. She opened the bakery box and pulled out a cherry danish. I grabbed a coffee for myself and joined her as she paged through Variety. The sounds of guitars filled the room and I grinned at her. 

"Eddie came over with his guitar..." I remarked and Dom grinned as she took a bite of danish. 

"I'm glad Brian is feeling better..." she told me as she turned the page. I grabbed the copy of a local newspaper and opened it up. I put my glasses on and Dom smirked at me. I ignored it and began looking for any new articles about AIDS. Jimi came in and walked over to me.

"Papa...can I have one?" he asked as he pointed to the bakery box. Dom smiled at him.

"There's some doughnuts...help yourself..." she told him. I moved the box over and he grabbed a jelly filled one. 

"Thanks..." he said and took a bite as he disappeared into the living room. Dom watched him leave and wore a bright smile.

"Your kids are really sweet..." she remarked to me. "It's been fun to be around them..." 

"They're good kids..." I agreed. Dom took another newspaper as I flipped through mine and grabbed a chocolate covered doughnut for myself. We sat and ate and looked over the pages in silence.

"Merde!" Dom suddenly declared in French. I had grown used to her cursing in her native language. I looked over and found her staring at a page and leaned closer.

"What is it?" I asked. She pointed to a section titled 'The Daily Buzz.' It appeared to be a gossip column.

"L.A. is certainly the place to see famous music stars and this writer heard that our own local boy, Eddie Van Halen, was seen working in the studio with fellow guitarist and Queen band member Brian May this past week. Word on the street is that it was just for fun and that certainly carried over into the night as Eddie threw a raucous party at his home which resulted in a visit from an ambulance. Rumor has it the patient was Brian May and he was transported to a nearby hospital with a possible concussion!" Dom read out loud.

"How did they hear about this?" I asked and she shook her head as she looked over the page.

"Someone at the hospital or ambulance service probably leaked the story..." she remarked. 

"So much for confidentiality..." I grumbled. "I hope they don't tell anyone what else they might have learned about Brian..." I said to her and we shared a worried look between us. Suddenly concerned that someone might talk about us publicly.

"I'll keep reading..." she said and I found myself looking for more than AIDS articles as we tore through the news.

\-------------------------------

We decided to have a cookout on the beach that night and I lit the grill on the back patio. Brian and I cooked some steaks and grilled some shrimp. We felt terribly American and it was a nice distraction from the events of the past few days. Clare had turned the radio on and her, Mia and Dom were up dancing at the edge of the beach. Tiger Lily soon joined them but Jimi remained seated next to us. We men stuck together. Duran Duran's 'Hungry Like The Wolf' was playing. Dom came up to us and grinned at me. 

"You know that band has a good looking drummer named Roger Taylor..." she announced. I had heard this from a few people. 

"And how is that my problem?" I questioned as she took a seat next to Jimi. 

"Just might cause some confusion..." she advised me as Brian handed her a fresh beer. 

"I plan on keeping it clear that I am the only Roger Taylor worth knowing..." I replied. "I would hope as my public relations person you would help me achieve that..." I said wearing a playful grin. 

"Understood..." she said and saluted me like I had issued an order. We both grinned as she sipped her beer. The song ended and something I had never heard came on after it. It was terrible and I wondered how it managed to get airplay.

"What is that crap?" I asked out loud. Brian grimaced hearing it and I looked at Dom to see if she knew. Being all knowing about the music business. She rolled her eyes.

"It's Pia Zadora...." she announced. "She's an actress who is trying to develop a music career..." she advised. "It's a cover of 'The Clapping Song.' It was minor hit in the 60's..." Dom added. I made a scoffing sound.

"More like 'The Crapping Song'..." I remarked and Jimi giggled at me. "Why would the radio play that horrid song?" I questioned. Dom shrugged and smiled at Jimi's amusement.

"Radio Ca Ca!" Jimi declared. Dom started laughing and I wondered where he had heard the term 'ca ca.' 

"Good one Jimi!" Dom said to him as she ruffled his hair. 

"Did you teach him that?" I asked her. 

"Oui..." Dom replied in French and her and Jimi shared a knowing look between them.

"Oui.." Jimi repeated back to her. Brian seemed dazzled by our son learning another language.

"Impressive..." Brian remarked.

"I thought it might be good for him to learn all the bad words in another language..." Dom said sarcastically. "Since you've already taught him all the words in English..." she said with a derogatory look.

"Well shit smells the same in any language and that song stinks!" I told her and she gave me an endearing look. 

"Ca ca!" Jimi shouted and we all fell back in our chairs laughing.


	12. It's An Illusion - Part 1

There is a new point of view in this chapter.

1st March 1983

Los Angeles

Dominic's POV

It was fascinating to watch up close. I didn't care that Roger was involved with another man. These things never mattered to me. But I had never witnessed a relationship like theirs and I found it touching and sweet. Brian seemed fragile and Roger was so attentive and loving with him. And they were both so natural and affectionate with the children. Their children. It is so odd that they have kids. It wasn't something I had ever seen with other gay couples I know. How they managed to have them was something I was intrigued by. What I did know was that their relationship was definitely something to keep private. This becoming public knowledge would certainly damage their careers to the point of no return. 

Brian had been quite upset about the article printed about his accident and hospital visit. He worried that the people who had leaked the story had possibly revealed his and Roger's relationship to a reporter. I had scoured the newspapers and magazines and found nothing to indicate that was the case. I also placed a phone call to someone in London who was a trusted source of news and gossip surrounding the music scene in the UK and Europe. If anything was stirring she would know. Patti said she would check into it and to call back in 24 hours. The time had passed and I picked up the phone to call her.

"Patti Dunn..." 

"Hi Patti...it's Dominique...I was checking back in with you..."

"Hi Dom! I guess no news is good news...there is nothing in the papers here and I heard from a few sources they were aware of the story about Brian May but it didn't pass muster for any real interest here...so no one printed it..." 

"And there was no mention of Roger Taylor?" I questioned.

"No...just the story about Brian... and the usual stuff about Queen in general..." 

"Wonderful! Thanks Patti...I will take you to lunch when I get back..."

"I look forward to it...take care..."

"Bye..."

I hung up feeling confident no one had mentioned Brian's remarks to any news reporter. If they had it would be bursting all over the gossip pages by now. I couldn't wait to tell Roger and Brian and switched off the light in the study. It was late and I was certain everyone had gone to bed so I was quiet as I walked down the hall. I noticed a light in the kitchen and heard voices. I went to see who it was and then realized it was Roger and Brian. I prepared to announce myself but stopped and listened to them.

"I called Mum and told her we would be home for Jimi's birthday..." Roger said. "We need to put some plans together for his party..." he told Brian. I peered through the crack of the door and saw Brian leaning against the counter and drinking a glass of water. Roger was next to him and reached over and tugged at one of Brian's low hanging curls. A smile spread across Brian's face at the gesture. "It's a shame Jimi never really got your curls..." Roger commented as he played with the clump of hair.

"You never know...people's hair can change as they get older..." Brian replied and set his glass down and pulled Roger closer to him. "He's got too much Taylor in him..." Brian said and I remembered that Clare is Jimi's mother. I was impressed with how they had managed to create a cover for their relationship and went as far as Brian and Clare having a child to project the idea they are a couple. I would have to ask Roger about that when the opportunity presented itself.

"I guess we need to see if any of Jimi's schoolmates want to come to the party..." Roger remarked as he and Brian remained close to each other. "I'll check with Mia..." he added. Brian nodded as he sipped his water and then Roger took the glass from his hand and had a drink. "I'm going to invite Dom if that's okay with you..." Roger told him. I watched Brian's face and found him considering my invitation. I wondered if he still worried about the events from all those years back when I had asked Roger out. It wasn't a concern. I liked Roger a lot but was happy to just be his friend. I respected the boundary.

"Alright..." Brian answered as he took his glass back and finished the water. Roger smiled at his response. "I'm headed up..." Brian told Roger and I knew I either had to make my presence known or find a way to disappear. I decided to walk in the room.

"I thought I heard voices..." I said casually and they both smiled at my presence. "I just got off a call to London you might find pleasing..." I announced. They both looked interested and I conveyed the news about not finding any chatter about them in the press. Both seem relieved.

"That's a relief!" Brian said and smiled gratefully at me. "Thanks for checking...I appreciate it..." he told me. "I'm off to bed..." he announced and set his glass down.

"Before you go I wanted to say something to you both...as a friend and as someone who deals with pubic relations..." I replied. I had their attention.

"Go on..." Roger encouraged.

"You managed to avoid anything being said this time but the tabloids are getting more aggressive with finding dirt these days....I know you've seen some of the rubbish they print on a daily basis...but my sources tell me they want more information about celebrities and I want to caution you both to be more careful..." I warned. "You want to make sure the public has plenty of information about you both being in relationships with women..." I suggested. "Try and make an effort to be seen separate from each other when possible and with your female companion..." I gave them both a serious expression. "I know you have children but you need to work on presenting the illusion of separate lives and separate families...for your own protection...don't give them anything that would spark an interest in you..." I explained. I received grim looks in return.

"So what do you suggest?" Brian asked me. 

"Well for starters it seems like you two go everywhere together...." I answered. I had given this some thought and had looked at some of the photos of the group and of them separately that were published. "I know you have the scenario where Clare is your partner but Roger being with you most of the time doesn't present a solid enough picture of your supposed romantic relationship..." I said honestly. "Roger you really need to be seen more with dates or a regular partner..." I added. "And Brian you need to be seen with just Clare...not the entire family..."

"I try and go out with Jo when I can manage it...and when she is available...she's happy to be considered my girlfriend for the public's sake but her work has her traveling a lot..." he advised. I knew in the past there were regular pictures of them together and him mentioning her when pressed about his private life in interviews. It had dropped off in frequency.

"I know that worked for you in the past but you may need to consider someone else or just go on the occasional date with a woman you meet and make sure you are seen by the press...take her to high profile places..." I advised. "Brian...take Clare out on supposed dates in a similar manner...be seen dating somebody and away from your family life..." I encouraged.

"The idea of taking some woman out and trying to deal with her wanting more dates and having to dump her sounds miserable to me...and unfair to them..." Roger pointed out. I admired him considering the woman's feelings. I smiled at him.

"Well find yourself a new steady girlfriend then...since Jo isn't around..." I responded. Roger looked at me intently.

"You're single..." he reminded me and I laughed at the notion of being his cover. I noticed Brian didn't seem put off by his suggestion. I was surprised.

"You know about us and you've already been seen with him..." Brian chimed in. "And you'll be working with him until he finishes his record..." I had to admit it made sense. I know finding a suitable candidate for a cover is a tricky notion. You risked someone knowing and possibly not approving or even exposing them. 

"You can just bill me for your services..." Roger suggested with a wry smile. He sure is cocky at times! 

"I could almost call that prostitution!" I remarked and Roger chuckled at me.

"You've made the presumption I plan to sleep with you..." he countered and we both laughed. 

"Paid escort?" Brian offered as an alternative. It sounded nicer to me and I smiled at him.

"For now....I will do this...but consider finding someone else down the line..." I replied. "I may meet a man who puts you to shame Roger and need to cut ties with our 'so called affair...' " Roger just grinned at me.

"For now then..." he accepted. I looked intently at Brian. 

"You don't have a problem with this?" I asked Brian bluntly. He shook his head.

"I can't really..." he replied and looked at Roger. "It's what we have to do..."

\--------------------------------

7th March 1983

Los Angeles

Roger's POV

"Remember what I said?" I asked Tiger Lily. She nodded and looked at Dom and then at me. 

"Yes...we are pretending that you and Dom are boyfriend and girlfriend..." she told me and then put her hand over her mouth and giggled. Dom and I both smiled at her.

"That's right..." I told her. "So when we are in public together, we are playing this game...alright?" She nodded.

"Okay..." she replied. I opened the limousine door and got out at the curb of LAX airport. The driver was already handing our luggage to the porter. I held the door as Tiger Lily and Dom slipped out. We began walking inside and I took hold of Dom's hand and then Tiger Lily's with the other. Both Tigs and Dom were dressed in new outfits. Dom had taken her shopping to bond with her and make her more comfortable. I don't know who had more fun. They came back with quite a few shopping bags and Tiger Lily proceeded to model her new outfits for us all. She is such a little showman. Freddie would be proud. 

So now we are flying back to London and doing what Dom asked of us. Enhancing our illusion. I got us checked in at the reservation desk and we began the walk to customs. We were soon walking through the main concourse and I spotted Barbra Streisand ahead of us. The sound of high speed cameras could be heard as she was photographed with her entourage. I wondered if her being here would distract from us. The noise caught Tiger Lily's attention.

"Just ignore the people with cameras..." I told her and we kept walking as Dom slid her arm around mine. My daughter was sporting a junior version of my sunglasses and we both strutted through the terminal wearing our dark shades and looking aloof. Despite Barbra's presence we did get some photos taken of us. My daughter did well and we found our gate and took a seat in the nearby VIP lounge. Dom and I both had a cigarette as Tiger Lily walked over to look out the window at the incoming planes.

"Your daughter is a marvel..." Dom commented to me as we both watched her at the window. 

"She is a character..." I replied with a wry smile and Dom chuckled at me. 

"She carries herself well...she's mature for her age and confident...those are good things..." Dom pointed out. "And she definitely has your attitude and charm..." she said and took a drag from her cigarette. It was interesting to get her outside observations of the children.

"And Jimi?" I asked her. She turned to look at me. 

"That boy is really smart...but he is sensitive and tries to please people...he cares too much about what they think..." she observed. I was surprised at this depth of perception about such a young child she hadn't known long.

"Really?" I replied. "I've never noticed him being that way..." I commented. She leaned towards me.

"He is like Brian..." she said directly. "Definitely his child..." That made sense. Those are attributes of Brian, not Clare really. Clare is smart but she is more like me in not caring as much what others think of her. She is sensitive but is quite pragmatic. Brian's emotions can be all over the place.

"I don't find Clare to be that way..." she told me. I nodded as I tapped my cigarette over the ashtray.

"No she's not really...you're right...Jimi is a lot like Brian..." I agreed. "Interesting how each child turned out like us..." I said to myself. Dom heard me though and looked back over at Tigs.

"Two more little stars in the making?" she asked me. I shrugged. They both love music. Tiger Lily takes a greater interest. She has mentioned wanting to do a variety of things when she grows up but no one thing seemed to stick. Jimi hadn't really voiced his dreams; at least not to me. 

"Neither of them has expressed a real interest in becoming musicians..." I replied. "They are still so young..." I pointed out. Dom seemed to be considering something.

"In my opinion that child over there has the makings of a star...with her personality and looks...she would make it!" Dom commented. 

"Are you pitching yourself as her publicist or just making an observation?" I asked with humor. Tiger Lily came walking back over and slid her sunglasses up her nose just like I do. She's definitely got the attitude!

"For now...just making an observation..." Dom replied and we both smiled as my daughter climbed into her seat and leaned back.

\------------------------------------

27th March 1983

Surrey

Brian's POV

It was hard to believe my son would be 6 tomorrow. I parked the car and waited for him to get out of the backseat. He got the door closed and I took his hand and we walked into the office. I checked us in and we took a seat in the small waiting area. I had picked him up from school for his annual checkup and we had drove into London.

"At least you don't have to get any jabs..." I told Jimi as we waited to be called back. He seemed pleased to hear it. He doesn't care for shots. "When we finish we can stop for a treat..." I suggested. His face brightened at the idea.

"Yes please..." he responded politely.

"We're ready for you Jimi..." the nurse called to us. We got up and followed her back. After going into an exam room Jimi was weighed and his vitals were taken. I had never met this nurse before and found her sweet and attentive. It reminded me a little of Chrissie. She finished her work and placed the chart on the counter.

"It should just be a minute..." she advised and left the room. Jimi sat on the exam table and kicked his legs back and forth as we waited for the doctor. 

"Will Grandad be at my party?" Jimi asked and I smiled at him.

"Of course...Nana as well..." I answered. He smiled hearing this. "Your Gran and Trevor will get here tonight..." I reminded him. He nodded and kept kicking his legs. There was a quick tap on the door and it opened. Dr. Talbot came and and looked surprised to see me.

"Mr. May!" she exclaimed as she walked over to shake my hand. "It's nice to see you..." she remarked. I smiled back.

"I know it's been a while since I've come in...I'm gone a lot for work..." I said and it seemed a poor excuse for missing my son's regular checkups. She seemed to be amused.

"It's fine...you make it in more often that most fathers..." she pointed out. "You and Mr. Taylor both..." she told me. I felt better and she turned her attention to Jimi.

"So how have you been Jimi?" she asked him in a friendly voice as she picked up his chart. "I see you've really done some growing!" she announced and Jimi sat up tall with pride.

"I'm going to be as tall as my Daddy..." he informed her and I grinned at his confidence. Dr. Talbot patted his shoulder.

"You very well may..." she agreed and set the chart down as she began his exam. "How is school going?" she asked us both. I waited for Jimi to answer.

"I like school..." he replied and she was pleased to hear it. 

"His reports are really good..." I confirmed. 

"Wonderful!" she remarked and picked up the otoscope on the wall mount. "Let's have a look at your ears and I want to hear about what you have planned for your birthday..." Dr. Talbot stated. I had liked her from the first time we met. When she was there to reassure us as new parents with Tiger Lily under those tragic circumstances. We had lucked out in finding a doctor who accepted our family and provided compassionate care. 

Jimi told her all about his plans and we left with a glowing report on his health. I had Jimi's hand as we walked from her office and got on the lift. "How about some ice cream or would you prefer a visit to the sweet shop?" I asked him and pressed the button for the lobby. He seemed to be mulling over his decision as the lift door opened and a familiar face stepped inside.

"Chrissie!" I exclaimed with delight at seeing her. She formed a warm smile and looked up at me.

"Brian!" she replied. "Oh my goodness....how long has it been?" she declared and we exchanged a brief hug and a sentimental expression. 

"I can tell you for a fact it has been 6 years because his birthday is tomorrow..." I answered. Chrissie's attention turned to Jimi and he gazed at her with curiosity. She beamed at the sight of him and pressed her hand to her breast.

"Would you look at him!" she remarked with adoration and smiled widely as she looked him over. She then gazed up at me with affection. "Brian...he looks so much like you...." she commented. "And someone else..." she said in a low voice. I knew she meant that he looked like a Taylor as well and appreciated her discretion but also credit to Jimi's maternal line and to Roger. "Happy Birthday Jimi..." she told him sweetly. He remained curious.

"Who are you?" Jimi asked her as he looked at us both.

"Jimi....this is Chrissie....she was there when you were born..." I replied. 

"Are you my Mum?" he suddenly asked her and I felt my heart rate shoot up at his question. I hadn't realized that my words might invoke him asking about this. Thank goodness she is aware of our situation. Chrissie remained relaxed and just smiled at him.

"I'm not your Mum Jimi...I just helped to bring you into the world..." she told him in a gentle manner. "I used to be a midwife..." she explained and I was surprised to hear her speak of it in the past tense. "A midwife helps a family when a baby is being born..." she told him so he would understand what that meant. "Like a nurse or doctor..." Jimi was processing her words and then simply nodded to her. I felt maybe his question had passed.

"Do you know my Mum?" he asked next. Jimi had never asked before about his mother and I wondered where this was coming from. Chrissie glanced at me and I felt uncertain about how to proceed. I decided this wasn't the time or place for this topic. 

"Jimi...let's talk about this when we get home...alright?" I suggested. He looked up at me with his blue eyes and I could see the question remained as he nodded agreement.

"Okay..." he said quietly. 

"Chrissie...it was lovely to see you again..." I told her and we shared a warm smile.

"You too Brian..." she replied. We rode in silence as I considered how to proceed with Jimi's question. We knew at some point he would ask but I had let it go over time and now we were facing it. The door opened and Chrissie stepped out and we exchanged a small wave as we walked through the lobby. I felt Jimi tug on my arm as we reached the building doors.

"Can we go please?" he asked and gestured at the McDonalds across the street. It was lunchtime and I figured it was his birthday so I nodded agreement and began to walk that direction. I saw Chrissie watching us and felt the impulse to invite her.

"Want to join us?" I asked her and pointed at the restaurant. She looked for a moment in the direction of McDonalds and then turned and nodded to me with a broad smile. Chrissie walked over and we went to the crossing together. We went in and I got Jimi a Happy Meal and offered to get Chrissie's food. We took our orders and found a seat by the playground. Chrissie politely asked Jimi about his birthday plans as we ate and I noticed how long her hair was. I was used to her always wearing it up for work and she had it parted in the middle and brushed out. It was beautiful. She almost looked the same except I noticed a sense of sadness in her eyes. Jimi finished his food and abandoned us for the playground. I could watch him from our booth so I let him go as I took the last bite of my fish sandwich.

"You've done a beautiful job with him Brian...he's lovely..." Chrissie commented as she pushed her tray aside. 

"Thanks...he's a sweet child..." I remarked and sipped my cola. A young woman approached the table and I knew she had recognized me. 

"Are you Brian May?" she asked meekly. I smile and nodded and prepared to sign an autograph as she held up a pen and napkin. "Could I trouble you for an autograph?" she asked.

"Sure..." I replied and took the paper and pen from her. Chrissie watched as I signed and dated it and handed it back. I noticed the fan look at Chrissie with curiosity but she didn't say anything.

"Thanks..." she said shyly and walked away. I noticed Chrissie watching her leave.

"Do you ever get tired of it?" she asked me. "Being recognized? Signing?" she questioned. I didn't mind. 

"Not yet..." I replied honestly. "Most of the fans are pretty nice and respectful..." I commented. 

"I'm glad to hear that...especially when you're out with your children..." she remarked. I nodded agreement.

"We've not had any problems..." I said and hoped that remained the case. 

"So is your family situation still the same?" she asked me carefully as she eyed people nearby. I appreciated her discretion.

"Yes...I am still with the same person..." I replied to confirm I was still with Roger. 

"And how are you?" I asked back. "How are you and Dr. Roberts?" I questioned. I noticed Chrissie reach for her ring finger as I asked and noted the absence of her wedding ring. 

"We aren't...anymore..." she replied in a subdued voice. I felt terrible hearing this and my heart hurt for her. She had formed an embarrassed smile and moved her left hand up into her hair. 

"Oh Chrissie!" I said with compassion. "I'm sorry to hear that..." I told her and immediately reached over for her hand. She accepted it and her smile seemed more genuine. 

"Thanks..." she said and then shrugged as she moved the hand from her hair and placed it in her lap. Clearly still feeling the weight of it as she looked down at her hand. I gently squeezed the hand I was holding.

"It's not my business what happened, but if you need to talk..." I offered. She looked up at me and forced a small smile. She then shook her head and then made a huffing sound.

"There's not much to tell..." she answered. "I think we rushed into things when we married and we are just too different...and we want different things in life..." she revealed as she looked at me with a more contained expression. "It was just a mistake..." she confessed. I felt terrible that it hadn't worked out.

"Can I ask if you had any children?" I questioned in a careful voice. She shook her head and then pulled back some of her hair with her hand and tucked it behind her ear. 

"No..." she confirmed. "It was never the right time for either of us and then it was something that came between us..." she said frankly. "Both of us too focused on our work and not enough on each other..." she explained. "In the end we just drifted apart and there wasn't enough there to make it worth saving..." 

"I'm sorry it didn't work out...for either of you..." I told her and she nodded agreement.

"Me too...we parted as friends...but it still stings a bit..." she said. We sat in silence for a moment and both turned to watch the children playing in the enclosed room. Their innocent and carefree lives and everything ahead of them. They weren't burdened yet with all the problems of the adult world and played with abandon.

"Do you still work?" I finally asked her to stop my own head from filling with worrying thoughts. 

"I haven't for the last few years...but now that my divorce is going to be final I want to get back to it...I've only done some volunteer work..." she advised. I was glad to hear she had plans.

"You are an exceptional caregiver..." I assured her. "I hope you find something that fulfills you and makes you happy..." I said and she smiled widely at me.

"Thanks Brian..." she said and turned back to watch the children as she pulled her hand from mine.

Chrissie needed to go and I gave her my business card with my private number written on the back. I collected Jimi and we headed for home. He seemed to forget about the question regarding his mother and I appreciated having the time to talk to Roger and Clare about it. We arrived and Jimi dashed from the car looking for Winnie and Trevor since their sedan was in the drive. I went in and found him getting hugs and kisses from his grandparents. I got my own from them and looked around for Roger.

"Where is Rog at?" I asked them. 

"He's in his office..." Mia advised me. I walked down the hall and found him seated at his desk reading something. He looked so serious in his glasses and I smiled as I walked inside. He was holding a piece of paper and had a pen in his other hand.

"We're back..." I announced and Roger looked up and smiled at me. 

"Hey...how did the doctor go?" he asked. I came over and sat on the edge of his desk.

"Good...he's healthy...no problems..." I answered. Roger looked relieved and pulled his glasses off. "I finally got more words for that song idea..." he told me. I wanted to look it over but we had more pressing business.

"We do have something that came up..." I told him and he grew curious. 

"What is it?" he asked as he leaned back in his chair and looked at me.

"He asked about his mother..." I advised and Roger's face registered alarm.

"Oh!" he responded and set his glasses on his desk. "How did this come up?" he questioned. I explained running into Chrissie and how we had explained how she knew him. I repeated the conversation we had in the lift as he listened. 

"I guess we need to sort out how we handle this..." he remarked. "I guess we should have expected this by now..." I nodded agreement.

"Yes..." I concurred. "Do you think he is old enough to understand?" I asked Roger. He sighed as he ran his hand across his chest and slid it into his shirt. His normal response to having to consider something. I waited as he worked through it. 

"Do you?" he finally asked me. I shrugged. I wasn't sure he would understand it all at 6 years old.

"He's pretty bright and is mature for his age but this is a complex matter..." I reminded him. Roger nodded agreement and sighed again. I wondered if we should have Clare join us for this conversation. "Should we have Clare in here?" I questioned. Roger picked up his phone and called Clare in her private quarters.

"Clare...can you join Brian and I in my office? It's about the Mommy talk..." Roger advised her on the phone. He listened and then hung up. "She's on her way..." he told me and then appeared curious as he tapped his pen on the top of his paper. "You haven't seen Chrissie in ages...how is she?" Roger asked me.

"She's divorced..." I responded and Roger's face registered surprise. 

"What happened?" he questioned. 

"She told me she felt they married too quickly and were just too different and grew apart..." I explained. "It sounds like it wasn't meant to be..." I suggested. 

"Did they have any kids?" he asked and I shook my head. I felt bad for Chrissie missing out on being a mother. 

"No...she said it just never was the right time and then it was over..." I answered. "I feel bad that she lost her chance to be a mother..." I confessed and Roger looked sympathetic. 

"She is a caring person...I'm sorry things didn't work out for her and Dr. Roberts..." he said sincerely. There was a light knock on the door and I assumed it was Clare as the door opened. Roger and I were both taken aback when Jimi peered around the door.

"Hey little man!" Roger said with a smile as he stood up and walked over to our son. "Daddy said your checkup went well..." he told him as he picked him up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Jimi looked at him with an inquisitive face.

"Who is my Mummy?" he asked him and then looked my way. "Where is she?" he asked. We were both silent as we pondered how to answer and it felt so ironic that Clare came through the door at that moment.


	13. It's An Illusion - Part 2

27th March 1983

Surrey

Roger's POV

It was moments like these when I wondered if having Jimi was such a great idea. I love him as much as Tiger Lily but the way we brought him into our lives has created a mess. We had hoped that Jimi asking about his mother would come at an older age. One where he could better understand the whole story and be able to grasp why part of his family dynamic had to remain a secret. But there is nothing to do but deal with the situation at hand.

Brian and Clare and I looked at each other and I finally made the first move.

"Have a seat and we can talk about your Mum...alright?" I told him. He climbed into a chair and kept his eyes on us as we all got seated. "We are going to be honest with you and try to answer your questions..." I advised and gave a look to Brian and Clare that indicated this was the best policy. 

"Who is she?" he asked again. "Where is she?"

"I'm right here Jimi...I'm your mother..." Clare blurted out. Jimi's eyes went straight to her and his mouth hung open a little.

"You are?" he asked her with disbelief. She smiled and got up from her chair and went and knelt down in front of him. She placed her hands on top of his knees. 

"I am Jimi..." she confirmed. I could see a million questions forming in his eyes as Jimi stared at her.

"If you're my Mum, why do I call you Aunt Clare?" he asked first. Clare looked up at Brian for a moment and then me and then turned back to Jimi. I trusted her to say the right thing. I knew Brian did as well.

"Jimi...I am your Mum but I am a different kind of Mum..." she told him. "I know you have some friends at school who live with their Mum or both their Mum and Dad and they raise them...but I am the kind of Mum that had you so your Daddy and your Papa could have a baby of their own.." she said in the simplest term. "So I carried you in my tummy and kept you safe while you grew big enough to come into the world...and then when you did come into the world, I gave you to your Papa and to Daddy to love and call their own..." she said to him in a tender and caring way. We all sat silent and waited for him to process what she said. You could see the wheels turning in his head and I felt bad that it was so much information to take in.

"You can't be my Mummy if you're my Aunt..." Jimi questioned.

"I am your Mummy because I carried you and gave birth to you...but I am your Aunt because your Papa is my brother..." she tried to explain to him.

"How did I get in your tummy?" he asked her. I knew this part was going to be tricky and I decided to intervene at this point.

"You are too young to understand it all...but you are made up of part of her and part of Daddy and that is what makes you...you..." I explained. "Those parts came together and you grew from that inside of her until you got big enough to be able to be born..." Jimi was listening intently and I tried to choose my words carefully. I felt Brian place his arm around my shoulders and found comfort in it.

Jimi reached out and touched Clare's face and then looked down at her stomach. I knew in his little May brain he was already trying to deduce it all despite his young age. Brian patted my shoulder and I turned to see him get up and walk over to one of his bookshelves.

"Hang on..." Brian said and we all watched him pull out a photo album. "This might help..." he announced as he walked over to Jimi and sat down next to him and showed him the album. "Here are some pictures from when Clare had you in her tummy..." Brian told him and opened the album as Jimi leaned over to look. I had forgot about all the pictures he took when she was carrying him and was suddenly grateful for them. 

What I wasn't happy about was the fact that I stood aside and watched Brian and Clare and Jimi look at the photos and begin to reminisce about her pregnancy and felt almost like an outsider. I really wanted a cigarette and fought with the notion of lighting one as they talked. I ignored my craving and kept my eyes on Jimi to see his reaction as they told him how he was born. 

"Are you my sister's Mum?" Jimi asked Clare. My heart clenched at the question. Clare shook her head and formed a sad look.

"No sweetheart...." she replied. "Tiger Lily's mum died when she was a baby..." Clare looked up at me as she spoke. Unsure what else to say. Before I could add to her statement Jimi asked another question.

"Are you my sister's Daddy?" Jimi then asked Brian. This was a tricky question and Brian and I quickly looked at each other. Uncertain how to explain it in a way he could understand.

"Tiger Lily came from me..." I finally declared. Jimi looked up at me with confusion in his face. "She came from me and her mother..." I clarified. "She calls Brian her Daddy because he has been in her life since she came to live with me when her Mummy died..." I advised him. "Just like I have been in your life and you call me Papa..." I explained. I felt bad that we were throwing so many things at him. His little face almost seemed bewildered. I wondered how else we could put things to make it easier for him. 

There was a light knock on the door and then it opened up. Tiger Lily came inside and smiled at us all.

"I wondered where you were..." she said and immediately noticed the atmosphere of the room. "Is something the matter?" she asked as she focused on Jimi. I forget how intuitive she can be and she clearly knew something was up.

"Did you know Aunt Clare is my Mummy?" Jimi announced to her. I could see recognition of this dawn on Tiger Lily's face. Like she was remembering the fact after having forgotten it. She walked over towards Jimi and he pointed at the photo album. "Look at this!" Jimi remarked and Tigs stood next to him and looked down at the album.

"Do you remember when I was pregnant with him Tiger?" Clare asked her with curiosity. Brian flipped some pages.

"Here you are painting her tummy..." Brian remarked as he showed her the photo. Tigs looked at it and a bright smile appeared on her face.

"I do remember..." she mumbled as she shoved Jimi over to sit next to him and began looking at the album. "You took care of us when Jimi was a baby..." Tigs commented as she looked through the pictures. "Then Mimi came along..." Tigs recalled. She turned to Jimi and smiled at him. "We're lucky Jim Jim..." she told him with affection. "We've got Papa and Daddy and Clare and Mimi...and Gran and Trevor...and we've got Nana and Big..." she explained to him. I found her sentiment to be true and Brian and Clare and I shared a warm smile after she said it.

"It doesn't matter who you came from Jimi..." I finally spoke. "What matters is who you have taking care of you and loving you..." I explained. "Tigs is right...you are lucky to have so many..." I said. 

"And it doesn't matter what you call us either..." Brian chimed in. "Whether it's Daddy, Papa, Mum, Clare, Mia or Mimi..." Brian stated.

"Or Brimi!" Tigs added to his list. We all chuckled at her remembering calling Brian this when she was quite little. Brian beamed at her and nodded.

"Or Brimi..." he concurred. "What matters is that you have a family...one that loves you very much and will always be there for you..." he assured him. Jimi formed a smile as we explained this to him. He seemed to grasp the most important thing and I felt better seeing it.

"So does that answer your questions?" I asked him. Jimi's face looked just like Brian's as he seemed to analyze everything and determine if he was satisfied. He was too advanced in his thinking sometimes for a child of five. Well; six as of tomorrow. 

"Yes..." Jimi answered. "Kevin wanted to know where my Mum was..." he suddenly revealed. I know Kevin is a child in his class at school. "And I didn't know what to say..." he confessed. I felt bad that we had failed to give him enough information to deal with these situations at school. I couldn't help but be reminded of Harold's warning all those years back that we were making a mess for ourselves by having children.

"You can tell him you do have a Mum..." Clare assured him. 

"Or you can tell him it's none of his business..." Tigs suddenly declared and formed an imperious expression. "That's what I tell people when they get too nosy..." she remarked. 

"Do you now?" I replied and almost laughed at her adeptness in handling prying people. Brian and Clare both looked amused at her suggestion.

"Well I'd tell them to fuck off like you would...but Mimi said it is rude..." Tigs informed me and I practically fell out my chair laughing.

\-----------------------------------  
14th May 1983

Monaco

"Gentlemen....welcome to the the Grand Prix!" 

I was headed back to Montreux to resume some recording for my solo album but was sidetracked by an offer from my old friend Rick Parfitt. He had managed to get us invited as VIP's to the Grand Prix race in Monaco. They were wanting some younger people from the entertainment industry to attend to attract some new blood to racing and we were the ideal candidates. I couldn't turn down the chance to see this race in this locale. Rick had been before and raved about it to me. I was soon on a plane with Crystal to meet him there.

We got up this morning and had breakfast at the hotel and headed off for our day of fun. Rick announced at breakfast that a film crew would be following us for a while as they were making a promotional film about the event. I was fine with it and figured it was a chance to be seen on film hanging out with someone besides Brian and possibly chatting up some women. Taking heed of Dominique's advice. 

Today was preview day and the qualifying races had ended. We got our VIP passes and were soon plodding about the staging area checking out the cars. Rick guided us to the Toleman Group area since they were British. We were introduced to their chief mechanic, John Mardle, and he showed us one of the race cars. It was impressive to see up close and I mentioned having driven a race car on a closed track once. He was showing me the engine when the driver appeared from their trailer. 

"Roger...this is our driver....Derek Warwick..." John announced. "Derek...this is Roger Taylor...from Queen..." I smiled and shook his hand. Excited to meet him. He was an up and coming driver in Formula 1 and had been on this team a couple of years. He was younger than me and was a good looking man. We talked about the aspect of driving a street circuit since the race in Monaco was on the city streets. He was interesting to chat with and I admired his passion. Derek was a good host and had us drinking some champagne as we looked over the car.

The film crew was there for part of our visit and returned to see if we would be headed down to the marina to see the yachts and enjoy the hospitality. We bid the race team goodbye and took off on foot.

"I think I could live here..." Crystal commented as we strolled along the pier and watched the film crew shoot clips of Rick mugging for the camera. 

"Oh yeah?" I asked. "Why's that?" I questioned as I sipped on a cocktail I had been handed by a lady on a yacht we had passed by. Crystal gestured at the yachts and the crowd of people milling about. 

"Everyone is offering us free food and drinks...and the weather is warmer than home...and have you seen all the topless sunbathers out today?" he remarked and directed my gaze towards a yacht with several attractive women tanning themselves on the deck face up with their breasts on full display.

"So I see...all it takes to lure you in some free vodka tonics and some tits?" I asked him. He chuckled in response.

"Absolutely..." he replied. Rick found the yacht for the owner of the Toleman racing team and we were invited aboard. It was a fantastic boat and Ted gave us a tour. When we got settled to have a chat on the deck, the film crew did some cursory shooting of it and then advised they were heading down the marina for some other shots. We were relieved to be finished with them and spent some time talking rock and roll and racing with our hosts.

The team had some interviews so we left and resumed our promenade through the marina. I really liked these boats and pondered the idea of buying one for myself. I just didn't have a place to dock one. We encountered some fans who stopped us for autographs and pictures. It was a leisurely way to spend the afternoon. We returned to the hotel and changed to attend a VIP party that evening.

\-----------------------------

"This party has gone stale..." Rick commented as we sat at a reserved table and worked on our drinks. "Let's go..." he suggested. The event had become a bore after a few hours. The drinks were good but it was mostly a bunch of ultra rich people congratulating themselves on being wealthy and being here. I emptied my drink and we got up and headed for the exit. 

"Let's get some fresh air..." I suggested. We left the party and headed out to the plaza where a lot of people were walking and taking in the sights. After strolling for a few blocks we happened upon a row of busy bars. We went in and Crystal went to order us some drinks. Rick and I looked around for some seats.

"Are you Rick Parfitt?" someone asked with a British accent. Rick turned to see a young man looking at us with a look of elation on his face.

"I am...." Rick confirmed proudly. "And you are?" Rick asked him back.

"Ian Palmer...and I am a huge Status Quo fan!" he announced and then glanced at me with a smile. "And a fan of Queen as well....you're Roger Taylor!" he remarked. "It's my lucky night!" he declared. "Can I have the honor of buying you two a drink?" he requested. Rick and I shared a quick look between us. Ian seemed eager but harmless.

"Sure! Why not?" Rick replied. Ian gestured towards a large table that held a few other people. 

"Please....come join us!" he offered. Rick began following him and I gestured to Crystal at the bar. We went over and were introduced to his friends. They were all young Brits in town for the Grand Prix. They were charming and friendly and we got comfortable and got to drinking.

\----Nine hours later----

"You can make your call now..." the uniformed man gestured to me to come to his desk. I stumbled over and slumped down in the chair and picked up the phone. I was thankful I knew the phone number as I got the operator.

"En anglais s'il vous plais...." I requested in the small amount of French I knew. There was a click.

"Operator...how may I direct your call?" 

"I need to make a reverse charge call to London please..." I explained and gave her the phone number and my name. I noticed the guard watching me as he stood in the doorway and kept a stoic look on his face. The phone began to ring after a moment and I waited as I held my face in my hand; already dreading the hangover that was quickly taking over my body.

"Dominique Beyrand..." 

"This is the operator with the Monte Carlo Police and I have a reverse charge call from Roger Taylor...will you accept the charges?"

"Yes..." she replied. I knew she would and felt relieved as the operator dropped off the call. "Roger? Are you alright?" she immediately asked with concern in her voice. I sighed.

"I've been arrested..." I replied and ran my hand over my face to try and clear my head. 

"For what?" Dominique instantly asked in shock and disbelief. 

"Public intoxication...." I answered. "I was arrested about five hours ago...along with Crystal and Rick Parfitt...." I explained. That estimate seemed about right. 

"You weren't driving were you?" she questioned.

"No...we were picked up on foot..." I replied and hoped she didn't ask for the particulars. "I'm calling because we need money to pay the fine and be released..." I told her. "Can you contact Jim Beach and make the arrangements?" I requested. 

"Why didn't you call Jim?" she asked next. It was a reasonable question.

"Because I could only remember your phone number...my phonebook is back at the hotel..." I explained. 

"I guess I should be flattered..." Dom said to lighten the moment. I smiled despite my aching head. "Let me make some calls and I will arrange for your release..." she answered. "Let me speak to the officer..." she requested. I was so relieved to know she would handle this. 

"Thanks Dom....you are a lifesaver...and please bill me for the inconvenience..." I suggested. She laughed lightly in the phone. 

"Just try and behave until we can get you released..." she told me. I saluted her even though couldn't see me.

"Aye aye captain!" I said back and handed the phone to the officer. 

\----Four hours later----

"Still think you could live here?" I teased Crystal as we were herded from our cell out to the release desk. The answer I got was him flipping me off and Rick and I laughed despite feeling like shit. The benches in the cell were not comfortable and we all needed some real sleep.

We arrived at the desk and one of the officers we had encountered last night was there watching us as our personal effects were returned to us. He wore amusement on his face.

"Here are you effects Mr. Taylor..." he said in a business like manner. I took the envelope from him and confirmed it was everything they had confiscated. "I trust we will not find you gracing our cells in the future?" he asked me as I slid my wallet into pocket. I nodded and tried to form a remorseful look on my face.

"No...it won't be a problem.." I confirmed as I stepped back to let Rick get this belongings. Crystal and I stood against the wall as Rick signed for his things and then we heard the sound of the metal door releasing. A guard escorted us to the reception area and I was thrilled to see Dom standing there holding a briefcase and waving to us as we approached. I was impressed that she came and how quickly she arrived. They advised us we were free to go and we walked over to her.

"Dom....thank you so much for doing this!" I told her as I pulled her in for a grateful hug. "I really owe you for this one..." I remarked as we parted. She looked subdued and gestured at the exit.

"We need to go...a condition of your release is that you leave Monte Carlo immediately..." she advised us. My face soured at the news. We would miss what was left of the Grand Prix.

"I guess we're off to pack up and leave..." I told Rick and Crystal. We were disappointed but the others thanked Dom for the rescue and we took a car she had waiting outside back to our hotel. We collected our things and checked out and were soon on a private plane out of Monaco. Crystal and Rick fell asleep as soon as we took off. I was wiped out, but felt obliged to stay up for Dom's sake. She had bothered to arrange bail and safe passage for us.

"I hope we didn't mess up any business affairs for you..." I told her as I took a seat next to hers on the plane. She smiled and shook her head.

"You caught me on a good day to need rescuing..." she commented as she sipped a cup of coffee. I laughed lightly at her and smiled.

"Good..." I said and leaned back in the chair as she watched me. 

"I know you were limited on phone calls at the police station and we were rushed leaving the hotel....did you plan to call Brian when we arrive in Montreux or tell him when you get home?" she asked me. I gave her a dubious expression.

"To be completely honest...I was hoping we could just keep this to ourselves..." I told her with a hint of my embarrassment. I knew if he found out about this I would hear about it for ages. Dom grinned at me and leaned forward in her seat towards me.

"I can keep your secret..." she responded. "But you never told me exactly what you did to end up in jail...." she remarked. I know I really looked embarrassed now and her grin widened.

"I guess I owe you that much..." I told her and peered over to make sure Rick and Crystal were still asleep. "We got pretty wasted at a bar as some bloke was there for the race and wanted to buy us drinks..." I explained. "We had been playing some drinking games and were feeling fairly competitive when we left the bar..." I couldn't help but smile as I replayed what I remembered in my head. "So that competitive streak continued as we headed back to the hotel...and our night ended with a contest to see who could urinate the furthest..." I confessed. Dom formed a look of amusement.

"So your pissing match ended in a pissing match?" she said wittily and I instantly laughed.

"It did!" I agreed and tried to keep my noise down. "Rick was the clear winner by the way..." I clarified. "He's got amazing aim!" I commented. She smiled at me and there was a mirth in her eyes. I found it nice that she was charmed by our antics and not annoyed. 

"So I take it this contest occurred somewhere between the bar and the hotel and was in public?" she questioned. I nodded as I picked up a bottle of water to have a sip.

"Yes...." I confirmed. "And it happened to be witnessed by a pair of policemen...." I advised. "For some reason they weren't impressed..." I joked and formed a wry expression. 

"You're lucky Roger...they could have charged you with indecent exposure..." she pointed out. "A serious offense..." She was right. I guess we were lucky.

"That's true....we are lucky..." I replied. "Even luckier that one of the officers was a Queen fan..." I added with a wink.

Dom and I began talking about my solo album and my goal of when I might finish it. We had already confirmed with Freddie and Deacy that Queen would return to the studio in late August to work on our next album. Everyone had enjoyed the break but were feeling the itch to do something together. I needed to get my work completed before mid July when I needed to be back for Brian's birthday as well as my own.  
\------------------------------------

21May 1983

London

Brian's POV

"You look silly..." Tiger Lily told me as we looked through some photos taken several years back. I was organizing all the photos during my time off and she was helping me with it. Or maybe hindering me because she made me stop constantly to answer questions about the pictures. She found one taken at some party where I was obviously drunk and my mouth was half open and my eyes were half shut. I smiled as I tried to remember when this was. Sometimes it seemed a blur.

"Yes...I was feeling pretty silly..." I replied and shuffled the photo into a stack of ones I may want to discard. She handed me another one. 

"You are so tall Daddy..." she told me as I looked at the photo of me walking in a railway station in Japan. I did seem like a giant as I stood amongst the Japanese people. I also looked incredibly skinny and it annoyed me.

"Yes poppet....tall and skinny..." I replied. She gave me a funny look.

"You're not skinny...you're just you..." she told me. I was amused to hear her use a phrase on me that I often used with others. I smiled at her.

"Yes...well...I am me...but I wish sometimes I wasn't so skinny..." I confessed. Tigs seemed curious as she watched me.

"How can you not be skinny?" she asked me. 

"That is a good question...." I replied. That was a question I had pondered for a while. I envied these men with more solid bodies and defined muscles. They looked healthier and had more vigor. I found the same with women. Clare and Roger weren't too skinny and always appeared to glow. It was brought home to me even more when the next photo proved my point. There I was with my husband as he looked wonderfully fit yet soft in all the right places. I found my face pointed and lean and my chest practically exposing my ribs. It showed exactly what I didn't like about myself. Roger seemed so well rounded physically and I envied it. Something came to me and I got up from the table in my office and walked to my phone. I double checked the time to make sure it wasn't too late.

I dialed the number and waited for an answer. 

"Hello..."

"Hey Eddie....it's Brian...." I announced. "I was wondering if you could help me with something..."

"Sure...what's up?" he asked.

"How do I set up a home gym?"  
\------------------------------------------

25th May 1983

Montreux

Roger's POV

'Can't believe what you hear....Don't believe what you read'

'Hard to see what you need these days....  
Can't believe that it's true  
You know we had so much to do  
How come you treat me this way....  
Hey - you  
Why don't you play by the rules  
Play by the rules  
You - just  
You must take me  
Take me for some kind of fool'

I gestured to Dave to cut the tape. He stopped it and I sighed. Unhappy with my vocal performance.

"What's the matter?" I heard Rick ask from the booth. 

"Didn't you hear me butcher that last bit?" I asked him as I reached for my glass of water. I had been doing vocals for a few hours and wondered if it was time to call it a day. 

"You sounded great in here mate!" Rick replied and shared a confused look with Dave. I took a big sip and gargled it in my throat and swallowed. I shook out my arms and let out a noise as I tried to loosen myself up. I felt off for some reason and needed to refocus.

"Let's try it again..." I told Dave and he nodded as he readied the tape. Then I saw him then lean over and answer the telephone. 

"Roger...it's for you...it's Dominique..." Dave announced. I wondered why she was calling. She was knee deep in promoting David Bowie's new release. He had blown up the charts with 'Let's Dance.' This was quickly becoming his year and I was glad I had not released an album right now. Didn't want to compete. I walked into the control booth and picked up the phone.

"Hey Dom!" 

"Hi Roger....I know you're busy but I was wondering if you were free for dinner tonight?" she asked. I was curious.

"I plan to work but I'll make time for you....where should I meet you?" I asked.

"How about Le Bon Vin at 8?" she suggested. "I can get a reservation..." 

"Sure...I'll see you there..." I replied and hung up the phone. 

"What did she want?" Rick asked as I walked over to stole his lit cigarette and took a drag..."

"I don't know...but I guess I will find out..."

\------------------------------------

Dom was already seated when I arrived and I was shown to the table and handed a menu. Dom was wearing a dark pink silk pant suit that flattered her immensely. She looked lovely and I leaned over and kissed her cheek as I got in my chair.

"You look nice..." I commented as the waiter poured me a glass of wine. Dom smiled at me as she sipped her own glass.

"Thank you..." she replied. I quickly surveyed the menu and made a decision.

"I'll have the special..." I informed the waiter. He took the menu and disappeared as I lit a cigarette and got comfortable. "It was a nice surprise to hear from you...I thought you were swamped with Bowie at the moment?" I questioned. 

"We flew in for David's son's birthday...it's on the 30th..." she responded. That made sense. "I wanted to see you because I wanted to ask you a favor..." she advised. I did owe her and smiled at her. 

"Sure...what do you need?" I asked as I took a drag from my cigarette. 

"As you know there have been several photos of us printed in newspapers and magazines and speculation made that we are dating..." she stated. I nodded agreement. This is what she had suggested to help Brian and myself. 

"Yes...your plan is working..." I agreed. She smiled at me and then seemed a little subdued. I was beginning to wonder what she was getting at. "You needed a favor?" I reminded her. She nodded.

"My birthday was last month and I was in America with David so I missed celebrating with my family..." she explained. "My mother is insisting she at least get to see me for a lunch or dinner...and I said yes...but she saw the photos of us and wants you to come so she can meet the man I am dating..." she revealed and looked almost regretful in telling me this. 

"You didn't tell her it was just for publicity?" I questioned as I sipped my wine. She remained guilty looking and ran her hand into her hair almost like Brian does at times. 

"I normally would have...but here is the thing..." she responded and let out a mournful sigh and pulled her hand from her hair. "I got divorced from my first husband a long time ago and haven't had a serious partner since then..." I was surprised to learn she had been married in the past. "My mother has been on me to find someone and settle down again..." she explained. She formed a funny look on her face and proceeded to do what I presumed was an impression of her mother. "You know you're in your thirties now and almost past your prime!" I smiled at her performance. I know how mothers can be and patted her arm in support. 

"I can hear my mother saying the same thing to my sister..." I said in response. Dom looked at me earnestly. 

"I really want to keep her off my back...so I was wondering if you could come along and just humor her for the time being?" she requested and looked at me with hopeful eyes. I could appreciate how painful these types of situations are with parents. And I did owe her a huge favor. I smiled at her.

"When is our date with Mother?"


	14. It's An Illusion - Part 3

26th May 1983

Surrey / London

Brian's POV

"I really like that fill..." I told Gary, the drummer. "Let's run this again..." I suggested. I turned and looked at Mack who nodded approval and I smiled at his encouragement. Mack leaned over and pressed the button on the tape machine and we began again.

It felt kind of wild to be a producer for another group. I had been flattered when Jim Beach contacted me to advise that Polydor records had a new heavy rock act and asked if I was interested in producing some tracks for them. They liked my work and knew Queen had self produced a lot so they offered and I accepted. I needed something to do as I was growing restless being away from music. I had called Mack in Munich for some advice and he told me he was free right now so he flew over to sit in with us. It helped me with my confidence and actually improved my relationship with Mack. We had been at odds when we first met but now we seemed to understand each other better. I liked working with him and he let me steer the session. 

This was my third day in the studio with Heavy Pettin. They are from Glasgow and I enjoyed hearing their accents. Since my mother is Scottish it felt a bit like home. We got acquainted and began work on the backing track for a song titled, 'Shout It Out.' I felt we were close to getting the best possible sound and wanted a few more takes that Mack and I could use for mixing. When we completed the run through I checked the clock and saw it was about time for a planned visit.

"Do you want to call it a day?" I asked the group over the intercom. The men all nodded as a few lit some cigarettes and started packing up their things. They came through and we agreed to a start time for the next session and they left. I walked them out and said goodbye and returned to the studio. I resumed my seat and got busy with Mack at the mixing board. About 20 minutes later the door to the control room opened and Tiger Lily came bounding in.

"Hey poppet!" I said as she came over to me. She stopped when she saw Mack and stared at him. They had never met before. Jimi arrived next and was a bit shy as he stepped in the room. Mia and Clare were right behind him. 

"Mack...I'd like you to meet Tiger Lily...." I announced. He smiled at her.

"It's nice to finally meet you...I've heard a lot about you..." Mack said to her and she smiled in return.

"You're from Germany....right?" she asked him. He nodded at her.

"Yes...I work with your parents in Munich..." he confirmed in his distinct accent. I appreciated Mack referring to Roger and myself as parents. I gestured towards my son.

"This is Jimi...." I announced and gestured for him to come over. He hesitated a little but was coaxed by Clare so he walked towards us.

"Jimi...can you say hello to my friend Mack?" I asked him politely. He stared at Mack and then finally spoke.

"Hi...." he said quietly. 

"Hello Jimi..." Mack replied. "I've heard about you too..." he commented. Jimi's gaze moved over to the mixing board and his eyes grew wide with curiosity.

"What is that?" Jimi asked as he pointed at the board. I realized he had not been around a studio that much and wasn't familiar with it. Mack and I both swiveled around in our chairs and I gave Mack a look to take over and show him.

"This is our mixing board...." Mack began to explain as Jimi walked up to it and got a closer look. "It is where we put everything together to make a song..." Mack stated as he pointed to some of the knobs and levers. I quickly introduced Mia and Clare and Tiger Lily climbed into my lap as Jimi stood and listened to Mack explain what you can do with the board. 

"Show me..." Jimi requested. I gave a nod to Mack who smiled and seemed to get an idea.

"Alright...give me a minute..." he responded. He pulled out the tapes from Heavy Pettin and placed a different tape on the player. He started it up and reached for the volume lever. I instantly recognized the tape of my recording of the Star Fleet theme. I watched Jimi to see if he would know what it is.

A massive smile broke out on my face when Jimi whipped his head around and looked at me open mouthed and surprised. 

"It's Star Fleet!" Jimi exclaimed. Mack and I shared a look of amusement at his recognition.

"It is!" I confirmed. "It's that recording I made with my friends..." I reminded Jimi. He was enthralled hearing it and then gave me a frown. 

"Where's the words?" he asked me. I hadn't done any vocals on it. It was just the jam from my session in L.A. . 

"There aren't any..." I explained. His frown grew deeper. 

"Can you sing it?" he requested. Mack looked at me for direction and I shrugged.

"I guess we can put a vocal on it..." I answered. "It was done just for fun..." I commented. Jimi bounced on his feet at the prospect. I couldn't deny him so I patted Tiger Lily on her side to get her out of my lap. She climbed down and I got up. "I think I remember all the words..." I remarked as Mack smiled at me.

"We can just do a run through for now..." he told me. I nodded and looked at Jimi.

"Do you want to come in with me or watch from here?" I asked him. He looked at the mixing board and then back at me.

"I'll watch from here..." he answered. I grinned at him. Enjoying his eagerness to see what I do for a living.

"Alright then..." I responded. I opened the recording booth door.

"I'll go..." Tiger Lily told me me. 

"Come on then..." I said and held the door as she went in and I fell in behind her.

I soon had my headphones on and was going over the lyrics in my head from the end credits of the show. I stood at the microphone and gestured at Mack to start the tape. Tiger Lily sat on top of a large amplifier nearby and watched me. I began to listen and started singing what I could recall. We had played the song faster than the original theme was and I tried to pace my vocal accordingly. I soon realized I needed to do something about these words as they didn't completely fit my instrumental. Then it occurred to me I might want to actually make this into a real record.

\-----------------------------

29th May 1983

Paris

Roger's POV

It was a beautiful day and the sun was out so Dom and I decided to walk the few blocks from our hotel to the restaurant where we were meeting her mother. I had been to Paris only a few times and when on tour it was a whirlwind visit. Dom was nice enough to point out things of interest to me as we strolled the pavement and crossed the street to a place called 'Culliere Coeur.' 

"This is it..." Dom announced and I walked up and opened the door for her. I had dressed for the occasion and wore a new suit I purchased a few days before. We had gone shopping and found a fantastic grey and white checked suit. I really liked the cut and style of it and it only needed some slight alteration. We had picked it up this morning and I wore it with a black shirt and some new leather loafers. Dom had worn a brown silk pantsuit that showed off her figure and her chic sense of style. I hoped her mother would think us a nice looking couple.

The small restaurant was busy and I admired the natural light from the large windows and the linen table cloths as Dom checked on our table. The maitre' d began walking us towards the back part of the room. I placed my hand on Dominique's back as we walked. There was a table by the windows and I knew the woman seated there had to be Dominique's mother. She was an older version of her. Just as beautiful but with magnificent silver hair. She smiled widely at us as we arrived at the table.

"Dominique!" she exclaimed and appeared elated as she stood up and shared a kiss with her daughter. They both began speaking in French and I just stood and smiled. I did catch Dom asking her to use English for my benefit. Something else was said in French that was followed by them both laughing. I was certain it was about me but kept my friendly composure as Dom grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to them.

"Roger Taylor.....this is my mother...Yvette Beyrand....(*)" I smiled and her mother leaned over and kissed my cheek. I did the same back and we parted wearing smiles.

"It's lovely to meet you Roger...." she told me as she looked me in the eyes. 

"It's nice to meet you as well..." I replied. Dom seemed happy as I stood and waited for them to get seated and took an empty chair next to Dom. The waiter appeared and Dominique ordered drinks for us in French. I saw her mother eyeing us both and I slipped my hand over Dom's as it rested on the table. She smiled at me.

"Go ahead and decide what you want before I interrogate you..." Yvette said in a teasing manner. I laughed at her remark and looked down at the menu. It was in French but I knew enough to figure out what the choices were. Dom watched me and I pointed to the lamb dish. The waiter brought our drinks and took our food order and I had a sip of my wine as I saw Yvette prepare her arsenal of questions.

"Alright...I'm ready..." I told her and leaned back in my chair to indicate I was at ease with her doing this. She leaned forward and laced her fingers together. It was apparent she would enjoy this. 

"You are in a music group....yes?" she questioned. I nodded as I reached for my cigarettes and opened the packet.

"I am....I'm a drummer for a rock band called Queen..." I informed her. I lit my cigarette and then offered one to Dom. She declined and so did her mother. "I also sing and I write songs...and right now I am working on my second album of my own material..." I explained. She seemed satisfied.

"And you are successful?" she asked. I took a drag from my cigarette and exhaled sideways as I answered.

"Yes...Queen has been very successful...." I confirmed. "I've made a good living as a musician..." I generalized as I felt it wasn't her business exactly how much. I am sure she had already ascertained some of this from her daughter or from the newspapers.

"Dom told me you have a daughter...." I smiled at her but felt a twinge inside at just being able to acknowledge one of my children. I pulled out my wallet and fished out the photo I carry of my daughter.

"I do....her name is Tiger Lily....she's eight..." I explained as I handed her the picture. Yvette looked at it and then me and handed it back. 

"She is definitely your child...she is just as beautiful as you are handsome..." she remarked. 

"Thank you..." I said politely. 

"You are divorced?" she asked me casually as she picked up her wine and sipped it. 

"No...I wasn't married to her mother...Tiger Lily was a surprise and her mother and I weren't together when she was born...she has since passed away..." I told her to avoid any further questions about my marital status. 

"I am sorry to hear that..." she said with sympathy. "So your daughter lives with you or other family?" she questioned. 

"My daughter lives with me..." I confirmed. "I have a nanny and my sister also lives with me..." Yvette seemed pleased to hear this.

"That is lovely that you care for her yourself..." she replied. "It speaks well of you..." she remarked. Dom smiled hearing her mother's opinion.

"I love my daughter...she is very important to me..." I assured her. "I also have a nephew who lives with me as well...he is like a son to me..." I informed her. I felt compelled to mention Jimi and Dom reached down and squeezed my knee as I spoke.

"You seem fairly grounded for a pop star...." Yvette commented. The waiter appeared carrying a tray and set down a large plate of meat, cheeses, fruit and savory biscuits. He placed small plates in front of each of us and disappeared.

"I've enjoyed myself...but I try to be responsible..." I said and tried not to smirk as I recalled my recent arrest. I focused on plating some of the appetizer.

Yvette continued to ask questions about myself as well as how I met her daughter. I was fairly honest in my answers as our food courses were served. My lamb dish was delicious and so was the wine. I had found this encounter pretty easy to manage and we were all relaxed and enjoying each others company. Dom and I both talked about the ski trip we went on and our work together on my solo music career. It felt pretty believable and we were at ease as we spoke.

The time arrived to end our lunch and the waiter arrived to check on us. I gestured to him.

"I'll have the bill please..." I said quietly. He nodded and handed me the check. Yvette gave me a congenial expression as I produced my credit card and handed it to the waiter. He returned and I signed for our meal and pocketed my card. Dom and Yvette were chatting in French as I took the last sip of my wine. Yvette stood up and we did also. She smiled at me as she collected her handbag.

"Roger...it has been a pleasure to get to know you..." she told me as she stepped towards me and we shared a chaste kiss. I was a bit surprised at her forwardness but she is French so I accepted it graciously and smiled back.

"I've enjoyed this myself..." I agreed as Dom wrapped her arm around her mother's and we began walking from the restaurant. The front door was opened for us as I slid on my sunglasses. I felt like we had successfully charmed her mother and I wore a satisfied smile as we stepped out in the afternoon sun.

"Are you going back in the morning?" Yvette asked us both. I nodded to her.

"Yes...I'm afraid I need to get back in the studio...I'm on a deadline..." I explained. She nodded understanding and leaned in and kissed her daughter. She then let go of Dom; who walked to my side and I wrapped my arm around her. Wanting to seem natural together. Yvette smiled at us both.

"I like you Roger..." she remarked in her pronounced French accent. "You make a good pair..." she told us. I squeezed my arm around Dom and smiled at her. Pleased she was happy. I knew Dom would be.

"Dom is a charming woman...." I replied. "A lot like you..." I said and gave her my best smile. It seem to strike the right chord with her. I then noticed Yvette was looking at us with a level of expectancy. I wondered what it was about but then felt Dom turn towards me and press her lips to mine. I was surprised by her action but knew we needed to keep up our ruse. I kissed back and leaned into it. Wanting it to seem natural and genuine. It wasn't bad at all. I did enjoy it. We parted quickly and Yvette waved goodbye as she walked over to a waiting car.

"A bientot!" she told us as she got in the back. We waved and watched her drive away. Dom was smiling widely as we began our walk back to the hotel. 

"That seemed like a success..." I remarked. Dom appeared pleased and nodded.

"Yes...I think so...." she said and then looked at me with regret.

"Sorry about the kiss..." she told me. "I could tell she was expecting it and I went with it..." she advised. I shrugged it off. 

"It's alright..." I replied. "No harm done..." I said and smiled at her to reassure her it was fine. We were silent for most of the walk. I was taking in the sights and she seemed to be pensive about something. We reached the hotel and we stopped at the desk as she checked for any messages. She had a few and we headed upstairs. She was reading one when she smiled and looked up at me.

"Nicholas called..." she announced. "You met him when we were skiing..." she reminded me. I nodded. I did remember him. We had an engaging discussion about nuclear matters.

"Yes..." I replied. "He was the one who was talking about nuclear energy..." I added. She smiled at me.

"That's right...he's in town for the week and wondered if we were free for dinner..." she advised. We hadn't made plans but did have an early flight in the morning. 

"As long as we aren't out too late..." I told her. 

"I'll give him a call..." she replied and seemed excited about our plans.  
\--------------------------------

18th June 1983

Surrey

Brian's POV

I had started the ball rolling on actually making an album with my recordings from the sessions in Los Angeles. I called Jim Beach about the legal issues related to doing this since it involved Eddie and some other people who were tied to different record labels. He said he would get someone on it for me. I also was getting in touch with the man who wrote the theme song to Star Fleet. Paul Bliss was his name and Jim was tracking him down for me as well. I was growing excited at the prospect of putting out a solo record. It wouldn't be a full fledged album but it was something. I had mentioned it to Roger in our last call and he was happy for me. He was engrossed in finishing his record since we had decided to start work on a new Queen album soon. I tried not to bother him too much right now but I do miss him. He called yesterday but I let the children speak to him for most of the time. 

I had finished my work with Heavy Pettin and Mack had flown back to Munich. I was making some notes in my planner and looking over our calendar in my office at home. Roger said he would be back before my birthday so I was thinking of some things we might do to celebrate. I jotted down several ideas and grew excited at seeing him again and having some time alone.

I stopped and rubbed my hands across my biceps. I had started lifting some weights with Eddie's encouragement and they were sore from my workout. I groaned as I tried to dig into the tissue for some relief. I was interrupted by my phone. I dropped my hands down and sighed as I picked it up.

"Hello..." 

"Hi Brian...it's Chrissie Mullen..." she announced. I was surprised to hear from her. It had been months since I ran into her.

"Hi Chrissie!" I replied with a smile. "How are you?" I asked.

"I'm doing okay..." she answered. "I've been trying to find some new things in my life to occupy me..." she advised. 

"I'm glad to hear it..." I responded. "What have you found?" I asked with interest.

"I've started volunteering for a youth shelter in London..." she answered. "They house homeless and runaway teens..." she explained. "I work in their clinic to give basic medical care and help them get referrals if they need further treatment..." I was impressed with her benevolence.

"That's an admirable way to spend your time...good for you..." I told her. 

"Thanks..." she replied. "I'm actually calling because of the shelter..." she told me. "I hope you don't consider it too forward...but I was wondering if I could ask for you to donate something for a benefit we are holding..." she explained. 

"I'd be happy to..." I answered. "What are you looking for?" I questioned. "I can get you some autographed items from the band..." I suggested. 

"Really?" she said in disbelief. "That would be marvelous!" she exclaimed. "We're trying to drum up some excitement for a dinner and auction and anything would help..." she advised. 

"Give me the details and I will see what I can get you..." I said and jotted down the name and address of the shelter and the deadline for needing the items. She sounded so enthused and I felt good that I could make her feel better. She had seemed so deflated when I saw her.

"I'm glad you are doing better...and the shelter is lucky to have you..." I remarked as we finished with the details. I had taken her phone number in case I had any questions.

"Thank you..." she replied. "This means a lot to me and I knew you would help us out...you are such a kind and decent person..." she said. I was touched by her words. 

"It's a wonderful cause..." I replied. "And I will always be happy to help you any way I can..." I said with gratitude. 

"I'll wait to hear from you then..." she said. "Goodbye..." she told me and we hung up. I rang the line for Clare to see what she could arrange with the production office. She wasn't there and I left a message for her. I hung up and leaned back in my chair. Feeling good about being able to do something for Chrissie. I smiled as I got up from my chair and noted the time. I needed to collect the children from school but had an errand to run first. 

\---------------------------------

I pulled into the empty spot near the bookshop and went inside. I needed something new to read and went straight for the new releases shelf. I scanned the titles and wasn't very inspired but a smile formed on my face as I saw a new book in the children's section. It was a new title from Roald Dahl. 'The Witches.' I glanced over the back cover and decided to get it. I liked his other work and thought it was something I could share with the kids. I went and paid for it and headed out. I was thirsty and went inside the little shop near where I parked. I thought I would surprise the kids with some Cokes and grabbed three of them from the cooler. I walked up to the counter to pay and noticed the rack of magazines and newspapers. There was the usual array of red top papers; the tabloids. I scanned them out of habit to make sure I saw nothing related to myself or Queen. I was relieved as I found nothing. The new Melody Maker was out so I grabbed it and paid for my items.

I arrived at the school and had some time before school let out. I sat in the car and opened my drink and enjoyed a large sip. I picked up the magazine I purchased and began to flip through it. David Bowie was the cover story. His newest album was dominating the charts and he was really enjoying some major success. 

I scanned the photos of some of the newer pop acts and felt a little old as I saw their youthful faces. I sighed as I flipped the pages. The cover had referenced a feature about RUSH and I was looking for it as I came across their small gossip section. It was usually just candid photos of music stars and sometimes a hint of speculation about their activities. I saw a picture of Elton at a party and one of the lead singer from a new act with an unusual name - Kajagoogoo. The photo that caught my eye was one of Roger. It was of him and Dominique. It wasn't the first time a picture of them had been published. We had been doing what Dom suggested and making sure there were opportunities for the press to get shots of us with our supposed female companions. I had recognized the occasions with previous pictures but this one was new to me. I read the small caption to find out what it was from. 

'Queen member Roger Taylor looking cozy with companion Dominique Beyrand at a club in the city of love - Paris - May 1983.' 

They were in Paris? Last month? It was the first I had heard of it. I had spoke to Roger several times this month and he made no mention of seeing Dominique. He certainly hadn't said anything about a trip to Paris. I felt my stomach churn as I looked over the picture again. The caption was right. They did seem cozy and it was an entirely believable image of them out together as a couple. What were they doing in Paris and why hadn't Roger mentioned it to me? I hated the feelings of jealousy and mistrust that swelled inside me. Why had I bought this bloody magazine? I tossed it over into the passenger seat and ran my hand through my hair. I took a deep breath and looked up to see that classes were being let out. I sighed heavily as I opened my car door and proceeded to head over to greet my children.

I stood at the back of the group of parents and nannies as the kids came pouring out of the front doors. I was happy for the distraction as I looked out for Tiger Lily and Jimi. The children were noisy and in good spirits as they were greeted by their rides home. I spotted Jimi and waved. He saw me and headed my direction. I glanced around for signs of Tigs and then saw her linked arm in arm with her best friend. Lulu saw me first and told Tigs who then looked up at me.

Jimi reached me first. "Hey....how was your day?" I asked him as he adjusted his schoolbag on his shoulder. He smiled at me.

"It was good....we did numbers today..." he announced. Jimi liked school so far and no one subject they had covered seemed to be a problem for him. I patted his head and smiled at him.

"Do you have any worksheets?" I asked him. He held up one finger.

"Just one..." he advised. Tiger Lily arrived with Lulu and they both beamed at me.

"Hi Daddy!" Tigs said sweetly. 

"Hello you two..." I said back. "How are you today Lulu?" I asked her friend. 

"Fine...thanks..." she replied. I looked around for Lulu's nanny and didn't see her.

"Don't forget Lu is coming with us...." Tigs reminded me. I had forgot we had arranged a playdate after school. I nodded and gestured towards the car.

"Oh right...let's go then..." I told them. We got in the car and I realized I had only purchased two other bottles of Coke. I felt bad as Jimi saw them and reached for one.

"Are these for us?" he asked. 

"Yes...though I'm afraid I forgot that Lulu was coming home with us today....sorry..." I said as Tiger Lily took her bottle. She shrugged at me.

"She can share with me..." Tigs informed me. She pulled off the cap and handed the bottle to her friend. 

Thanks Mr. May..." Lulu said politely. I smiled at her as they climbed in the back seat together.

\----------------------------------

We got home and the girls disappeared upstairs. Jimi sat at the kitchen table and wanted to get his worksheet completed. I sat with him to see what his instructions were and he had it figured out. I went upstairs to find some paracetamol as my arms were still sore and I had a mild headache forming. I heard music coming from Tiger Lily's room and hoped they were doing their homework. I took my pills and then went down to my daughter's bedroom. The door was ajar and I found it was empty. I smiled as I realized she had a record playing and it was our album, Sheer Heart Attack. 

'Where have they gone?' I wondered out loud as I checked the other bedrooms. I reached Roger's bedroom and heard some noise and opened the door. The noise was coming from his closet so I went in and opened the door to find Tiger Lily standing there with Lulu. They had some of Roger's clothes laying about on the floor and Lulu was wearing one of his old stage outfits. She had put on his satin cream colored cropped jacket and a pair of his sunglasses. Both were too big on her but she seemed to love wearing them. Tiger Lily was standing there in Roger's red and black striped blazer. It seemed more like a dress on her. She had on a pair of glasses as well.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked them in a firm manner. They were not supposed to be in his room; let alone his wardrobe. 

"We're playing rock star!" Tiger Lily responded and flipped her long hair and gave me a confident look that reminded me of Roger. I wanted to be cross with her because she was in here without permission. I needed to reprimand them both. A smile formed on my lips though. They both looked so cute. I suddenly wished Roger was here to see them.

"You shouldn't be going through Papa's things without his permission..." I said to them and Tiger Lily pulled off her sunglasses and looked up at me with those long lashes and piercing blue eyes.

"Sorry..." she said but didn't sound very sincere. Lulu seemed a bit regretful and she went to pull off the satin jacket. I felt bad for ruining their pretend game.

"Hang on..." I said and stopped Lulu from removing the jacket. "I want to get a picture before you take it off..." I confessed. Tiger Lily grinned as I left the room and went to get my camera from my bedroom. I rushed back with it and found them preening in front of the mirror.

"We're ready!" Tiger Lily announced. I pulled off the cap and eyed them through the lens. Both of them started vamping about and I laughed as I took a few pictures. I finished and got them to take off the garments and hang up the things they had left scattered on the floor. The girls returned to the bedroom to do their homework and I went inside the room I share with Roger.

I sat down on the sofa and started thinking about the picture of him and Dominique from earlier today. I hated the feelings it stirred up inside me. I decided I needed to resolve my problem so I reached over and picked up the phone. I decided to take a chance and see if I could reach him. I dialed his hotel in Montreux and took a deep breath. There was no answer. I hung up and considered calling the studio. It was probably where he was. Where he should be right now. He had left home to work on his album. I instantly felt annoyed that he had taken a trip while away from home. And with her. I then realized he had taken a trip with her last time he was away from home. They had gone skiing together when he abandoned work on his record. 

Unwelcome ideas bubbled in my head and I picked up the phone again and dialed the number for Mountain Studios. I waited as the phone rang and tried to come up with what I was going to say. Ask him. It finally answered.

"Mountain Studios....this is Dave..."

"Hi Dave...it's Brian May..." 

"Oh hi Brian!"

"Is Roger there?" 

"Yeah...hang on a minute..."

I sat and fumbled over the words I would say to him and waited for Roger to come on the phone. It got picked up and I felt a little panicked.

"Sorry Brian...he's busy at the moment and says he'll call you back..." 

For some reason it felt like a rejection to me. I swallowed before answering. But then a touch of anger swept through me.

"Tell him not to bother..." I said and hung up the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - *I could not verify Dominique's mother's name so I made one up.


	15. It's An Illusion - Part 4

*** Watch for changes in the POV in this chapter. 

18th June 1983

Montreux Switzerland

Roger's POV

I finished my track in the studio and decided to call it a day. I had been fighting a headache since morning and finally gave in to it. Dave was wrapping things up as I grabbed my bag and found Crystal. "I'm heading out..." I announced. 

"Don't forgot that Brian May called for you..." Dave told me as I went for the door. I nodded to him.

"I'll call him from my hotel...thanks..." I replied. We had not told Dave about us,so I kept things professional. Crystal and I headed out to the rental car and he slipped in the driver's seat. 

"Do you need to stop for anything?" he asked. I shook my head as I rubbed my temples. Grateful for my sunglasses on this bright afternoon. 

"No...just want to lay down for a bit...my head is still throbbing..." I mumbled as Crystal started the car and took off. He arrived at the hotel and we parted ways as I entered my suite. I shed my clothes and decided on a shower to try and shake off my headache. I put on a robe and turned off the room lights as I laid on the bed and closed my eyes. Hoping for a respite from my cranial torture.

I fell asleep at some point and woke up to just a dull presence of pain in my skull and a rumbling stomach. My appetite had been marred by my head earlier today. I got up and found the room service menu and called for something to eat. I got some water and drank half a glass before I remembered I needed to call Brian. I picked up the phone and sighed heavily. 

"Hello..."

"It's me..."

"Hey Rog...about time you called..." Brian sounded annoyed; which only served to make me annoyed. 

"Sorry...I finished at the studio but have had a killer headache all day and I came back to the hotel to lay down and I fell asleep..." I reported and rubbed at my temples as I rested the phone against my shoulder.

"Any better?" Brian asked me in a nicer tone. I appreciated his empathy.

"Yes...not completely gone though..." I responded. "Dave said you called...what's up?" I asked as I decided to lay down on the bed again.

"I wanted to talk to you about something...but to be honest...if you've got a headache now is not the time..." he answered. I instantly wondered what he wanted to discuss that might be marred by my headache. 

"What is it Brian?" I asked him. "Just tell me anyway..." I requested. 

"It can wait for another time..." he said but I knew from his tone that it was something pressing at him. I didn't need him stewing about it so I pressed him for it.

"Go ahead...really...I mean it..." I said with a bit more enthusiasm in my voice. Brian sighed in the phone and it went right through me.

"No...because you'll just be annoyed with me and we'll probably get into a fight..." he grumbled. I was annoyed now that he had already started a battle to get to the heart of why he called.

"Just fucking tell me already!" I shouted as I lost my patience with him. 

"Fine!" he shouted back. "Were you going to tell me that you went to Paris with Dominique?" he suddenly questioned. I don't know how he knew about the trip but I guess it didn't matter. He knows. 

"Brian...I was in Paris with Dom because we had lunch with her Mother..." I told him truthfully as I closed my eyes and rubbed at my temples. 

"Are you sure it was just lunch?" he asked me and sounded like it was a challenge. I wasn't sure what he was getting at. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped back. 

"There's a picture of you both at some Paris nightclub looking quite cozy together..." Brian responded smugly. 

"We met a friend of hers that night...it was nothing..." I replied and felt irritated at being interrogated over something that meant absolutely nothing.

"If it was nothing then why didn't you tell me about it?" he barked back. "Why are sneaking away on trips to Paris with her if there is nothing to it?" he questioned. I realized I had made a mistake in not telling him. 

"Look...I went to Paris with Dom as a favor...she asked me to have lunch with her Mother to keep her off her back about finding a boyfriend..." I explained. "I owed her a favor and did it to help her out..." I said honestly. 

"Why did you owe her a favor?" he then questioned. I realized then I was stuck because I hadn't told him what happened in Monaco. I had to come clean about everything. I know he is going to blow up more than he already has. Fuck!

"I owed her a favor because she came and bailed me out when I got arrested in Monaco..." I confessed. 

"Wait! You got arrested in Monaco?" he yelled. I cringed as I waited for the explosion. Waiting for him to start screaming at me. But then I heard the phone disconnect. He hung up on me! Fuck!

\---------------------------

Brian's POV

I slammed the phone down as I didn't want to hear anything more from him. It seemed it was lies stacked upon lies. I got up from my chair and began to pace the floor in my study. I felt like my life was in repeat and I was back to a place again where Roger was cheating on me. I hated him right now and I hated myself for ending up here all over again.

The telephone started ringing again and I knew it was him. I walked out of my office and went to go back to the living room where we had all been watching a program. But I was too upset. I hoped none of them heard me yelling on the phone. I walked to the living room and leaned inside and found them all comfortable on the couches. Mia looked up at me when I appeared.

"I'm going to take a walk..." I announced and tried to sound nonchalant. She nodded understanding so I turned and went to front door of the house. I stepped out and saw the sun was just starting to set as I took off down the paved drive. My head was swimming with notions of everything I had heard on the phone from Roger. It made me wonder if he had been having an affair with her. It made me wonder how long it might have been going on. I felt like a complete fool and kicked at a rock near the side of the path. Here I was again! Finding out Roger lied and wondering if he had done it to me again. Cheated! I looked up at the slip of the sun on the horizon and wondered if my relationship with him was slipping away as well. My stomach twisted up and my chest felt heavy as tears formed in my eyes. I kept walking as I wasn't going to have this meltdown in front of my family. I turned onto the grass path to avoid the sun and felt lost and bewildered. I'm only 35 years old but I felt aged and weary for some reason. I wasn't sure I could endure another round of forgiveness and going forward with Roger. I'm not sure I had it in me.

\----------------------------------------

Roger's POV

I knew I had fucked up and I didn't blame him for hanging up on me. I tried to call back but he didn't answer. No surprise there. I finally gave up and hung up the phone.

'Fuck...' I grumbled out loud. I had to do something but I'm 600 miles away! I needed help. I grabbed the phone again and dialed a different number.

"Hello..."

"Hey Clare...it's me..." 

"Hey Rog...how are things in the studio?" she asked me. 

"The studio is good...I've got a problem though and I need your help..." I told her.

"Well I am your paid assistant...what do you need?" she replied with a touch of sarcasm.

"It's Brian..." I said. "I think I fucked up..." I confessed. "We had a fight on the phone and he hung up..." I heard Clare sigh in the phone.

"What did you do Rog?" she asked me and I could hear the judgement in her voice. It irked me that she assumed I had always been the reason for an argument.

"Why do you think I'm always the reason we have a fight?" I questioned back in a short tone. She remained silent and I felt her judgement all over again.

"Well..." she said. "You said you think you fucked up Roger...what did you do?" she repeated. Fuck! I had already admitted it.

"I failed to tell him I took a trip to Paris with Dominique in May and he found out..." I responded. 

"And why did you fail to mention it?" she asked me. I knew I had to come completely clean with her if I was going to get her to help me.

"It all started when I went to Monaco..." I began and told her the entire story of events as they happened. Right up to our fight and Brian hanging up. She listened quietly until I finished.

"And I didn't tell Brian because I didn't want to hear about it...but I guess that was a mistake because now it's all this!" I exclaimed as I finished my telling. There was silence on her end and I wondered if she was still there. Then she spoke.

"Roger...how long have you been with Brian now?" she asked me. That was easy.

"14 years..." I replied. 

"And after all this time you still don't understand that when you lie to him it makes his mind always go to the worst case scenario?" she reminded me. She was right.

"I'm not here to disagree with you Clare...you're right...just tell me what I can do to fix this..." I requested. 

"You need to ask Brian that...not me..." she responded. "But I can tell you this..." she offered. "There is a history there with Dominique...you have to understand that he is probably thinking you've been having an affair with her..." she advised. "And I want you to tell me the truth Roger...is there something going on between you?" she bluntly asked. 

"Nothing!" I replied without hesitation. "I swear on my children's lives!" I said to emphasize it. 

"I'm sorry Rog....I had to ask..." she said and sounded sincere in her apology. "I just want to say that when I've seen you with her there is something about the two of you...a chemistry or something..." she commented. "I know you are trying to do things to be seen in public as a couple...but the illusion is pretty believable!" she remarked. I hadn't realized that.

"It is?" I questioned back.

"Yes..." she replied. "So I get why Brian might find it easy to believe you were cheating with her...especially when you lie to him..." I gulped at her comment. I wondered if Dom had feelings for me that I wasn't seeing.

"I didn't realize that..." I said back. "I guess I need to get Brian to speak to me..." I told her. "I tried to call him back but he didn't answer. "I'll let him calm down and try again..." I suggested.

"And some flowers or another gesture of apology might help matters..." she advised. 

"Yeah..." I agreed and took a deep breath. "I'll do that...thanks..." I said. "I'll let you know how it goes..." I said and Clare laughed.

"I think I'll know how things go from here..." she pointed out. I laughed back.

"I guess you will...sorry..." I said to her. Knowing she would have to deal with some aspect of this as our shared assistant. "Thanks again...." I said and hung up. 

\---------------------------------------

19th June 1983

Brian's POV

I didn't sleep well but still got up and drove the children to school. It wasn't their fault my relationship might be in tatters. I put on a smile and tried to be cheery as I watched them get out of the car and head inside. I drove back home and my sullen mood returned. I went inside to find Mia cleaning up breakfast and the weekly visit from housekeeping was taking place.

I went to my office to hide and decided to go through my morning post to distract me. There was some business correspondence from Guild Guitars and a letter from Trevor and Wilkie. I read it and smiled at the news of them planning a brief holiday with friends in Ireland. I envied them and wished I had better relationships with my friends. My time always seemed absorbed by Queen and by my children and Roger. Roger! I set the letter aside for him to read when he gets back and then wondered if he was coming back. I shook my head to shake the thought from my brain. My mind was working overtime on ruminations and I picked up more post to try and ignore it.

There was something that looked like an invitation. I tore the envelope and pulled out a notice on heavy cardstock. It was the announcement of the benefit for the shelter Chrissy had contacted me about. It was next month. I wanted to make sure my donation was all arranged. I got up and headed for Clare's home office.

I knocked on her door even though she had it open. 

"Come on in..." she replied. I stepped in and found her sorting through a large stack of mail. She looked up and smiled at me. "Good morning..." she said as she placed an envelope in a particular wire basket. 

"Morning..." I replied and leaned against the wall by her desk. "I was just wanting to check on that donation for the shelter benefit..." I stated. "It's in a few weeks and I wanted to make sure it was all arranged..." Clare nodded and set down the mail she was sorting. She opened a notebook and flipped to a page with a bookmark on it.

"Yes...I confirmed with Robert at Queen Productions that they will deliver the items at 3pm the day at the benefit...it's all arranged..." she advised me. I smiled at her.

"Thanks Clare..." I said gratefully. She sat on the edge of her desk and looked at me intently.

"I spoke to Roger last night..." she announced. I frowned hearing that she evidently knew we had a fight. 

"Oh..." I said in response.

"He told me what happened and I want you to know I'm not taking sides on this..." she informed me. "Since I formally work for you both now it just seems unfair to do so...and it's unfair to me to be completely honest..." she remarked. I could appreciate her position. Mia never took sides either.

"I understand..." I told her. "Don't worry...I won't try and drag you into this..." I assured her. She smiled at me.

"Thanks..." she replied. "I do just want to say that I think it's important for you both to talk about things and really listen to each other..." she suggested. "Him as much as you..." she added. I took that to mean she thought we might both be in the wrong. I always felt Clare was quite astute in her assessments about us. I smiled at her.

"I'll consider your advice..." I responded. I didn't want her taking sides but I really valued her opinion though and took a chance. "Clare...this is not me asking you to take sides...but can I ask if you think there is something between him and Dominique?" I asked plainly. "I just want to know if my head is getting the best of me..." I confessed. She gave me a confident look.

"I did ask him what I know you're thinking about and I do believe him..." she revealed. It helped to know she felt he was being truthful about the bigger concern I had. My deepest worry.

"Thanks..." I said and turned to leave the room. Feeling better about the situation overall but still disappointed he had lied to me.

\------------------------------------

Roger's POV

"Can you get those delivered right away?" I requested. 

"Yes...we can probably have it there by the afternoon..." the woman assured me. I smiled hearing it.

"Brilliant! Thanks!" I said and closed my address book and hung up the phone. I checked my watch and got up from the bed and looked for my shoes. I knew Crystal was waiting on me. I found the ones I wanted to and got them on and collected my things for the day. I rushed out of my suite and down to the lobby. We arrived at the studio and I hurried inside.

"Sorry Dave..." I told him as I entered the control booth. He leaned back in his rolling chair and smiled at me.

"It's fine..." he responded. "We working on Strange Frontier today?" he asked me. I nodded as I set down my bag and pulled out my cigarettes and lighter. 

"Yes...let me get settled and we can get going..." I replied. Crystal came in with a cup of coffee for me. I took it and had a sip. Crystal sat down on the leather sofa in the back and sipped his own coffee. 

"You doing vocals or do you need something else?" Crystal inquired. I shook my head.

"Just vocals today..." I confirmed. The telephone rang and Dave answered. I pulled some throat lozenges from my bag.

"It's for you Roger....Dominique..." he announced. I had considered calling her last night but preferred to nurse my headache. 

"I'll take it in the breakroom..." I advised and walked from the room. I went in and pressed the flashing light on the wall phone and picked up the handset.

"Hey Dom..." 

"Hi Roger...I wanted to call to update you about an interview I scheduled for you with a drummer's magazine..." she advised. 

"Good...I also need to talk to you..." I replied. 

"Oh!" she said. "What is it? she asked. Sounding curious.

"I needed to let you know that Brian found out about the trip to Paris and we had a fight...so I wanted to let you know that he knows about everything and if you see him he might be a bit unpleasant..." I explained. "It's my fault that I didn't tell him...but I wanted you to know..." 

"Alright..." she said and seemed troubled by it. "I hope everything's okay between you..." she commented.

"Well...he hung up on me last night and I'm sending him flowers and an apology today..." I answered. "I know he thinks there is something going on between us and I just need to convince him that isn't the case..." I explained. I sat on the stool by the phone and leaned against the wall; rubbing my shoulder. I wished I had my cigarettes with me.

"Roger...I know you told me you didn't tell Brian about Monaco because you felt he would be cross with you...but why did you not tell him about Paris?" she asked me. I wasn't sure what to say. I guess I felt it just led to me admitting what happened in Monaco. 

"I didn't want to have to tell him I owed you a favor because I would have to reveal what happened in Monaco..." I answered.

"But now you've made it worse for yourself....when you haven't done anything wrong..." she pointed out. "It's just my opinion but I can understand why he might question your motives..." she said to me. Her words made me think about why I did this. I felt stupid. I didn't think beyond the moment I wanted to avoid him being annoyed with me. 

"You're right..." I replied. "I didn't think..." 

"I think the flowers are a nice touch..." Dom remarked. It made feel me a little better. 

"Oh yeah?' I responded.

"It's a good start..." she clarified. I laughed. "May I suggest something else you might do?"

"Please..." I responded and listened to her suggestion.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Brian's POV

I turned the radio on and then did some stretches. Like Eddie had instructed. I warmed my muscles up and then reached over and picked up the hand weights. A new song began on the radio. It was Michael Jackson's hit song, 'Wanna Be Starting Somethin.' It made me wonder how things had gone with Freddie going into the recording studio with him. I was keen to know as I began to do my curls. I missed Freddie and considered calling him when I finished my workout.

After working my biceps I sat down on my bench and prepared to do some lifts. I reached for the barbell and heard a noise behind me. The door to the room opened and I was shocked to find Dominique standing there. What was she doing here?

"Hi Brian..." she said as she walked in the room. I grabbed my towel from the bench.

"Hi!' I said with surprise. "What are you doing here?" I asked. 

"I wanted to come in person to offer you an apology..." she announced. I couldn't help but notice how fantastic she looked. Her long dark hair was so shiny and thick. Her skin is flawless and she wore a light blue dress with low heels. I could understand why anyone was attracted to her. She's lovely. It didn't help my internal fear that she might be here to tell me she was taking Roger from me.

"An apology?" I questioned. I was pretty sure I knew why she was here but was worried about what she felt she had to apologize for. It made me anxious. 

"Yes..." she confirmed. "I want to tell you I'm sorry for putting Roger in a difficult position with you..." she stated. Her choices of words still left me on edge. I wiped at my face with the towel and stood up. 

"And what position would that be?" I asked her as I walked over to the small water cooler I kept here and filled a paper cup with some water. She watched me as I moved around. I hoped my hands didn't appear to be shaky; like I felt inside.

"That I asked him to help me out with a problem with my Mother and he felt he had to lie to you about it..." she said frankly. I was going to take a drink but stopped when I heard her.

"He said he had lunch with you and your Mother..." I replied so she would know that I was aware of some aspects of what she was referring to. She nodded.

"Yes...he did..." she confirmed. "I ask Roger if he would mind accompanying me to Paris to meet my Mother...because she had seen the clippings about us being a couple and believed them and she wanted to meet my boyfriend..." she explained. An expression of mild embarrassment formed on her face. "You see Brian...I'm over 30 now and divorced with no children...and my Mother thinks my best years are behind me..." Part of me felt bad for her and part of me wondered if she was saying this to distract me from them possibly being involved.

"So you wanted him to pretend to be your boyfriend to assuage your Mother?" I asked with a hint of annoyance at her reasoning. She smirked at me.

"I believe you and Roger have Clare and I pretend to be your girlfriends to assuage the public..." she reminded me. She had me there. 

"Your point is?" I said back to show I was still upset at the situation. 

"My point is I asked Roger to help me out...as a friend...to satisfy my Mother for the time being..." she said and walked closer to me. "And I know he didn't tell you about it because he was worried what you might think..." I looked at her intently.

"Well what would you think if you were in my shoes?" I questioned back. She kept her eyes locked on mine.

"I would think something was going on..." she agreed. "But I'm here to tell you that nothing is going on..." she said in a direct manner. "I am not sleeping with him and I am not interested in him romantically..." she added. 

"But you like him..." I said as a challenge. It was clear she liked him. Who doesn't? I struggled to believe her. She gave me a look of amusement.

"Of course I like him!" she responded. "He's charming and funny and a good listener..." she told me. "He's quite intelligent..." she added.

"And beautiful...." I reminded her. She smiled at me and reached over and patted my chest.

"And beautiful..." she agreed. "Yes...he's quite handsome..." she said as she looked at me. "And he belongs to you Brian..." she said sincerely. "He's in love with you..." she reminded me. I felt heartened by her words. Hoping she was telling me the truth and not trying to cover for him.

"How do I know you're not just telling me what I want to hear? I asked her directly. She looked at me with a confident expression.

"If I really wanted him for myself....I'd already have him..." she answered. I believed her. 

"I just hope you can appreciate it's hard for me when I see you and Roger off skiing together or flying to the States and having your picture taken in a nightclub in Paris..." I remarked. "I'm at home with the kids and seeing this while I'm sitting here waiting for him to come back..." I complained.

"Why are sitting at home waiting for him?" she questioned back. "Why aren't you out doing things without him? Making friends and enjoying life?" Dom sat down on the table and crossed her legs and her arms across her chest. I didn't have an answer for her so I remained silent. 

"Brian...to me it seems like you rely on Roger too much to be everything in your life..." she opined. "Your lover, your best friend, your co-parent, your bandmate, your everything..." 

"What's wrong with that?" I asked her; feeling like she was judging me somehow. 

"I would find that suffocating if someone expected me to be all that for them..." she remarked. 

"Do you think I'm suffocating him?" I asked her with fear in my heart that it might be the truth.

"I think at times he feels overwhelmed by it all..." she said with honesty. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but I wondered if I needed to. 

"I guess I need to give him some breathing room..." I finally said after thinking about it all. She smiled at my answer.

"Breath gives us oxygen and when we have plenty of oxygen we have more energy to live...to love..." she said. It made so much sense. She uncrossed her arms and legs and patted her thighs before she stood up.

"I need to go...I have a meeting in London with Mr. Bowie..." she declared. I was surprised at how I felt about her as she went to leave. I had been prepared to hear she was having an affair with my husband and was taking him away from me. Now I was assured there was nothing of the sort going on and she offered some sound advice for my relationship with Roger. It felt odd. 

"Thanks Dom..." I said as she looked at me. She surprised me by stepping towards me; offering a hug. 

"If you ever doubt his love for you...I want you to know that he spoke of nothing but you and how much you mean to him the entire trip from Switzerland to L.A. ..." she revealed as we embraced. It did restore my faith in him.

"He means everything to me..." I replied and held her tight.

\----------------------------------------

12th July 1983

London

Roger's POV

I stepped out of the limo first and waited as Dom slid over and got out behind me. I instantly took her hand as we stood and waited for our double date. The limo behind us stopped and I watched as the back door was opened and Brian stepped out and stood there as Clare got out behind him. Brian took her hand and we walked up to meet at the edge of the red carpet. The press cameras began to make their shuttering sounds and flashes went off as we stood and posed for a moment so they could take their shots. I was on one end wearing black jeans and a white button down shirt under a dark red jacket. Brian stood at the other end wearing some new blue jeans that were much tighter than jeans he had worn in the past. I really liked them. They showed off his assets. He had on that ridiculous space t-shirt and a blue jacket over it. Clare was wearing a sundress with a cardigan sweater over it and Dom had on a silk green romper with low heels. 

We tired of the cameras and began to walk into the lobby of the cinema. It was a charity showing of a recent film release and Dom had bought four tickets for me to give Brian as a birthday present. Maybe it was some kind of apology as well. We stopped and mingled for a bit with some other celebrities and grabbed some popcorn and drinks. Brian was in high spirits and we split up a bit as he spoke with a guitarist from a new pop act that was elated to meet him. Dom and I trailed off to chat with a stage actor she knew. I then noticed Brian meeting one of the film's cast members and he was posing for a picture with them. I was happy to see him having so much fun.

The lights flickered to announce it was time to get seated so we all headed into the auditorium to take our seats. We met up with Brian and Clare at the door and walked in together. Casually. We found some seats on the side and I let Dom go in and take a seat. I followed her in and Brian followed. Clare sat on his other side and we all got settled as the lights dimmed. 

I couldn't believe I was going to sit through this fucking film! But I guess that is what we do for love, right? That all too familiar music began and I noticed Brian sit up in his seat; excited for his film to start. His eyes were shining even though the room was dark. 

The story line started rolling up from the bottom of the screen; just like it had on the other two films and I saw Brian peering in the darkness to read it. I didn't bother. It was more entertaining watching him. I glanced up at the screen in time to see the film title. There it was! 'Return of The Jedi.' I had heard it was the final film in the Star Wars series. I prayed it was! 

I returned to watching Brian as the credits ended and the actual film footage began. I noticed him tense up with excitement and clench his hands into fists. He gets so involved in these stupid movies; but I have to admit there is a part of me that finds it endearing. He's like a child in a way. I grinned at his reaction and then casually leaned forward and pulled my jacket off. I laid it across my lap and waited for a moment. I observed that everyone around me seemed mesmerized with the film. So a took a chance. I moved my jacket around slowly until part of it laid over the armrest between Brian and myself. I waited another moment and then slid my hand underneath it. I then gently poked him in the arm.

Brian turned to look at me and then down at my jacket. The smile that erupted on his face was better than this film would ever be for me. Brian turned back to watch the movie and slowly slid his hand under my jacket. I took his hand in mine and relaxed. I may not enjoy this movie; but I always liked holding my husband's hand; especially in public.


	16. It's A Hard Life...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TIME JUMP FOLKS! IF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT EVENTS IN QUEEN'S STORY THAT WERE SKIPPED, THEY MAY BE COVERED IN THE NEXT BOOK - THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. THANKS!
> 
> Just a reminder that Lulu is Tiger Lily's best friend and school mate.

4th September 1984

London

Tiger Lily's POV

I finally got the present I had wanted for years. It wasn't going to cost them anything. I had begged for this and was told I was too young. But now I'm ten and I finally got it!

"Here's your backstage pass and you cannot take this off for anything..." Papa told me as he placed the cord around my neck. "Promise me you will listen to Clare and Dom and do what they say!" I nodded. I would. I was so happy I was here and finally getting to see my Papa and Daddy perform, I would do whatever they asked.

I had been to a few soundchecks in the past but was never allowed to see the actual concert. 'Too dangerous...too loud...to raucous...' were some of the reasons. My favorite silly reason was 'a lot of bad language!' Ha! Like my Papa's day to day speech isn't peppered with bad language? But that is in the past because I am finally seeing Queen tonight!

Daddy was leaning over and checking his eye makeup in a mirror as I sipped my can of Coke. It was funny to see him put on makeup and fuss over his hair so much. But I guess they all were. Papa had been seated in a chair earlier and some man was styling his hair. Uncle Deacy had got his hair permed last winter and it now was like a giant puffy cloud. It was as big as Daddy's hair. Papa like to tease him about it. I think he looked kind of cute.

Uncle Freddie was sitting and sipping a drink as Phoebe helped him put his shoes on. He caught me looking at him and grinned. He waved at me.

"Come here princess..." he told me. I scooted off my chair and walked over to him. I leaned against the barber style chair he was seated in. Freddie looked me over with approval. "I still can't believe you are 10 Tiger Lily..." he said and looked a little sentimental. "I can remember when you were still in nappies and your Daddy wouldn't ever let anyone else hold you..." Freddie teased. I grinned back at him and looked at his manicured hands. His moustache was perfect and his skin was so nice. I always thought he was handsome like a prince from one of my fairy tale books. Papa and Daddy are handsome but Uncle Freddie is extra handsome in his stage outfits. He was wearing red leather trousers and a white vest. A black leather jacket with big white arrows on it hung on the wall next to him. Phoebe was tying his Adidas trainers.

"I'm too big to hold now..." I pointed out and Freddie brought a hand up to his heart.

"Don't tell your Papa or Daddy that...it will break their hearts..." he told me and sighed. "At least Deacy has a baby we can coo over..." he remarked as he glanced over at Aunt Ronnie. She was holding Joshua and talking to Dominique. Uncle Deacy and Aunt Ronnie had him last December. They already had three before him. I liked Robert and Michael was okay. Laura and I were so far apart in age and she was shy like her father. And Joshua is just a baby. Michael gets along pretty well with Jimi. They are close in age and both like school a lot. I like hanging out with Mia and Clare and Dom is a lot of fun. The person that is funniest is Crystal. He and Papa are always laughing and joking about something and they even play tricks on people sometimes. Crystal was talking to my Aunt Clare right now. We were getting ready to go out to our seats for the concert. "Just remember sweetie that you were the first little Queenie and you will always be our little princess..." Freddie told me with a tenderness that made me smile.

"I'll always be your princess Freddie...don't worry..." I replied. He reached over and gently pinched my chin. I giggled at his affection.

"You need to start your warm ups..." Phoebe advised Freddie. He nodded as he handed him his cup and stood up from his chair. He winked at me as he was handed his leather jacket.

"Now you go on and enjoy the show..." Freddie told me as he slid his arms in the jacket. "I'll try and blow you a kiss..." he said and I smiled at him.

"Thanks..." I replied and watched as he began shaking his legs out and wiggling his arms. Warming up his body to prepare for the show.

"Hey Tigs!" I heard Papa and turned to see him gesturing at me to come over. "We've got Neal to take our picture..." he said. I rushed over and found Daddy was adjusting the big red sash around his waist. He was wearing it with his shiny white trousers. He looked so different than he did at home. He looked like a rock star. Papa always kind of looked that way but Daddy really looked like one today. It was cool.

"You look cool Daddy..." I told him. He beamed at me.

"Thanks poppet..." he said and I cringed and he caught himself and grimaced. "Sorry..." he said. When I turned 10 last month I asked if he could stop calling me that because it's a name for little girls and I am not a little girl anymore. He said he would, but he's had trouble remembering not to use it. I was trying to be patient with him. Papa said to give him time.

"It's okay..." I said to be nice. He squatted down and opened his arms to me and I went over and let him hug me. He gives really good hugs with his long arms.

"Thanks sweetheart...I'm trying..." he said as he held me and squeezed me close. I could smell the hairspray in his hair and it was odd. He usually never wore it. Papa did but not Daddy. I squeezed back before he let me go. He gazed at me lovingly and patted my head before he stood all the way up. He looks so tall in that stage outfit!

"Over here you two..." Papa told us. We walked over to a big empty wall and Neal, the guy who takes a lot of their pictures, was holding his camera and directing us how to stand.

"Just squat down and let her stand between you..." Neal suggested. Papa and Daddy got on either side of me and wrapped their arms around me.. We all smiled and Neal took the photos.

"Wait for me!" Uncle Deacy shouted and I looked up to see him rushing over as he kneeled down next to Papa. We all laughed as Papa tried to smash his hair. Uncle Deacy shoved his hand away and they both giggled as Neal took the picture.

"I guess it's not a group picture without the star!" Uncle Freddie remarked as he waltzed over to us. Papa rolled his eyes at him.

"The real star in this picture is her..." Papa retorted. Uncle Freddie got on Daddy's other side and leaned in as Neal prepared to take the picture.

"Say Queen!" Neal told us. We all smiled and said 'Queen!' and he took the picture.

\--------------------------------------

"Come here a minute..." Papa told me and I walked over to him in the corner of the room. He squatted down and looked at me intently. "I wanted to tell you that Freddie is having some trouble with his voice right now and he may not be in top form..." he cautioned. "I just wanted you to know..." he said and sounded like I was going to be disappointed. I smiled at him.

"He's Freddie Mercury Papa! He'll be amazing no matter what!" I replied. He smiled at me and kissed my cheek.

"That's my girl!" he said and stood up as Clare and Dom came over so we could go. I waved to Daddy and Uncle Deaky. Uncle Freddie was in the other room doing his vocal warm ups. Crystal was on the stage making sure Daddy's drum set was ready. I took Clare's hand and we left the dressing room to head into the arena.

A bodyguard went with us as we got seated in the front row of the section right by my Daddy's side of the stage. We had a great view of where he would stand and I could see Papa's drums high up on their riser. The opening act had already played and Clare said the show would start pretty quickly. She and Dom were all dressed up for tonight. They both looked really pretty. I had worn my favorite pair of pink jeans and a new Queen t-shirt from the tour. I sat between them and I watched as Crystal finished with the drum set. He walked to the end of the large riser and I saw him wave at me. I was thrilled he saw me and waved back. He tapped his finger against his watch to tell me it was time. I felt a rush of excitement go through me.

The arena was packed full of fans and the lights dimmed. They began cheering and shouting and I loved how energetic they were. It made my own energy level go up. The music started and I recognized it was the song that Papa and Daddy had written together. Machines!

The lights started flashing and smoke began rising up from behind the stage. It was so cool! I felt butterflies in my stomach as I saw them appear on the stage. Daddy looked amazing holding Red as he took long strides around the stage. He was playing the opening to 'Tear It Up.' I could see Papa seated at his kit and he had worn that big white t-shirt that said 'Choose Life' on it. He had got it from a lady fashion designer and it was a statement about being against war and violence and destruction. I know that he and Uncle Freddie had some heated words about him wearing it because Freddie said they try not to be too political. I'm not sure what the means but Papa said everyone should be against war and violence and he was going to wear it. That's my stubborn Papa!

They did 'Tie Your Mother Down' next, which is a silly song my Daddy wrote. My Nana Ruth said that song is not about her. I really loved hearing Uncle Freddie and Papa sing 'Under Pressure' together. Seeing him play the drums and sing at the same time is so awesome! I love his voice. I love my Daddy's voice too and they all sound so good together. They sounded incredible singing 'Somebody To Love.'

I was up and dancing when Uncle Freddie sang 'Killer Queen.' It is one of my favorites. A few songs later Freddie got the entire audience singing with him. I sang along and so did Dom and Clare. Our security guard just stood with his arms folded across his chest and looked around. It took me by surprise when Freddie began singing in a really high pitch and I remembered him doing this at a soundcheck. He sang really high notes as the band jammed along. It was so cool! I don't know anyone who can sing that high. My Papa has a pretty high voice but Freddie sounds so smooth. Another favorite of mine from Sheer Heart Attack got played as well. 'Now I'm Here' was written by my Daddy and the guitar is really cool. Freddie was rocking out and running all over the stage.

When the song finished the stage went dark and then my Daddy was sitting on a stool with his acoustic guitar. He began speaking to the crowd. Then Freddie came back out and got on a stool and they sang that sweet song off their new album. It was beautiful! Everyone in the audience had lit up their cigarette lighters and were holding them up. Then Freddie stood up and sang 'Love of My Life' and the crowd all sang a long. I knew the words so I did too. I wished Lulu could have been here to sing with us. We liked singing it when we listened to the live record we have of Queen.

After the slow songs they did a lot of rocking songs. It was really cool to see them all rock out. Papa plays the drums so fast and hard. I sometimes wonder how he breathes and sings when he does that.

The band started using a keyboard player when they tour so Freddie can get up and move around more. I had met Spike and he was a neat guy. He played some cool stuff on his keyboards for me and he knew all the current songs on the radio too. He got to do a solo in the show and he played for a bit and then my Daddy began playing his crazy guitar stuff. He stood and thrashed away and I recognized some of it from 'Brighton Rock.' Lulu and I love that album. I really missed having Lulu though when they sang 'Another One Bites The Dust.' She really likes Uncle Deacy and he danced around a lot when he played.

They did so many songs and I was beyond thrilled when they performed 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' During the filmed bit when they play the video they left the stage and returned in new clothes. I jumped for joy when they began 'Radio Gaga.' My Papa's song! He finally got a single of his own and it had reached #2 in the UK charts but I was so proud when he told me he had reached number one in several countries in Europe. The best part was when the audience clapped during the chorus like the fans did in the music video. It showed me how much the fans loved the song and loved the band.

When the song ended the lights went out and the crowd began cheering for the band. They came back after a few minutes and sang 'I Want To Break Free.' Freddie came out wearing that pink sweater and his fake boobies. He flashed the audience and I laughed when he strutted around with his giant boobs sticking up. He also had on that black wig and looked so silly as he pranced about singing. Dom and Clare were laughing as much as I was.

When the song ended they went straight into Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley. Freddie tore off his shirt and boobs and began dancing around as he sang. The entire crowd was dancing and I noticed our security guard was slapping his hands against his thighs and getting into it.

They left the stage again and after a few minutes I heard my Papa playing the introduction to 'We Will Rock You.' It was so cool and he sounded so powerful. They played the song as the audience stomped and clapped their hearts out. Me included.

When they finished I saw Freddie walk to his piano. He sat down and I knew he was going to play 'We Are The Champions.'

"We'd like to dedicate this last song tonight to a special person in the audience..." Freddie said and my heart started beating fast as he turned on his piano bench and looked my way. "Someone here tonight is seeing Queen for the first time and she is special to each one of us..." he said next and I felt myself break into a huge smile as Clare wrapped her arm around me. "You fans mean the world to us but there is nothing dearer than family..." Freddie stated as I saw Papa and Daddy both look my way. "Happy birthday little Queenie...and Tiger Lily Taylor...tonight...you are the champion!" Freddie exclaimed as he blew me a kiss and I saw Papa and Daddy and Deacy blow me one as well. I thought I would cry from how much love I felt as the crowd cheered and Freddie began to play the song.

I sang my heart out along with everyone else in that arena and was so sad when the show was over. I applauded and cheered my parents and my Queen and truly felt like their Princess when the lights went up.

After the show I returned backstage with Dom and Clare and the security guard. I was bouncing with energy after seeing them perform and understood now what Papa talked about when he said they were wired after a show.

When I went into the dressing room I saw Papa putting on a bathrobe. His soaking wet shirt was on the bench next to him and his hair was damp and messy. He saw me and shouted.

"Hey! What did you think?" he asked me as I ran up to him and he picked me up. I looked into his red face and beamed at him.

"You were fucking amazing!" I told him as I couldn't think of a better way to describe it. He burst out laughing and I saw Daddy frown at me for cursing.

"Oh lay off Bri...it's rock and roll!" Papa snarled at him. We both gave him our best charmed smile to seek forgiveness and Daddy made a goofy face at us as he walked over and pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"You were brilliant!" I told him sincerely and he grinned at me. I could see some mischief in his eyes.

"We were pretty fucking good...weren't we?" he said back and Papa reached around and pinched his bottom. Daddy's eyebrows raised up in surprise.

"And you look pretty fucking good in those trousers..." Papa told him and I giggled at them both.

\-------------------------------------------------------

5th September 1984

London Wembley Arena

Brian's POV

It was Freddie's birthday and our Wembley gig was like a 'Who's Who' of the London celebrity scene. Everybody was here. Mary Austin was on hand as Freddie's date and the audience was filled with people who knew Freddie professionally or personally. The show was so much fun and the fans knew it was his birthday and sang 'Happy Birthday' to him before we could begin playing 'Staying Power.' He was thrilled and began making cracks about his age during the show.

The fans also sang it again when we were preparing to do 'Love of My Life.' Freddie also received presents and a quite filthy birthday card from someone in the audience. He bantered with them and it was a nice evening for us all. Freddie was frustrated with some ongoing vocal issues, but the fans never let on they were bothered.

The fun really started after the show ended and we headed backstage to get cleaned up in a hurry. We left for an after show birthday party for him. We arrived at Xenon's nightclub in our separate cars and the festivities got under way. It was midnight but we were all amped up and ready for a good time.

As soon as Freddie arrived he was crowded by well-wishers and everyone was drinking and enjoying a late night meal. A large table housed an impressive stack of gifts and Freddie was escorted to a table where an enormous cake was laid out. It was in the shape of a Rolls Royce and even had the hood ornament. He was delighted with it and the caterers all lined up to watch as he was handed a knife and cut his cake after yet another round of 'Happy Birthday.'

Kenny Everett was there along with comedian Billy Connelly. Some of the old guard of 70's rock were present and Roger's good friend Rick Parfitt had rode over with him from the arena after the show. Clare came with me and Roger did have Dom with him. It had become quite the habit for us of late. Paired up for the public to see. While I had some issues at first with Dom, it had become more relaxed and I got to know her better. She was a genuinely nice person. I admired her independence and her work as a public relations consultant. She was a good example for Tiger Lily of what a woman could be. I was glad my daughter had this example along with Aunt Clare being her own woman. Mia was another example as she chose to do an important job and had not just wanted to get married. We tried to instill in her the belief she could do whatever she wanted.

Later in the evening I ended up in a conversation with Jim Beach about the tour and future plans and some new landscaping he was putting in at his house in the country. It was nice company as I felt a bit subdued by that time and my buzz from the show had worn off. We was enjoying some brandy and I was sticking with beer tonight.

"Want another?" Jim Beach asked me as we sat at a corner table away from the noise.

"I think I'll pass..." I advised him. "I've got a bit of a headache and might head out..." I advised him. Jim stood up and smiled at me. "Go ahead...I'll probably say good night..." I said and he patted my shoulder.

"Good night then...see you on Friday..." he told me. I smiled back as he left the table. I looked around and saw Roger seated at a table with Rick and his date, Dom, Crystal and Ratty. I knew Clare had been with them earlier but she was gone. I grabbed my jacket and slipped it on and went looking for her. I finally spotted Clare at a table with a young man who she was clearly having a deep conversation with. I didn't want to interrupt but needed her to know I was leaving. I went up and got her attention. She looked up and smiled at me.

"Brian...this is Malcolm Davies..." she announced. I shook his hand and he seemed friendly.

"Nice to meet you Malcolm..." I replied.

"I'm a huge fan!" Malcolm told me and then he smiled at Clare. The way he looked at her made me wonder if he might be a bigger fan of her. It occurred to me they might be into each other.

"Thanks...I just wanted to let you know I'm heading out..." I advised Clare. I noticed her look conflicted and realized she liked this guy. I immediately felt bad that I had even walked over and then felt worse that she clearly was conflicted about coming with me for appearance sake or continuing her conversation with this man. "If you want to catch a ride with Rog or someone else..." I suggested to make it clear to her she was free to do as she wanted. Malcolm smiled at us both and got up from his seat.

"I need use the gent's...I'll be right back..." he said and we watched him step away. I turned to Clare.

"You like him...don't you?" I asked. The blush on her face told me it was true. She smiled widely and nodded as she stood up.

"Is it that obvious?" she replied. I pulled her into my side and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"It is...and please feel free to stay and see where it leads..." I encouraged. "Just be careful..." I cautioned.

"I will...thanks Bri..." she told me. Now I needed to let Roger know I was going. I went over to the table and decided I would tell Dominique. It wouldn't be so obvious. I knew Roger had not told Rick about us and respected his decision. It did, at times, make situations complicated. I walked over and tapped Dom on the shoulder as she listened to the others carry on. She turned to look at me as I bent over to speak to her.

"I was just letting you all know I'm heading out..." I told her. She looked concerned.

"Everything alright?" she asked. I nodded to her.

"Yeah...just tired..." I replied. She smiled at me and then glanced over at Roger. He was looking up at me and I saw Rick wave to me. I waved back. "I'm a bit tired myself...could I trouble you for a lift and we can leave these hooligans to finish out the night?" Dominique asked me. I was a little surprised but happy to give her a ride. Roger would probably be here for hours with Rick.

"Sure..." I replied. I noticed Roger watching us and Dom got up and grabbed her bag and walked over to Roger.

"I'm leaving...Brian is taking me home..." she told him. "It's up to you and this lot to see in the dawn..." she told him in a humorous tone. He grinned as she leaned down and kissed his cheek. He pecked her cheek as they parted.

"Alright love..." he told her. I knew he was saying that because of his audience and I tried to ignore the way it made me feel. Dom was walking back towards me when Roger looked right at me. His eyes told me he was sorry for the term of endearment. I slightly nodded my understanding back to him and smiled when Dom took my arm.

"Good night Bri..." Roger said. Eyeing me again.

"Good night..." I said back and Dom leaned into my side as we left.

\-----------------------------------

"Roger told me you used to have a place near Holland Park..." Dom remarked as we rode in the back of the limo towards her flat in Kensington. We both had a bottle of water to help prevent a hangover and the privacy glass was up in case we talked about anything that was none of the driver's business. I knew her flat wasn't that far from that area.

"We did..." I confirmed. "That is where we were when Tiger Lily came to live with us..." I told her. Dom smiled at me.

"What was that like?" she asked me. "Having a baby unexpectedly dropped in your lap?" A flood of memories washed over me. A mixed bag of emotions came with it.

"Having her was like a dream for me to be quite honest..." I told her and then wondered if I should say what Roger's feelings were at the time. "I've always loved children and to me she was like a gift..." Dom looked at me with tenderness. "The timing wasn't ideal but it never is with children really..." I smiled. "But I adored her from the moment I saw her!"

"She absolutely adores you..." she replied. "She speaks of you often when I'm with her..." she remarked. It felt good to hear that.

"I'm glad to hear it...she told me at her birthday she didn't want me calling her 'poppet' anymore...she's grown up awfully fast..." I confessed. Dom reached over and took my hand and appeared sympathetic.

"She is growing up...." she confirmed. "But she will always love her Daddy...don't worry..." she assured me. I grinned at her.

"She was such a wonderful baby..." I told Dom. "So easy going...just lovely..." Dom gave me an intent look.

"It's funny you mentioned that..." she replied. "I actually wanted to talk to you about a baby..." she revealed. I had no idea what she meant by this and in a flash my mind was telling me that Roger had cheated and she was pregnant. My stomach was churning and I instantly pulled my hand away from hers. It was clear from her face she was reading mine. She knew what I was thinking. "Brian...it's not what you are thinking..." she said hurriedly. She looked me in the eye as she said it and for some reason I believed her. I relaxed a little and she could tell.

"Sorry..." I said and she shook her head.

"No...I'm sorry...I should have said what I want to say differently...I've just tried to find the right words..." she said and sounded muddled for a moment. She sighed heavily and then closed her eyes for a moment. I wondered what she was meaning to tell me.

"What is it?" I questioned. "Just say it..." I suggested. Feeling a little anxious. She opened her eyes and let out a little laugh. I could tell she was exasperated by her own thoughts and I know that feeling. She smiled and looked at me again.

"I wanted to talk to you about me having a baby..." she told me. "I wanted to talk to you because I needed to ask your permission to let Roger father my child..." she declared. It wasn't exactly what I had feared it was a moment ago, but this wasn't far off the mark I guess. I was taken aback by her request and suddenly had a million questions and a million feelings about it.

"I'm confused..." I began and reached for a low hanging glob of curls on my head to soothe myself. "Did Roger ask you to give him a child?" I questioned. Unsure what she was getting at. She shook her head and reached for my free hand again. I let her hold it as I needed the comfort right now.

"No...Roger does not know I am asking you this..." she revealed. "I want to have a child and I don't want any romantic entanglements with it..." she explained. "I'm 32 years old Brian...and if I want to have a child I need to do it now..." I could appreciate her being of a certain age and feeling the need to have one before she deemed herself too old.

"And you want a child and you want Roger to be the father..." I said back even though she had already indicated this. I just needed to confirm what I thought I heard. She nodded.

"Yes...with your permission as his husband..." she stated. I had to admit I was touched she was asking me this. I was fully aware she could have already approached Roger about it and he probably would have agreed and told me after they made their plans. But here she was respectfully asking me to approve of this beforehand. I was curious about something.

"You said Roger doesn't know you are asking me...but does he know you want to have a child with him?" I questioned.

"I've mentioned to him a few times that I would like to have a child in the near future..." she answered. "I've thought about it a lot and I have to admit that being around your children and then seeing Ronnie with Joshua has made me realize I don't want to wait any longer..." I knew how it was being around babies. I sometimes got that way myself and seeing Deacy have another one brought it out a bit.

"I can appreciate feeling broody..." I replied. "I get that way myself at times..." I confessed. "But he doesn't know you want him to be the father?" I questioned.

"No..." she confirmed. "When I decided I was going to ask him I felt it was only right to talk with you first and to make sure you wouldn't have a problem with it..." she said sincerely. "I want to respect your relationship and know you are agreeable before I even talk to Roger..." she clarified. Now that she had cleared that up for me I had another important issue to ask about.

"So if I agree and Roger agrees and you have a baby...what kind of relationship do you expect him to have with the child?" I questioned. I had no idea if I was okay with this but needed to have answers to my questions before I could think this through.

"The child is mine and I am bringing them up as a single parent..." she said confidently. "If Roger wanted to have a role in their life I wouldn't be opposed to it...but I would have sole custody and be in charge of their care and daily life..." she assured me.

"What about money?" I asked next. She looked dismissive of the question.

"Money is not a concern..." she replied quickly. "I have some money...my family is quite comfortable..." she explained. I had suspected she was a from a upper middle class family. She was well educated and her sophistication seemed natural. It was good to know she could manage.

"I'm glad that is not an issue..." I said back. "I guess another question I have is whether you know how Clare had Jimi?" I asked her. She smiled knowingly at me.

"I've got to know Clare pretty well over the past few years..." she replied. "Yes...I know the details of her conception..." she assured me. I thought she might as her and Clare had bonded somewhat. Clare liked her and enjoyed her company.

"Did Roger ever tell you how he felt when Tiger Lily came into our lives?" I questioned. Dom's face showed she knew the story.

"He did..." she answered. "We had a long talk one time when we were stuck in an airport waiting on a flight..." she revealed and smiled at me. "He basically told me his entire life story..." she said and laughed a little. "And I heard all about his foibles...as a husband and as a father..." I grinned at hearing this. It was refreshing to know he spoke of his mistakes and not just his past glories.

"He's a much better Father these days..." I commented. Dom squeezed my hand.

"Even he would say that..." she said back. "I know you probably need some time to think about this..." she stated. I did. I wasn't exactly thrilled about it but with Roger allowing Clare and I to have a child I felt inclined to be open to this if Roger wanted to do this for her. But there was a lot to consider.

"I do..." I responded. "I'll let you know what I decide..." She smiled and leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"Thank you for hearing me out..." she said sweetly. "Clare always tells me what a good person you are and I've seen that for myself..." she stated. Dom mentioning Clare after I thought about her made me think about what happened tonight.

"Speaking of Clare..." I said and Dom looked at me intently. "Can I ask you something?" she nodded and seemed curious.

"Of course..." she replied.

"Clare met a man at the party tonight and I could see they were both into each other..." I divulged. Dom smile widely at me and I wondered if she had seen them.

"You mean Malcolm Davies?" she replied. I guess she did know.

"Yes!" I responded. "Do you know him?" I asked her.

"I do...he works with EMI in their promotions office..." she answered. "He's a nice guy..." she remarked. I was glad to hear it. But another question was looming as a result of tonight. If he was in the business he had to know that Clare and I are dating.

"I guess Clare pretending to date me is a problem if she meets someone else she really likes..." I expressed and Dom seemed to understand what I was getting at.

"Yes...it could be a problem..." she responded. "That is why I suggested to her that she tell him you are in an open relationship..." Dom revealed. I was shocked to hear this. Then I was happy to know that Clare was given a way to be able to enjoy herself with someone else.

"You think of everything...don't you?" I said to her with a sense of admiration. Dom grinned as she looked at me with a sense of pride.

"I'm in public relations...it's what I do!"


End file.
